Families of SOs Community Group
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I haven't been on here in quite a while; my situation had really settled down and i wanted time away in a 'normal' life.
It's finally time to divorce. It has nothing to do with his SO status; we were rocky before his case. It's a DIY divorce, as I can't afford an attorney for more than brief consultations. Where I'm stuck is on visitation.
Currently, his terms of parole restrict him from contact with our daughter, though she wasn't even born when he was arrested, but not our son. He's on parole 2000 miles away, so it hasn't really been an issue. However, with a divorce, visitation has to be addressed. The divorce will be final before his parole is up in March, but I want to be proactive about after. I'm asking for sole custody until he establishes a stable home and job, which I don't think is unreasonable. The judge will require visitation to be supervised, at least for a while, given his status. This is my dilemma.
The judge will assume I'll want visitation to be supervised by CPS in their center. I don't think that it matters one way or the other to our daughter, but I sincerely believe it will hurt our son deeply. He still does not know where his father has been; he thinks he's been away on business. He will not understand why they can't go places and do things at any time. So, in my son's best interest, I'm considering offering myself as the supervisor. I've taught public school for 19 years and, obviously, am a mandated reporter. None of my husband's case involved our children. My ex-husband is a police officer, who will support me if I volunteer for this.
I hesitate because I don't think my husband will abide by my boundaries. He will use his time with the children to try to 'get me back'. He will show up whenever, will want to stay longer, etc. I don't want to hold his status over his head, which I promised I would never do because he was falsely accused, but I realize I do hold all the power in this situation.
I want to do what's best for my son, but I don't want to get taken advantage of. The attorney I consulted with says that judges LOVE when divorcing parents agree and would be much more likely to approve our unusual proposal.
Thanks for your thoughts.
It's finally time to divorce. It has nothing to do with his SO status; we were rocky before his case. It's a DIY divorce, as I can't afford an attorney for more than brief consultations. Where I'm stuck is on visitation.
Currently, his terms of parole restrict him from contact with our daughter, though she wasn't even born when he was arrested, but not our son. He's on parole 2000 miles away, so it hasn't really been an issue. However, with a divorce, visitation has to be addressed. The divorce will be final before his parole is up in March, but I want to be proactive about after. I'm asking for sole custody until he establishes a stable home and job, which I don't think is unreasonable. The judge will require visitation to be supervised, at least for a while, given his status. This is my dilemma.
The judge will assume I'll want visitation to be supervised by CPS in their center. I don't think that it matters one way or the other to our daughter, but I sincerely believe it will hurt our son deeply. He still does not know where his father has been; he thinks he's been away on business. He will not understand why they can't go places and do things at any time. So, in my son's best interest, I'm considering offering myself as the supervisor. I've taught public school for 19 years and, obviously, am a mandated reporter. None of my husband's case involved our children. My ex-husband is a police officer, who will support me if I volunteer for this.
I hesitate because I don't think my husband will abide by my boundaries. He will use his time with the children to try to 'get me back'. He will show up whenever, will want to stay longer, etc. I don't want to hold his status over his head, which I promised I would never do because he was falsely accused, but I realize I do hold all the power in this situation.
I want to do what's best for my son, but I don't want to get taken advantage of. The attorney I consulted with says that judges LOVE when divorcing parents agree and would be much more likely to approve our unusual proposal.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Either way your son will be hurt/ have a rough time. Please tell your son the truth now (preferably with a therapist present) give him a chance to work through this. If you don't want to get back together with his father, his dad is likely to use the fact that no one ever told him about his father as a reason to turn his son against you...just saying. Your son has built up a fantasy father and needs to come down to earth, come to grips with his "real" father, not become a pawn in a game of "get back together." .
And for what it's worth, I say have CPS supervise because given what you already know, it doesn't sound like your soon to be ex has changed much if in spite of everything he just wants to get back in with you.
Since your son has been kept in the dark about his father's "business" he may even end up mad at you so yes...reintegration with a father he never really knew probably needs to be supervised by CPS/ reintegration services. . Seems reasonable. It gives you and your son professional back up in a sticky situation. And will of course count in your favor with the judge and with CPS during the divorce If your husband doesn't like the idea, (only wants to use the time to re-integrate with you) maybe it's him that's not ready to be around his son or ".reintegrate" since it sounds like he's still focused on his own needs?
They will want to know how much your children know and if they don't know much how you are able to protect them. Our children know daddy done something naughty on the computer and cant live with us, he has rules to follow and one of those rules is they can only see him on one place. CPS want me to tell them more but they are too young to understand, it would raise more questions and even more complications. They treat me terribly as they have told me "no one likes sex offenders, there must be something keeping you with him". Just stand your ground and tell them what you would like, give them good reasons to accept it. Seek legal advice if you can.
Good luck with everything. I hope you get the result you want.
Depending on how old your son was when you first told him that his dad is on a business trip, he may have not been mature enough to handle the truth. I am not a professional but perhaps that can be explained with a counselor present as well as the counselor having ideas on how to "break the ice" on that subject. Yes... eventually he will need to know.
This is a very strong gut instinct you shouldn't ignore. You can question yourself but you know him better than we all do. Just from what you have discussed with us, I am confident in saying that we all think that you have a good head on your shoulders and you will do the right thing, and you will be able to adapt should things change for the better or worse.
Remember...actions are stronger than words would ever be.