Families of SOs Community Group
WE HAVE MOVED!!! ............................. ............................... ......................... ............................ ............................. .......................... HERE: http://support-for-families.boards.net ............. ................ ............... ................ ............................... .................Please create a profile...
That's what it feels like, doesn't it.
Tiring, painful and just plain terrifying most of the time. My story is complex, yet I'm sure not as painful as most of you.
I've experienced the pain (and shame) of an uncle being falsely accused and sentenced (23 years in) to 30 years. The girls didn't understand the gravity of their accusations, they just didn't want to go to a school where they were being bullied. They have begged forgiveness from the family and my uncle. However painful, we have CHOSEN to forgive. I love my uncle, and am extremely close. I was so young when he was incarcerated, But he believes God had a purpose for his conviction. I can only listen and be humbled.
I grew up in an abusive home. Mental, emotional, physical and sexual. We were ALL confused, intimidated and lost. My mother did not stay when she found out about the sexual abuse, and blamed herself for not seeing. We were groomed... Desensitized. I remember the pain of the criminal Justice system and going through the courts. We (the victims) decided to opt for extensive psychological treatment over prison . Not one adult suggested this. We held one another, cried and found strength in each other and decided how we wanted to gain peace and closure. It wasn't an easy road, but I stand by our decision.
I found peace and closure in the power of forgiveness.
It wasn't found right away. I went through years of bitterness, anger, depression and desperation. No amount of drug use or outside "comfort" could give me inner peace. I had to hit my rock bottom before I came to the realization that I was always going to be damaged if I allowed him to affect me this way. Whether or not he chose to apologize for what he has done I had to forgive him. I had to say to myself that I could move on with my life. Once I truly forgave him, I found peace and understanding. I do believe there's a reason for all we go through. We have to CHOOSE to see the reason. He has never apologized, but God has made it so that he can't hurt anyone again. He's in his own prison, much more powerful than any institution. I'm truly sad for him.
Now I find myself loving a man on a registry. Dealing with the ups and downs of constant registering, limitations and adjusting to life outside of prison. I certainly do not approve of his past decisions. I love and accept the man he is today, moving on and overcoming shame and regret. His decision to stay in constant therapy and involve himself in support groups. Avoid certain situations and people who do not have his best interests at heart. As a friend, as more, I love and accept him. I do not know what our future is together or where we will be in 10 years. I just know that I've met somebody who has positively impacted my life and I'm extremely grateful for that.
Tiring, painful and just plain terrifying most of the time. My story is complex, yet I'm sure not as painful as most of you.
I've experienced the pain (and shame) of an uncle being falsely accused and sentenced (23 years in) to 30 years. The girls didn't understand the gravity of their accusations, they just didn't want to go to a school where they were being bullied. They have begged forgiveness from the family and my uncle. However painful, we have CHOSEN to forgive. I love my uncle, and am extremely close. I was so young when he was incarcerated, But he believes God had a purpose for his conviction. I can only listen and be humbled.
I grew up in an abusive home. Mental, emotional, physical and sexual. We were ALL confused, intimidated and lost. My mother did not stay when she found out about the sexual abuse, and blamed herself for not seeing. We were groomed... Desensitized. I remember the pain of the criminal Justice system and going through the courts. We (the victims) decided to opt for extensive psychological treatment over prison . Not one adult suggested this. We held one another, cried and found strength in each other and decided how we wanted to gain peace and closure. It wasn't an easy road, but I stand by our decision.
I found peace and closure in the power of forgiveness.
It wasn't found right away. I went through years of bitterness, anger, depression and desperation. No amount of drug use or outside "comfort" could give me inner peace. I had to hit my rock bottom before I came to the realization that I was always going to be damaged if I allowed him to affect me this way. Whether or not he chose to apologize for what he has done I had to forgive him. I had to say to myself that I could move on with my life. Once I truly forgave him, I found peace and understanding. I do believe there's a reason for all we go through. We have to CHOOSE to see the reason. He has never apologized, but God has made it so that he can't hurt anyone again. He's in his own prison, much more powerful than any institution. I'm truly sad for him.
Now I find myself loving a man on a registry. Dealing with the ups and downs of constant registering, limitations and adjusting to life outside of prison. I certainly do not approve of his past decisions. I love and accept the man he is today, moving on and overcoming shame and regret. His decision to stay in constant therapy and involve himself in support groups. Avoid certain situations and people who do not have his best interests at heart. As a friend, as more, I love and accept him. I do not know what our future is together or where we will be in 10 years. I just know that I've met somebody who has positively impacted my life and I'm extremely grateful for that.
When I found out that the man I love is a registered sex offender I couldn't help but ask God why he was doing this to me. I cried for days. it was hard for me to separate the two scenarios. He wasn't like my uncle. He did make the mistakes in his past. I have to think you all here for your support and insight. On top of communication with my uncle you brought an understanding to the situation. I wasn't going to run away, I knew I needed to make an informed decision. I chose to stay.
There's so much to consider when you love somebody in this situation. What makes it so much more complicated if the fact that I was victimized in the past. So I had to consider how many people Were going to look at me and say that this is some kind of psychological backlash for what happened to me as a child. I don't know how to respond to that properly.
It's not. I would never compare the two, they are on two completely different psychological levels.
I think what we bring to one another is the fact that victims can forgive and move on and offenders can forgive themselves and stop living in the past. They can be loved and keep their heads held high knowing that they are what they make of themselves today.
God puts us all on this path for a reason. We may not like how he put us on this road, but he is doing it to help us become a better person, help someone else become a better person, support others on this journey and/or help with efforts to create change. Each of us bring something to the table due to our experiences. I don't like how this came about, but had I not, I would have never met any of you, and put me on a road to help change the laws.
i am satisfied with that decision and i am satisfied with who i have become. that's all any of us can do. is work to go beyond what has hurt us in the past. we just have to deal with it and know that the past is just that, the past.
I do not have any type of relationship with him, my sister (who claims to have not been abused) does have a relationship with him. It's very difficult at times to listen to her laugh and talk about how loving he is and how we should attempt to rekindle a relationship. She'll talk to him on the phone right in front of us and say he says hello don't you want to say hi back. Sometimes I say hi, sometimes I say no.
He has never apologized and still refuses to acknowledge his past. I can't help but wonder if he's ashamed of what he had done, and by not admitting it he can pretend it never happened. He was severely abused as a child as well so I know that psychologically that has affected him. He's just like the man he hates the most, his father. It saddens me to know that some people can go through so much turmoil and not acknowledge their wrongs, seek forgiveness and attempt to move on. I know we'll all answer for our wrongs one day.
A huge step in finding forgiveness was regaining my faith that I held so closely to as a child going through everything. I had to forgive myself first for allowing The pains of my past to affect my present and my future. I had to shake all of the voices of blame from my abuser and from friends and loved ones that walked away. I never realized how deeply it had affected me until fairly recently. It affected my mental and physical health, how I viewed all relationships and my general outlook on life. I felt at some point like my loved ones even God had abandoned me! I was bitter and angry on the inside and tried to conceal my emotions for everyone else. I was desperately seeking peace and answers but could never find it. So for me I had to forgive. There was no other way around it.
I'm humbled that my words and experiences can help other people get through the trials they may have to face right now. I'm still trying to figure it all out myself, I know I'm on the right road.
I want to thank this community personally for helping me overcome certain obstacles and understand. We're all invaluable asset to one another if we can open up and be here for one another. We're all walking a very tight rope. It's painful, stressful and isolating at times. But we can find peace and happiness.
It's a choice we all have. Life is about decisions, lessons and our positive impact on others around us.