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I did something today I don't ever want to do

corvuscorax
corvuscorax
Tonight I had dinner with a friend of mine who I admire. He is a good man and honorable.

I value his opinion and I guess I see it as a mark of pride that he calls me friend.

I have been posting on my social media account the fact that I have been facing a legal issue and will soon be called before a judge to be sentenced.

I have made vague and indirect references to my situation but mostly it has just been emotional outpourings.

Tonight after dinner, he asked me some pretty direct questions. So I answered him. I told him what had happened, How it was a mistake and not something I was trying to do or find.

Let me tell you, I walked away from that situation SHAKING and in tears. I am not an emotional person but this situation has had me break down more times over the course of the last few months than the entirety of my adult life.

I CAN'T do that again. Not to someone I care about. I can't put myself through that again.

I will just sever the relationship first and mourn the loss then have to do that again.

He didn't turn his back on me and I am grateful but, seriously. Never again
klw9653
klw9653
I'm glad he's still your friend.

My son has two friends he's close with. They've known each other since they were kids. I know my son didn't want to tell them about his getting into trouble. But he did. That was about 5 yrs ago. They're all still good friends to this day.
Sam66
Sam66
I know it was hard, and I won't say it gets easier, but the fact that he didn't turn his back on your means a great deal in his faith in you as a person. You need to take heart in that and you need to do it again and again. Your side of the story is very valuable. You REALLY don't want them hearing the media reports and assuming all of that is the truth!

You may be gone for a little while but you will be back and your friends will mean a lot when that happens!
ThoughtAsWeak
ThoughtAsWeak
I know how difficult that was. I had to tell someone recently, when my vague answers were no longer good. I spilled my guts about what we have gone through the last several years and where hubby is, totally expecting for this long time friend to just walk away (as many others have). She didn't walk; she said she values our friendship so much, that she wouldn't dream of walking away. And hearing from our side of the story (as media always reports a completely different angel), this has really opened her eyes to this crazy mess.

It may be difficult, but in doing so, many others have their eyes opened to how easy it is to be labeled, and how many good people are caught in its net.
corvuscorax
corvuscorax
Hello all and thank you for your kindness and replies.

I am filled with shame and self loathing over this whole mess. Trying to explain to someone who was very open about the issues that have with CP, trying to explain it was a mistake an unintentional. It was the worst emotional thing I have ever actively done. Even after he accepted what I had to say, i still felt that he loathed me. He assured me he didn't but the voices inside said otherwise.

I just want to put this whole disaster behind me and move on.

My usual process for these kinds of situations is to simply amputate any feelings or connection and move on. Something I have done my whole life, but I think that process is part of the reason I am in this mess to begin with.

Thank you all again for taking the time to read and respond to this post
Independent2014
Independent2014
I remember the night I told my closest friends, friends that I've had going back to junior high. I remember telling all my extended family and family friends and getting them to sign a slip of paper saying they were okay with me being around them and their children for holidays (safety plan). I remember telling my girlfriend, now wife. It is about as uncomfortable a conversation as I've ever had. It doesn't get easier either. For the most part the people in my life see that isn't who I am but it was a horrendous choice I made when I was a child.

I almost had a full blown panic attack when I told a potential employer that wanted to offer me a really nice employment package. I didn't get the job.

As uncomfortable as these conversations are I think it is a good thing to do. I have an army of people on my side now. They have helped me get jobs and gave me a lot of support that I wouldn't have gotten from them if they didn't know my story.