WOW Oneofthem! Nice verbiage! I like your advice!
Sadandmad,
The only thing that came to my mind is this, we are all human and make mistakes. Your hubs is correct, in jail all he does have is his apology and love for you. They take away anything else. His rights, hopes, dreams and dignity.
I know that it hurts and you have every right to be mad. But, I also know that you married this man because of love. You can walk away or choose to fight for him. But if you walk away, could you live with that decision?
That's what you need to think about right now.
My prayers are with you.
Hugs,
Kim (RWsMom)

I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you oneofthem. Having feelings of hurt and uncertainty does not to me count as dwelling. I am in a very similar situation as Sadandmad. And honestly just because something is a compulsion does not make acting on it right. In my opinion Sad.. you work it out how you need to work it out. You have every right to feel what you are feeling. Including still loving and caring about your husband but feeling confused as to whether that is enough. Your mental health, self worth, and happiness are just as important as being supportive. I myself have decided to try to work things out. I have told my husband I can't promise that it will but I am giving it my all. One of the questions I would consider possibly is what is your husband doing to change? What is he doing to ensure that this never happens again? To be sure if he does have these compulsions that he doesn't act on them. Is he willing to include you in his recovery, To discuss openly and honestly any questions you may have. Please feel free to message me if needed. I haven't commented much on this message board but in your case I feel I needed to offer some words of support. Hang in there.. the road is rough, confusing, and heart wrenching, I hope whatever you choose you find peace. Feel free to message me at any time.

Thanks for trying to explain your point Oneofthem. While I don't agree with all of them, expressing them is one of the best things about being in this support group. By the way I am not religous person at all. I don't think I even mentioned it anywhere in my post. I hope that you can continue to grow as a person, as I am trying to do.

Thank you all for you input. This place has been a huge help in support and trying to understand. I guess I have come to the realization that although I accept his apology, I cannot see myself being able to get past all of this and make the marriage work. I do love him. That's what makes this so hard to deal with. The betrayal is huge and I don't think I can overcome the trust issue. I thought this man was made for me, I hate the term, but soulmate. I know he's not perfect, nobody is, but some things I simply can't get past. I keep trying to figure out how somewhere, somehow, someway I can bend things so that we'll have a shot. I come up with nothing. It's all so heartbreaking. Just when I think I have dealt with an emotion, it comes back at me from some other direction. I loved the man that I married, but the problem is that he purposefully withheld a major part of his personality and his being from me because he knew it wouldn't be acceptable to me. He has told me this himself. He did it anyway. I should have had a choice. He should have been man enough to trust me with the truth before I was his wife. That's where the anger comes from. I guess I just have to accept that my marriage is over and move on as best I can. I don't want to just leave him in jail with just his parents and sister to communicate with. I understand that everything has been taken from him, but it's his own doing. It's all so confusing.

Thanks again, so much.

Hey hun. I feel for you. Im supporting my father but if it were my spouse, Im sure I would be in the same boat as you. What your husband did does not take away all of his positive qualities, fond memories or the love you share(d) however in my opinion a marriage must have trust. Some women can stay. My father's wife is standing by his side and Im happy for that... but he was also upfront and honest about his past with her before they married. He is out of jail for now (sentencing is 4/8 could be probation or up to 5 years) and is going to counseling, they have been able to talk at length and work on their marriage where as your husband is in jail and much harder for you to rebuild that trust, if it ever can be. Im sorry that you are in this position and I cannot even imagine what to do. I do think, however that you need not forget who he was before you were aware of this problem and at least be there for him as a friend, as a comforter because Im sure he has no one. But to ask you to stay married to him, without having the trust is something you will have to decide for yourself, if it is something you can rebuild or if its best to just to support him rather as a just loving friend. (((hugs))) Im sorry again for your situation :(

Hi sadandmad I'm new to this site, just joined yestrday & yes I am in the same situation as you & I can't tell you what a releif it is to know that I'm not alone & there are people that understand. My husband also admitted to possesion of the same thing, but he didn't know that by receiving emails & resending them that was considered TRANSPORTING. My nightmare began early one morning about 2 yrs ago when authorities knocked on our door, took my husband in another room, questioned him & walked out of the door with our computer. I've been married to this man for 26yrs & was completly & totally blindsided by this! never in a million years would think he would do something like this. I didn't know what to feel, I was numb, I didn't know weather to be angry, hurt, betrayed, saddened or all of the above. It actually took almost a year for the authorities to investigate & arrest him, but in that years time he & we as a couple started therapy, because honestly I was on the verge of leaving him & like your husband he apoligizing to me constantly was making me angry. To make a long story short he ended up serving 8 horrible long mos in county jail with 5yrs probation, he just returned home in sept of 2009, I continued therapy while he was away & decided that all the good things that I love about him outweigh this one stupid mistake he made. My therapist told me it's ok to be hurt & angry about this & I know I will never forget it but I've decided to forgive it, Life isn't easy, he's very depressed & afraid of life now, but he's also continuing therapy & trying hard to deal with things. I do wish the best for you & your husband, I know It's hard but I hope you can learn to forgive him.

Being a sex offender in jail is a very lonely, scary, and helpless feeling, but I think in all honesty that being the wife, mother, sister, or girlfriend of a sex offender might be even scarier. My wife and I were married for less than two years when I committed my sex offense against a 17 year old girl who was under our care. I was 27 at the time. My wife, as all of the other women in this group, was completely blindsided by my selfish destructive choice. I don't think it is playing semantics to say that what I did was not a mistake, it was a conscious choice to act upon my desires. I can't even imagine how scary it is to stand by a man who has utterly destroyed his loved one's trust. My wife told me that I had burned her body, mind, and soul. In my years of therapy I have moved towards being able to understand what that feels like, but it is impossible for me to fully understand the pain I caused to her and my victim.

One of the most important things I have learned about forgiveness is that it is not really for the person that harmed you. It is for yourself, so you are not held hostage by the pain and anger that is directed to the one you are trying to forgive. After I committed my offense I too told my wife that I was so sorry f or what I had done. I allowed myself to sit in the pain and feel the stark reality of it. It probably shaved years off of my life but in that time after that offense, it was the only way I could honor the pain my wife and my victim were going through. As you transition from that phase to the next, you honor your victims through your own self exploration and determining how you ever got to this place. After that, you honor them through your daily choices on how you live your life.

There is no fast track for getting through the pain, grief, and anger felt by either the victims or the sex offender. It is rather cliche but true that is does take time. I guess when you have been through it yourself you have in a weird way earned the right to utter such cliches.

To all the women on here, if you are feeling hurt, angry, lonely, sad, confused or any other myriad of emotions, those are all valid. If in your heart you feel that you need to leave that relationship, that is probably the right choice for you. The choice is highly personal and invidualized. People can offer their support and advice but ultimately you have to decide what is best for you. I wish you all the best along your journey. It can be a lonely one, but there are many good people to meet along the way. I have told some of you this before; keep the faith, there will be times to smile again.

Hello, i know this post is nearly a month old but reading this makes me very angry. Attempting to make you shut up and move on? What the hell is that? I will tell you what that is. That is an attempt to take YOUR choice away from you. That is an attempt to control the situation. Saying "I'm sorry" over and over again is also a way to take away your choice away from you. This is a very powerful post because it says so much. It has selfishness, power, and control written all over it. This man not only committed a betrayel of trust in his marriage, but also committed a crime. However, the statements he is making to you are the kind someone makes to make you feel like YOU are doing something wrong. But in reality, YOU haven't done anything wrong. So, if you want to ram it down his throat for how ever many days, months , or years YOU FEEL you need to, then so be it. Because if he is TRULY sorry and truly LOVES you, he will see that he has damaged you and would give you the respect to do what you need to do. He needs to stop worrying so much about you being pissed off at him , and start figuring out how he went wrong and taking the necessary steps needed to correct his wrong so it doesnt happen again because actions say "I'm sorry", not words.

Scott - your words were written for me. What an eye opener. Not my husband but my son. Really got me thinking. Thanks to all for their opinions on this matter. It was such a good discussion and I learned from you all.
Donna

I am sorry for you. I am sorry for him. I am sorry for all of us.

Its hard when the crimes involve the innocence of children. I cant say what to do,that would make me a hypocrite. I know from my experiences, that first of all he is in the; I havent learned crap stage. He inteintionally hid this part of his life from you because he knew that you would not approve. Next I would like to say, yea! you have a backbone and a concience. You arent one to just roll over andd think you have to support your man.He has to learn the magnitude of this and face the consquences. If he wants you to shut up, he has a long way to go. Thats what worries me. I didnt see my man for almost a year. It took that long for him to get through the; I'm bad stage and realize I did screw up. He had to stand up and admit it, then take the steps to fix his problem.He needs to acknowledge what he did to you, not be little it. Good luck

Hello, I am new to this site.I am surprised and impressed by the level of support all you appear to be giving . My Father is a sex offender.I found out a year ago about this double life and am finding it very hard to come to terms with. It was the abuse of a 6 year girl and others over the years. I am unable to support him at this time although he is remorseful and in treatment he will most likely go to jail. sad and mad i feel for you and I admire your courage to talk about it. my mum is having a hard time of it too. Any advice or suggestions? im so confused about it all.

Alwaysafraid, Thanks for sharing. It is amazing how your life can be launched off a cliff in one felt swoop. I have been going for therapy since the arrest which is only 4 months ago. I have decided to continue to give my husband as much support as I can, but I don't believe I can stay in this marriage. If nothing else, I can provide support as a friend, probably the best friend he'll have, but not as a wife. I'm sure someday I will be able to forgive him, but forgiveness isn't all encompassing. It's not an all or nothing deal like I kept wanting to make it. I have not moved to a divorce because right now, I'm just concentrating on remaining upright and breathing, lol. I'm not in any hurry. In letters and phone conversations, I have explained my position to my husband and although he wishes it were different, he says he understands. I asked him to back off expressing some of his feelings and he has done so. I still communicate with him as I did before, but it's not so tense, it's easier to talk about day to day things without the emotion involved. As we have also discussed, no decisions need to be made right now, this instant, so I will wait. I love him, I just don't think I can trust him again. It's sad. I hope things work out for you and that you are happy. That's the important thing. God bless.

THanks sadandmad for the well wishes I hope things work out for you as well, you have to do what is best for you & beleive me I understand where your coming from with the trust issue, that is probably the hardest thing to overcome & to learn to trust again. Good luck to you & your husband & God bless.

SadAndMad - I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. I went through a similar "apology" when I found out my husband was using meth and he went into treatment. While in treatment, he apologized, but minimized the extend of financial and emotional wreckage created by his drug use. He basically apologized, blew my feelings off and said "if you can't forgive me, then I guess there is nothing I can do about it." Addicts are master guilt-trippers and deflectors of emotions. In time, I did forgive him (without an apology from him I might add) for all he did during his drug use.

In your situation, what he is doing is apologizing but putting all his $hit on your side of the street so if you leave, you are the bad guy....like "Well I apologized and she STILL left me!" He needs to realize that it isn't just about what he says, it's how he acts. Your trust in him is completely broken and it is up to him to earn each piece of trust back until it is whole again. But the question you need to ask yourself, can the trust be built again and is your marriage worth it?

I disagree with one post where he said that he hid it from you because he loves you. He hid it from you because he chose the child pornography over your marriage. He didn't want to stop what he was doing and only stopped because he was caught. Plain and simple. Of course it wouldn't be acceptable to you...why would it? None of this is acceptable behavior. Now he is placing his responsibility to build trust back into your marriage on YOU? To shut up or move on? Well that doesn't sound fair now does it?

What I learned through my whole ordeal is to trust your gut instinct. I ignored it on several occasions and come to find out, it was right on all along. Now I trust those gut instincts and yes, there was a lot of fear behind it. But you know what? God has not dropped me on my head yet.

I wish you all the best!!