Families of SOs Community Group
WE HAVE MOVED!!! ............................. ............................... ......................... ............................ ............................. .......................... HERE: http://support-for-families.boards.net ............. ................ ............... ................ ............................... .................Please create a profile...
My boyfriend and I are breaking up because he is a sex offender. He was charged with statutory rape 15 years ago. He was 21, she was 14. It was wrong, even though she was consensual. Her mother was fine with it and tried to get the charges dropped. He served his probation, passed his rehabilitation classes, passed three polygraph tests, and has, according to the courts, paid his debt to society. He is a level 1 offender, and is considered a low risk offender. He has no restrictions and is trying to gain custody of his son. He has never assaulted me, forced me, never hit me, never lied to me, never hurt my kids, never been inappropriate in any way. He takes me out on nice dinners, calls me every day, helps me when he can. He's been a good man to me. But people have identified him when he visits me where I live and work, and my home, my kids and my job are all in jeopardy now because if his registration.
So we are breaking up, not because of a fight, or because of cheating, not because he beat me up or stole from me, not even, as society would believe, he "diddled" my kids. We are breaking up because of this lynch mob mentality that the public has, fueled by media, pitch forks and torches raised, blood thirsty.
And I'm furious. I'm enraged that a good man has to live his life in solitude, devoid of a good, healthy relationship with a good, loving woman. I'm pissed that he has to sacrifice his love for me so that we can keep my kids safe. I'm heartbroken that I can no longer show him my love and compassion. I'll never feel his arms around me again, or hear his soft whisper in the night. It;s wrong that he is shunned and harassed. It's wrong that we have to end our loving, healthy relationship. Others see a monster, I see a good man who loves classical music and Hondas. Others see a sexual deviant, I see an amateur blacksmith and a man proud to have followed in his father's footsteps as a carpenter. He plays guitar and loves to dig through junk yards for parts needed for his car. He goes to Goodwill stores and pawn shops for fun. I'm so heartbroken, for him, for me, for us and what could have been.
So I'm reaching out now, for comfort. Does anybody out there even care?
So we are breaking up, not because of a fight, or because of cheating, not because he beat me up or stole from me, not even, as society would believe, he "diddled" my kids. We are breaking up because of this lynch mob mentality that the public has, fueled by media, pitch forks and torches raised, blood thirsty.
And I'm furious. I'm enraged that a good man has to live his life in solitude, devoid of a good, healthy relationship with a good, loving woman. I'm pissed that he has to sacrifice his love for me so that we can keep my kids safe. I'm heartbroken that I can no longer show him my love and compassion. I'll never feel his arms around me again, or hear his soft whisper in the night. It;s wrong that he is shunned and harassed. It's wrong that we have to end our loving, healthy relationship. Others see a monster, I see a good man who loves classical music and Hondas. Others see a sexual deviant, I see an amateur blacksmith and a man proud to have followed in his father's footsteps as a carpenter. He plays guitar and loves to dig through junk yards for parts needed for his car. He goes to Goodwill stores and pawn shops for fun. I'm so heartbroken, for him, for me, for us and what could have been.
So I'm reaching out now, for comfort. Does anybody out there even care?
So sorry you had to come looking for us, but I'm glad you found us. We are all going through a version of this nightmare and we're right there with you in the hurt and suffering. HUGS!!!
They respond this way because they have no idea what it is really like in this world as they live in a glass house and is better than others. Once something like this hits close to home they would hopefully feel different. Plus the media does not help one bit.
The media i believe causes a lot of the problems there are in society.
This is a good site and people will listen and give advise. It has helped me in the time i have been on here knowing there are others out there who feel the same way i do and have been through the same
My worst fear, however, did not materialize. Fortunately, my state now considers being on the registry as adequate community notification. At least I didn't have to worry much about the neighbors. Also, he has a chance of "graduating" from probation at some point, but not from the registry. That is lifetime.
Incognito, you are young. The sadness of having to live with these restrictions and judgments for the rest of your life for doing something consensual is maddening. At my advanced age, the restrictions affect your ability to grow old safely. What if my now ex husband needs a nursing home or assisted living in the future? I work in an assisted living facility and they proudly display their notification that there are no persons on the sex offender registry living in their building.
So, what happens to older registrants? ...I don't really know.
Both you and he are doing the right thing in protecting the children. Having your children sucked into the system, losing your job, all the trauma and collateral damage is real and I commend you both for doing the best you can for your kids. It is a terrible choice to have to make but your and his willingness to put the children's welfare above your own just proves what you said about him being a good man and proves that you do have a healthy loving relationship.
Cold comfort maybe but in your anger and hurt don't forget you really do hold the high ground here. The middle of the night when the rage cools and the isolation and despair sets in you might want someone to talk to on a support line. You probably need to call a national support line (like the one WAR has because you'll be speaking to other people in your situation (not just another person with the same prejudices against "sex offenders" who thinks any woman living with "one of them" is by definition crazy too. It's their contempt and self righteousness and condescension that hurts (and, yes, enrages me) So mostly I keep quiet and just try to carry on and you can too.
May I suggest you click on the News section on this page, and find and go to WAR (women against Registry) and find out if there is a chapter of WAR in your state and actually meet with other women in your state who know exactly what you are going through. Sometimes it helps to actually meet in person with other women who know all about "collateral damage" and might even give personal suggestions about what they did and what helps them get through this mess.
Take care. It's painful but both of you are making the right choices. And keep coming back to Daily Strength. It helps.