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honestwitness 10/02/2012

My DIL called me today to tell me she has filed papers to have my son's parental rights terminated. I unlderstand the logic, because my son is 10 months into a 20-yr sentence for a sex crime against a minor. I know my DIL needs to move on with her life and find a good father figure for my two young grandsons.

But, for some reason, this news hurts my heart more than anything in this whole nightmare. I haven't cried much in the last 3 years of this ordeal, from the arrest to the incarceration. But, today, I just can't stop crying. I feel like this is the worst possible punishment my son will have to endure...worse than 20 years of prison, worse than life on the SO registry, and worse than having her divorce him.

Child protective services won't allow her or my grandsons to communicate with my son by any method whatsoever...no letters, no o-mails, no phone calls...nothing. So, she can't even tell him the boys still love him, ask about him often, and pray for him every night. So she tells me these things so I can tell him.

Now, she has asked me to be the one to explain her reasons for wanting to terminate his parental rights, so she can assign someone else (like any potential new love interest she may find) to be their legal guardian. She says it's to keep the CPS from taking the boys, in case anything should happen to her. I know it's the wise thing to do. But it feels like she's saying to me, "Here...you hold him down, while I rip out his heart."

red55 10/03/2012

I have found that in life there are some choices that are between two evils. Your DIL is doing the right thing, but it is probably uncomfortable how easy the decision is for her to make. She does not have a problem throwing your son under the bus and you would like to have her show more regret in having to making this decision. . I would advise you to make sure that by her terminating your sons parental rights she does not terminate yours as a grandmother.

red55

deleted_user 10/03/2012

Yes make sure your rights as a grandmother do not get terminated! It happened to me! Another loss in my life that is very hard to bear!

honestwitness 10/03/2012

Wow! That would be AWFUL! As if this whole nightmare isn't awful enough. So, how do I prevent that from happening?

honestwitness 10/03/2012

Any communication to or from son by email or phone is scrutinized by the prison. CPS has threatened to remove my grandsons from their mother, if she contacts my son. They are already telling all of us what to do. Big brother is watching and listening.

vicvicbenson 10/03/2012

Oh Honest: I'm so so so sorry to hear this. Having dealt with CPS myself for over a year, I completely understand the fear your DIL has, as I know you do as well. How awful this is for you to have to take the news to your son. One thing that I would find out is if CPS really has the authority to tell your DIL that she can't have communication with him. I know in my state, they couldn't lawfully do that. But each state is different. I'm here for you. And please take Red's advice and make sure you do not lose your rights as the grandparent!

Peekachu 10/03/2012

I got de-grandmatized, too. The punishment goes on and on. Not a thing I could do. Hope it's better for you, Honestwitness.

G4Change 10/03/2012

red55: I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear this. Reading this put a big lump in my throat. I'll be praying for God's comfort for you and your family during this difficult time.

honestwitness 10/03/2012

Peekachu, what are you not allowed to do, now that you're de-grandmatized? I have no idea what that could mean for a person.

deleted_user 10/04/2012

lm going threw something like that lm trying for grandparents rights stay strong many prayers coming your way

Peekachu 10/06/2012

I'm not allowed to see my grandchildren again until they are adults...if they decide to see me themselves. I am no longer considered their grandmother. This was because I chose to take care of my husband's needs after he was arrested.

If anyone has read any of my other posts, I believe strongly in a restorative and rehabilitative approach to sex offense. I am talking about a "touching" offense here, but this would apply in all cases in some way.

Its very clear to me that this punitive approach to sex offense is punitive to everyone!!! I made it clear to my family that no one needed to be shunned, that we were still family and that we needed to work through this together...all of us. It didn't occur to me that their response to this would be to shun me--completely! I have been cut off from the rest of the family.

I realize this is because of the extremely emotional nature of this subject, however, the punitive nature of this issue feeds the flame. I am continually amazed at how so many people get suckered into the extreme control game of the legal system. Few people seem to think through the consequences of their actions just because they think this is what they are "supposed to do". Its challenging to be a person with a cooler head in the middle of this.

Of course, I miss my family tremendously, but I am saddened even more deeply by the extreme damage done to so many in every case. I am so sorry for what you are going through, Honestwitness. Those children, and you, do not deserve this kind of treatment under any circumstances,

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