Families of SOs Community Group
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Almost 8 years ago I was in the depths of planning my wedding, which would occur in July 2007. In mid-June of that year, my sister went to a couples friends of mines (the matron of honor and best man in my wedding) house to hang out. We had been partying and my sister was trying to get close to one of the guys (one of my groomsmen) there. Obviously, this guy happened to be one of my best friends. Earlier in the day, my niece and the groomsmen's daughter, who knew each other from school, were going to his house so his daughter could change. They came back and the evening went on.My sister continued to try to hook up with him. I was there for some time, but left before my sister did.
Several hours later, I get a call from my sister saying that she and my niece got home and my niece had told her that the groomsman, one of my best friends, tried to touch her. My sister was obviously pissed. Needless to say, this caused some issues in my wedding, the groomsman was arrested on June 30 and jailed over the story of one girl. I tried to stay as distant from this situation as possible because of the dual relationship. From that time, several other girls came out saying that they had also been molested by this person, I was devastated because he was a friend of mine. Because of the other girls and my niece, I believed my niece. Recently my niece has shown some serious issues in her character and I am starting to wonder if these flaws were always there. The best man and matron of honor continue to be my best friends.
Periodically, my matron of honor and best man friends and I would talk about this situation, but we always left it go because we didn't agree on the outcome, They believe he is innocent and wrongly imprisoned. They have been friends with him for 40 years and friends with me for 20 years. Ultimately, I didn't face my feelings about the whole thing because it wasn't in my face to deal with. He was just gone! On one occasion when my friends and I talked about it I said, "So what, all of the girls that came forward lied?" They said that the girl (his step-daughter) that he actually went to jail for came back later to say she did lie because her mom made her. He remained in prison up until recently. My best friends continued to talk to him during his entire incarceration.
Fast forward to today, the adult child of the best man and matron of honor told me that he parents are submitting a home plan for this guy to move in with them!! They live a few doors up the street from me! Suddenly the whole thing is back in my face and I am torn on how to respond. 1) My best friends haven't told me yet. 2) Do I believe the niece or the 'friend'? 3) How do I respond when I see him at my best friends house or even when I look out my front door? Especially since I now see his face on the sexual predator websites now that he is released?
Several hours later, I get a call from my sister saying that she and my niece got home and my niece had told her that the groomsman, one of my best friends, tried to touch her. My sister was obviously pissed. Needless to say, this caused some issues in my wedding, the groomsman was arrested on June 30 and jailed over the story of one girl. I tried to stay as distant from this situation as possible because of the dual relationship. From that time, several other girls came out saying that they had also been molested by this person, I was devastated because he was a friend of mine. Because of the other girls and my niece, I believed my niece. Recently my niece has shown some serious issues in her character and I am starting to wonder if these flaws were always there. The best man and matron of honor continue to be my best friends.
Periodically, my matron of honor and best man friends and I would talk about this situation, but we always left it go because we didn't agree on the outcome, They believe he is innocent and wrongly imprisoned. They have been friends with him for 40 years and friends with me for 20 years. Ultimately, I didn't face my feelings about the whole thing because it wasn't in my face to deal with. He was just gone! On one occasion when my friends and I talked about it I said, "So what, all of the girls that came forward lied?" They said that the girl (his step-daughter) that he actually went to jail for came back later to say she did lie because her mom made her. He remained in prison up until recently. My best friends continued to talk to him during his entire incarceration.
Fast forward to today, the adult child of the best man and matron of honor told me that he parents are submitting a home plan for this guy to move in with them!! They live a few doors up the street from me! Suddenly the whole thing is back in my face and I am torn on how to respond. 1) My best friends haven't told me yet. 2) Do I believe the niece or the 'friend'? 3) How do I respond when I see him at my best friends house or even when I look out my front door? Especially since I now see his face on the sexual predator websites now that he is released?
People coming out of prison need the support of people who care about them. If he did offend against those children, then he will need your support to help him stay on the right side of the law. If he did not offend against those children, then he needs your support to get back into the community.
Either way, do you really believe he is (gasp!) a monster! I don't know about you, but I've never seen a monster. I've seen people in pain, people who made mistakes, people who were born with different interests and attractions. Yes, there are some bad guys out there. Fortunately, they are small in number. Most of those "sexual predators" are NOT the bad guys.
You will have to size this up for yourself. Your friend has a right to live where he is going to live. You can't do anything about it. So, you can either decide to be helpful or hateful. If I were you, I know what I would choose, but, of course, that is up to you.
How old was your niece at the time and how old was he?
it might sound nuts? but every time there is a story where all of a sudden 'other' girls or 'other victims' come crawling out and say, "hey me too"? i think of the Salem witch trials. where one girl would lie and the others would jump in and claim the same thing or embellish it so that they could get a share of the attention.
Is it a tough decision? Yes, probably because we make it more difficult than it should. Given what you posted, there is a distinct possibility that he was imprisoned on false charges. IMHO, if you get hung up on "is he innocent or guilty" - leave that to whatever higher power you believe in to handle. If he really is a messed up person that has not changed, that may become apparent over time. I see this as "meet the person on where they are today." Everyone in this circle of friends and acquaintances has changed from where things were in 2007.
Maybe the best thing is to say to him when you do run into him, "I'm still adjusting to you being back in the world. Please give me some time to get used to everything."
If every person turned their back on every XSO that gets back on the street, how would that help the XSO that does need to adjust to being back in society? I am not saying that you should be BFF's with this guy again. Peek is right about where he is going to live. You cannot control people, places or things. Trust me, I've tried and failed EVERY time in the final analysis.
I'll give you my perspective being a registered citizen - and I do consider myself a VERY different person than I was 12+ years ago. I have run into all sorts of people since I started probation in the early 2000's. Some, regardless of how polite I am, do not give me the time of day and at least reciprocate any form of civility. That is their choice. It hurts when I say, hello to some of my neighbors (for 7+ years) and I get nothing in return. I just knock the dust off my sandals and move on. Then there are a significant group of former associates (of my dad's and my past life- most of which are former military and law enforcement) that while I do not interact with them on a regular basis, DO support me. Same thing with people in my church and in AA that DO know of my situation and do support me.
I hope that my giving you the flip side provides a different perspective.
However, it doesn't mean you have to trust him, or be buddy buddy with him. It wouldn't be wrong to proceed with caution and innocent or guilty, he should understand that and so should your friends.
My own husband is innocent (long story) and we still are cautious about who he's around. Put it this way, one false accusation is enough.
As I read through the story you wrote on the events, I am plagued with questions about the 'witnesses'. It takes a pretty strong Pre-teenager to stand against their friends (your niece), not surprising that if there is one there is more, cause they run in packs. I am always leery of the pre-teen and teenager stories, for two reasons, the big one, I was a teenager once and I KNOW what I was like and I wasn't a saint. I also know what the people I hung out with were like and they were even crueler. Teenagers are like that but even more vindictive and manipulative. Then when more than one come out after the fact, always makes me suspicious for the same reasons that have been mentioned already.
It also sounds like your sister was an attention seeker, too boot you were getting married, the center of attention that year, to me for a vindictive soul that is motive. Better yet, get your child to say something, if you know anything about the legal system, it is a slam dunk for any DA. It almost sounds to me that you might want to take a closer look at your sister as well and her integrity. But then again, after watch my husband's cousin falsely accuse him and send him to prison, I know anything is possible when it comes to minors, sexual assault and this legal system we have in this country.
I was like you once... and back then I would be asking the same questions you would be now, then I got in this situation and realized that I had been living within a couple of miles (I live in the country, so a couple of miles is still neighbors) of at least 3 RSOs. Never knew it, never had issues with them, nothing. Now, after 7 years of education about sexual offenses and the legal cesspool that is our system, I have realized that registrants all have their own unique stories. Most of them good people, there are the few that are mentally ill and require more supervision and care. Most of them have been abused in one shape or form in their life, likely their childhood. Most of them were upstanding citizens before they were caught for their crimes. Most of them will never reoffend.
Before the internet, you sound old enough to have been an adult BEFORE facebook, before the world wide web, before Twitter, and before instant everything. Did you know everyone that lived within a mile or two of you (or in town a few blocks) and all their secrets? Did you know of their speeding tickets or other legal records? Probably not, as that information wasn't readily available on the internet back then. Did you know if they had gotten caught for drunk driving, which to me puts you and your family in more danger than any sex offense will, since the recidivism rate on drunk driving is like 40% or higher, whereas RSOs are at 5% or less. If a drunk driver lives near you, they could be driving right past you and yours just smashed and you would never know.
My advise is to take this man that is respected and loved by your best friends and take him at face value. He is who he is now, prison changes everyone, my husband was only in about 4 years in total, in 2 year stints due to an appeal and he was a changed person when he got out. Those that are in longer are even more changed. He is not the person that was at your wedding, he may look like him, but he is not, regardless if he committed any crime. Prison changes people, the treatment he was subjected to in prison also changed him, it all changed him. He also won't trust anyone new or unfamiliar anymore. He will fear children like my husband and I do. We avoid them completely because they can't be trusted, yes even family.
As for your niece and her character flaws... how long they have been there, only you will know that... but remember this, she learned it somewhere... instead of looking at your niece, look at those who influence her....
they say that kids and seeds are alike. yeah they are. also plant a tiny little seed of an idea in a kids head and it will find extremely fertile ground. and we all freaking know how fertile a kids imagination can be.