I'm so sorry... that sucks! I wish I could say something that would make it all go away or make it better for everyone... I feel bad for your SIL (well for lack of a better term for him) I always find it hard to accept when someone needs to move on when the only reason for it is this flippin' label.

Not that your daughter shouldn't look out for #1, because she needs to do that. My heart gets torn between the offender and those that love them but are unable to live with it all and must move forward. As they say in every airplane I have ever ridden on, you must put on your oxygen mask before you attempt to assist anyone else. For if you don't live, you can't expect to be able to help anyone else.

He is going to need your support at least for a time, until he is ready to move on too, as your daughter has. Then things will get tough as you will be the one left... but you can rest assured that with your support and listening ear both will be OK, from what it sounds like... You are a strong person to do this both for your daughter and for him, thank you. There needs to be more people like you out there...

If I remember correctly, your SIL has a lot of years to complete before he is eligible for parole. I understand where your daughter is coming from. She's young, they haven't tied the knot - they have nothing other than what was, and what could have been.
Even those who have married their significant other, many cannot handle the long separation...everyone can only handle so much.

Iam sorry but iam happy that your still supporting him.

so sorry that it has come to this, but yes as she is only 20, i can totally understand her need

i am too am so happy that you will continue to give him friendship and emotional support!

and tho it's been so hard on all of you, i am so very grateful that it has brought you to us. that in and of itself is and will continue to be a benefit to others.

and thank you! you should be commended for the change in thinking and heart where SO's are concerned!!! not everyone can or is willing to do so.

My daughter was willing to stay with him if he get 2 to 3 years. She was not concerned about his SO status knowing full well all the consequences that came along with the label.

When he got 10 years at his sentencing the first words out of her mouth was she was still going to be his friend and support him.

My SIL had some talks before his sentencing. He knew that he will lose my daughter. But then i told him this story....

My 94 year old Grandma was married most of her life. She was good friends with another couple. This other man always had a crush on my grandma but they were married to other people so life went on.

70 years later this other mans wife died. My grandma went to the funeral and the sparks flew. My Grandma kicked her husband to the curb (he was my step grandpa and an ass).

Now they are shacked up together and living a blissful life.

Moral of the story....what i told my SIL...do not ever give up. My daughter will probable get married have children and get divorced before you are out of prison. If it was meant to be it will. If you have to wait 70 years it can happen.

Of course he loved that story. Life has mysterious ways.

I gotta agree with that... I remember when my husband was sentenced the first time around to 10 years it was like a kick in the gut... She may date people for 10 years and compare them all to him, only to end up later seeking him out. Who knows, what I have learned over the last 25 years or so about life is that it can't be predicted and it can't be planned to the minutiae. It just needs to be LIVED.

"Never leave an opportunity wasted. Have no regrets. Do the first the second takes care of itself" You just never know where you might end up, who you'll end up with and what you'll be doing at any given point in your life. Look at me, I have had at least 3 distinct careers actually probably closer to 4 in my lifetime so far. It just proves you just don't know where life will take you.

He's going to do better in prison than you fear. I remember those first few weeks, they were horrid. But he sounds like a smart young man and he'll be ok, I know this cause I watched my husband survive the experience. The place didn't chew him up and spit him out as I feared it would.

I should mention as you are new, my husband and I were able to get an appeal going and subsequently win it so that we could start over, in the end he was only in prison for 4 years, which compared to the 10 years given at the first sentencing was a relief. I was willing to wait the 10 years, but then again I am no spring chicken and I had picked him, PERIOD. But whether we were going to be married or not, he really was the one I was going to wait for regardless. I just don't want anyone thinking I was some super duper person for waiting 10 years when I really haven't.

To be honest even life on paper where we are is very unremarkable as far as harassment goes and things like that. But I firmly believe that has mostly to do with where we live in Wisconsin and the fact that anyone that we tell or finds out don't really seem to care at all. At least nothing I have seen displayed outward. But I know that harassment and things happen in other parts of the state, basically all of the southern parts and all of the eastern side of the state too. Living there is like living in all those horror stories of police harassment, home visits when you are off of supervision, and what I consider slander but isn't in the eyes of the law, costing SO owned businesses their clients. But I digress... I went off on a tangent... :)

You are a good person westdenali, I'll bet you don't hear it enough.