Welcome, glad you found us, but sorry you needed us.

Yes, I am angry, but I'm more angry at the system, than hubby. If the system listened to our daughter, he would be home and we would be working together to fix the trust that was broken, yet they essentially gave him a life sentence. I have seen Councilors to help with this anger, and would recommend that you do see one for yourself, and still see one for the two of you.

Sorry to hear also they have a no contact order for your daughter. Studies show that when victim and abuser work together in their healing that it's better for both. Daughter has had limited contact with her dad, and can't wait till she can see him again. She knows he's sorry, and that has helped her so much...

Part of the problem is that the court summary was not clear about what the judge really said. He said no contact, and then he went back and said no contact until hubby's therapist thought it would be a good time. since both of those are on the sheet, it seems to contradict itself, so probation is taking the hard line and allowing no contact. We would have to go back to court to get it changed.... more specifically, my daughter would have to go back to court (she's 20 now) and while she may have been in a place for that a couple years ago, she is not in that place right now. She's been in and out of therapy but not going right now. There is only so much I can do now because of her age, she still lives with me (she's recently dropped out of college from depression) and how probation has interpreted the court summary.

As for my anger, I am angry at the system, but it seems now like I really do have a lot more anger directed at him than I even realized. He has done everything and more that is required of him and he's a totally different man than he was back then. But I just can't seem to get past how much I feel like my life sucks and it's all his fault.

Your life does "suck," but it's not ALL your hubby's fault. Now, you're also dealing with abuse by a parole officer and the justice system. And, you're dealing with a daughter who's decisions have affected you, making you feel further helplessness.

The only thing you can control is your own attitude and responses. You'll never be able to control what other people decide to do, regardless of how much that affects you.

For me, the Serenity Prayer really helps. God, grant me the serenity to accept those things I cannot change, courage to change those things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I have two adult sons in prison with very long sentences. Both were convicted of sex offenses. One son's victim was a child. They were both victims as children, themselves, which I didn't know until years later. Their abuser was a very close family member. I've been living with this nightmare for decades. I've gone from devastation, to fear, to anger, to numbness. I had to let the anger go, because it was causing me more harm than good. Numbness feels about right, because I can function better with numbness.

Unfortunately, my husband, who is the step-father of my children and is completely innocent of any wrongdoing, is the victim of my numbness, at this point. I can barely function as a wife, physically, so I don't even try any more. I also have difficulty being warm and loving emotionally. It's just the way it happens, when you've been through so much trauma. It wears you down to a nub.

Thanks honest. That really makes me think. I think you might be on to something about the numbness. I think I have been trying to "let go" of the anger, and shut down because of it. Similar to your numbness example. I really believe that I am going to have to face and deal with my anger in order to fully let it go, and not let it turn me totally numb. It's just that process that terrifies me. I really do need the help of a professional to help me get there I think. My husband has been asking me for years to let him have it. He has been wanting me to tell him how angry I am, but I'm scared to go there. I think it's just about time.

I think letting the anger out will be good for both of you. I also recommend that you get your daughter back into counciling and have the councilor write up a recommedation that your daughter needs to work out her issues with her father and contact are necessary for that (of course your daughter will have to ask councilor herself). Working on these issues can help all of you and help restore your family.

Yeah, she and I need to have a talk. She has quit counseling but is keeping it from me. I found out and need to talk to her about it. I know she needs to be in counseling for sure right now.

Thanks so much for the support!

The Serenity Prayer

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time, accepting hardship as a pathway to peace. Taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it, knowing that you will make all things right if I surrender to your will, so that I may be reasonably happy in this life, and forever happy with you forever in the next. Amen

You are welcome. It's nice to find someone else like myself. Everyone here has a different story, but haven't met someone here who is mother to victim and married to abuser (and wants to stay).

You are not alone in this, you have all of us here to help and support you and your family. Feel free to PM me anytime.

It's one of the hardest things to do, but yes, it helps immensely to let it out. I cried for my children and their pain and our changed situation, but I never talked about how I felt. There was such deep anger inside me that I was afraid if I said one word I would erupt.

It took years, literally, because our therapist AND our priest moved, so I had no one who knew us that I could trust. When I did, I cried and raged (more than once), but the weight lifted almost immediately. The fog of confusion and anger and helplessness that had surrounded me cleared. My soon-to-be-ex-husband is not happy with my decisions, but I feel like I'm ME again, and that is the greatest gift.

The anger weighs you down and ages you before your time, and closes communication. I'll pray for you to have someone you trust who can help you and your husband. He knows you and how you feel, and he wants you to heal. Saying it out loud is not nearly as bad as you're afraid it is, I promise :)

Best wishes!
Katherine

@honestwitness:
from what you shared, I see you have really faced a lot of trauma. The numbness you are talking about is depression. Don't know how long you have been in that state, but it would be good for you to at least talk with your health care provider, and get on an antidepressant even if its short term. I was functioning in the same way as you.

I kept everything bottled up inside, afraid of what would happen if anyone knew what was going on in my life. I finally couldn't do that any more, and told my Dr. everything that would spill out of my mouth in the allotted appointment time. She was wonderful. Did a total baseline physical, and put me on a mild antidepressant. I was not able to take it, but tolerated the St. John's Wort, so took that. Within a week or so I begin to notice a difference. I had a new interest in life, and was able to prioritize the things that needed attention in my life, which included taking care of myself, and planning what I needed to do to help my son.

This will not take your problems away, but it does help you look at them through a different, more hopeful lens. It helps you to see what is really worth obsessing over, and what to let go, at least what to put on the back burner for a later time. Do it for yourself, your husband will thank you also :)

Had a GREAT counseling session on Monday night. I really feel like our counselor "gets" me. She is able to re-explain things to my husband that he doesn't understand coming from me. I did a lot of crying and by the end (we went almost 30 min over our time) I think he had a different view on how hard things have been for me. I know he "knows" but he doesn't live my life. He has different struggles, but he doesn't' carry the weight of 4 struggling, hurting, kids like I do. He doesn't carry the weight of the failing finances like I do. Nothing is "fixed", but I think it was a big step for me. Of course I went home to some major plumbing issues that I can't afford to get fixed, so I'm gonna have to do some research and learn some quick DIY plumbing skills tonight. Thanks for all the encouragement!