Corvus, let me ask you this, if I - the mother of an abuse victim, and my daughter - the victim, can forgive my husband for the things he did, why can't you forgive yourself? You are not the same person you were then. You have learned from your mistake, and want to rebuild your life. That is what my daughter and I want for those who have committed an offense, to learn from their mistakes, and never to reoffend (which is the vast majority of SO's).

You have a God who loves you and forgives you - all you have to do is ask.

This isn't an easy life, but you are not a monster that many politicians want to portray you as. Please forgive yourself, you can't change the past, but you certainly can make the right decisions today and going forward.

i agree

It comes down to realizing you cannot sum up who you are by actions only at a certain point in your life. Most people on the registry are not the monsters society has made us out to be. I have family friends who have gotten DUI's, are they forever known as drunks and wreck less drivers? I haven't met one person who can claim they have never lied before, does that make them liars? This idea that you are today what you did in the past is just not true. And we don't apply it evenly to everyone, people can change, I know I have.

You can look at the recidivism statistics and can positively disprove the notion, "once a SO always a SO." The first step in the process is not buying into the hype and the crap of the media, politicians, and society. You made a terrible choice, yes there will be consequences for this bad choice but it doesn't devalue you as a person. You cannot dwell on how trying to fix your past. You can only improve yourself going forward. Go to therapy, take it seriously, do the work. Then go live life. For me time has healed a lot of insecurities. Leave the past in the past and move on. Once you get further down the road you realize you have changed and cannot even recognize who you were back then.

Their will be roadblocks, there will be people who try and never let you forget your crime. When I'm in that situation I think the best thing to do is own it. "That is who I was, I made a horrendous mistake, I can certainly understand your hesitance to believe me that I've changed -- But I have. I haven't committed a crime in almost 20 years."

If you are a person with a belief in God, I challenge you to look at people God uses for his purposes. God loves an underdog story. And everyone is flawed and everyone has fallen short of his glory. One sin isn't greater than any another, they all keep us from pursuing God the way we are meant to. Sins may have different consequences, but that doesn't mean God cannot redeem and use a person if they are willing.

Lastly, you cannot look at yourself the way society does, it will eat you alive.

I'm with ya ConvusCorax. The self-doubt/loathing/hating eats you up everyday. In my worse states I'm often calling myself a dipshit and the word "fuck" is running through my head so much I actually exclaim it verbally.

On the other side, going through "this" gives you such a different perspective and appreciation for life as you know, even a simple life. That's how your trial can become your strength. After spending time in your personal mental prison and an actual cement cell you have the option of being reborn with a new infinite appreciation for the simple things, like literally being able yo walk in a straight line for 30 ft and being able to work can feel like a godsend. Just don't let yourself forget the lows you experience, and don't tell yourself or others "it happened / just happened "

Hope I hear more of your experience and story.

Yes - I have always remembered something another mother of an RSO told me when this all first started for my son - do not identify yourself by a label that THEY give you. It is just a label and does not define who you are. Some people buy into the label and will not see past it - but others will see past the label and down into the person beneath. Cling to them ....

We are not defined by our mistakes. The cracks in our soul are where the light comes in. My son just started serving an 8 year sentence. He is 21 years old. Here is a note he sent me on Jpay last night. I hope it will help you.

The God thundered out of heaven; the high God gave a great shout, spraying hailstones and fireballs. God shoots his arrows-pandemonium. He hurls his lightnings -a riot. The secret sources of ocean are exposed, the hidden depths of earth lie uncovered. The moment you roar in protest, let loose your hurricane anger.

But me he caught-reached all the way from sky to sea; he pulled me out of the ocean of hate, that enemy chaos, the void in which I was drowning.

They hit me when I was down, but God stuck by me.
He stood me up on a wide-open field; I stood there saved-surprised to be loved!
God made my life complete when I placed all the pieces before him.
When I got my act together, he gave me a fresh start. Now I'm alert to God's ways; I don't take God for granted. Every day I review the ways he works; I try not to miss a trick. I feel put back together, and I'm watching my step.
God rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to his eyes.

You cannot allow the mistakes of your past define you as a person--down to your very core. Obviously you are profoundly remorseful. In my experience as a woman married to a sex offender, the forgiveness-both towards him as well as to myself-gives me a new perspective on life. You want to heal all the wounds that are opened from this experience, and if you allow God's grace to wash over you, then you will heal.

Forgiving yourself gives you the peace that you need to be empowered to move forward.

Because of your remorse, you are not a bad person. I know it's hard to not feel the shame that the world thinks you should feel, but, since you are remorseful, then own it. Screw the world, love yourself. It doesn't matter what other's think.

Peace and blessings to you.

I'm 6 months out of jail after serving a year in custody and while I have parents and siblings who have been great to me and for me, my life seems like it's over. I lost a great house in a great area that I loved and had to move back to my parents house at age 32, my girlfriend who was discussing marriage with me before this broke up with me, and the counseling and probation appointments make up a large part of my life. In the last year and a half there hasn't been a single day I haven't thought about just ending my life. I'm sick of it all... but I'm still here. There is a line in The Shawshank Redemption that has always stuck with me and that is, "You have to get busy living, or get busy dying." I'm still here and am not dead yet, so I've been working on getting busy living. I don't like my life, and I don't know if that will ever change, but as I am still living, I have to do the things that push me forward. For me, walking around with my obsessive thinking doesn't help, and my record is all I think about anytime I meet someone or think about my future, but it all comes back to the fact that I'm still here and since I am, I have to do the best I can.

Well said NorthernTown - BTW I love that movie!

Corvus:
Your past mistakes do not define you. They only define you if you continue to make the same one.
I am a victim these things that many on this board are accused and sometimes guilty of. I am married to a man guilty of one of these offenses.
I know you hold this against yourself, but you are not the one to blame. The system is. Everyone on this board is a victim of the system. Me, you, the families, mothers, wives sons and daughters.
There is so much more that your life is worth than looking in the mirror and seeing this. You are smart, funny, hardworking and you keep trying and please remember all of that is worth more than this.
Look into the mirror and smile. Just smile if nothing else. Every day is a new day. Every day is one further from the mess that started this and you are still here.
We are all still here, we are all put on this earth for a reason.