Families of SOs Community Group
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My husband is sitting in solitary awaiting a plea or a trial who knows. Probably going to be there a year. He asks me to write letters talking about things I am doing and to describe them. Well I lay on my bed all day and take anxiety medication and then at 8 or so I take a sleeping pill. Not much to share. He says talk to me about places we have gone and things we've done. He says describe memories so he can read my letters and relive and imagine those times. I cant do that. I cant even look at his picture. I'm in too much pain. I got a letter from him yesterday and it said he was not feeling well, that his ankles and lower legs are very swollen and he sees alot of blue veins. He sees hes trying to sit and stand move around in the cell but he cant sit for long on the floor or metal bed without pain and of course one can only stand for so long. This letter is absolutely a freaking nightmare to me. THIS is exactly what I have been anticipating. Him to get hurt or feel sick or be hurting and here I am powerless. I'm crazy right now. I'm anxious, I emailed his federal defender and told her that she needs to remember she has a client sitting in solitary and she needs to do what she can to advocate for him because he gets told NO by every guard no matter his question. I told her to call me if she was too busy to help him and start doing the work to find someone who would help him. She probably will ignore me. I just cant even think straight. I'm livid right now. I'm sure the food he is eating is all processed and full of sodium and he's got fluid retention. I tried to look online for commissary items to send him that were lower sodium. ..I found ridiculous things like top ramen, potato chips, processed packages of sausage....all bullshit nasty food that is so bad for you. There's more sodium in 1 package of ramen noodles than a person should consume in an entire day. I guess this is just our nightmare digging a deeper hole. He wants letters I don't have the mental capacity to write and he wants to share his health ailments knowing full well I can DO NOTHING. I want to drive my car into a pole...this is only the beginning of this and I don't have what it takes. That's obvious today. I cant live in a situation that renders me completely powerless. Im going back to sleep. I cant even take his call today, it would be nothing but sobs cause I cant help him . I'm turning my phone off...going back to my cave.
I recognize you are in a tremendous amount of emotional and physical pain and from your point of view this will not end, but you are going to have to come to grips with this sooner than would like to.
I know you are very fragile at this time but you still have children, their life still needs to go on, you have to become strong for them and stop thinking you are unable to survive. You can and will get past this and yes it will be extremely difficult, start to focus on what need to be accomplish for the family to survive. It seems like this case has been going on for a while, some of the circumstances sound like they have been self-induced. I am not taking your pain lightly but you are going to have to face this head on for the family to survive this horribly tribulation. I have been there, I would have lost everything if I had not had that moment of awaking.
Stay focused, plan what you need to do step by step, if speaking with your husband at this time is triggering too much pain then stop, have a weekly call with him and focus on your task ahead for the family that can be helped.
Regards
buildingupslow
Just sit down with a pen and write whatever comes to you - even your emotional state. Tell him how you are doing and how powerless you feel in being able to help him. When a memory comes to you, write it down. When he writes to you, write your response to what he said.
I have found that writing him has been very helpful for me. I write how I am doing, and what I'm thinking, whereas I otherwise wouldn't acknowledge or speak about. We have been able to work through a lot of our issues (not pertaining to his case of course) through our writings, and has helped us to talk about them more in depth when we visit.
Start small, write as much as you can. Don't try to write a whole page if you can't. When you have at least a few days (3 max), then send it off. You can also send him other things the jail will authorize (news clippings, crossword puzzles, etc) in with your letter.
I have also found, I do better on days when I get to talk to him. I maybe am crying the whole time, but talking to him makes me feel better, and he does too. He feels like he is able to help me when I am down. We both support each other, and phone calls help us to do that.
All of us are here - just a PM away if you need to talk. We each know what you both are going through. Many of us wives, girlfriends, sisters, mothers, etc know what you are going through, and many know what your husband is going through and can attest on how much these calls and letters have helped them (or would have if they had a loved one) when they were serving time.
My heart goes out to you.
As far as writing letters, it's more the fact that you wrote than what you said in the letter. Inmates live for letters from home, it reminds them that the are not forgotten, that someone cares. I write to my son about stupid stuff, I complain about work, talk about the weather, what's going on around here, any problems or issues I may be dealing with at the time, how I have been feeling (tired, stressed, happy, sad, irritated). I write to him as if he is here and we are just talking. I am not allowed to send newspaper clippings, crosswords, etc., but I do send him funny pictures, cartoons, or interesting stuff I find online. I try to print one thing each week to include with my letter.
The cartoons/pictures go on his wall (it is allowed there), the letters he saves so he can re read them.. He answers my letters, I answer his, we just go back and forth.
This is not an easy road to travel by any stretch of the imagination, but we must travel it. It is difficult, but not impossible. Just know that you are not alone on this road, you have a lot of company and we are here for you.
The one thing I will tell you is this... do what YOU need to do. I love my boyfriend with all of my heart - we're still going strong in spite of this, and we're still planning on spending the rest of our lives together when he comes home. But, in spite of that, I had to learn to do what was best for me. I had to find a reason to get up in the morning. My reason became my health - I focused on eating better, exercising every day. I began doing volunteer work at an animal shelter. In all of these things, I had a reason to get up and do something. In doing these things, I had very little time to write to him - but, over time, I found that I had more to write about, and I found that I wanted to share these new pieces of my life with him.
My point is, writing to him will help him, definitely - it will give him hope and something to look forward to, which every prison inmate, no matter their charge, needs. But first, you need to help yourself. You can't help him if you're in a constant state of despair, and letters indicating you're in pain won't help him, either. Writing can be therapeutic - maybe that's what you can look forward to every day. But if that's not something that makes you feel better, go find something that does, and give yourself some time before forcing yourself to write.
With time, the letters become easier to write, the phone calls become lighter, and the visits are a monumental part of your week. Believe me when I say that I was in the exact same position as you when my boyfriend first went in. But you have to get up, pull yourself together, and find a way to keep YOURSELF healthy - then you can worry about writing him. Yes, he wants letters - but he NEEDS you to be healthy, and a support system for yourself and your children.
Sidenote - the biggest thing I did that made me capable of writing letters was speaking to a therapist. There are lots of place who will give you a reduced co-pay if you don't have proper insurance. It's not for everyone, but it's something to consider. They're an unbiased source of support, and I'd be worlds away from where I am now without mine.