Families of SOs Community Group
WE HAVE MOVED!!! ............................. ............................... ......................... ............................ ............................. .......................... HERE: http://support-for-families.boards.net ............. ................ ............... ................ ............................... .................Please create a profile...
Goodness, it's been so long! I don't stop thinking of you all. So much had been going on, but I know this is the one place I can vent.
I always knew there would come a point where I had to face how much I forgive my father and where my relationships stands with him. I don't know if part of forgiving him is forgetting everything that he's done and putting it on the shelf and leaving it there. I just don't want to have any regrets.
Saturday my father had 3 heart attacks. In itself I was fighting with being slightly indifferent and having compassion for him. Yesterday, Wednesday, he had to have a triple bypass surgery. It went well, so far. He's in recovery and now the risk of infection is pretty high since he has diabetes. My sister is on on vacation and happened to be heading that way when he had his heart attack. So her vacation consists of sitting in the hospital and waiting to see how his recovery is. She keeps us posted and asked that we pray for her. I do. But my brother responded to the text message with something that we've all been thinking. This is what he said:
" You would think that if the situation were that serious he would consider reaching out to those that he's done dirty all these years and try and make amends. However he is not done so."
There's so many things that he's done that he refuses to own up to and it's undeniable. I have no clue why he won't just own up to the hurt that has caused so many. It's not a simple pain. It's a deep, slow burn that none of us have really ever gotten over. We struggled, God knows we've tried! But no matter how many say that we have forgiven him just so that we can move on, I'm left with a question. What is true forgiveness?
Do I have to open up this can of worms and feel all that pain just to finally be free? It's one thing to go through life numb, acknowledging that there was pain refusing to feed the fire. It's another to finally put that out. Is there freedom from the pain? I truly have no idea and I don't know if I should try. Should I let sleeping dogs lie and just live life the way it is? Could handling the situation the way I have been all these years be what's holding me back? Is it the reason why I doubt every single move that I make...and every decision?
I know I have to find the answers to my question. Maybe this is part of my journey finding myself. In the end I just want peace. I want to settle myself finally be happy the pretending all the time. Its not that I never experienced moments of true happiness it's just that they're always muddied. I always hear his voice of negativity going through my mind reminding me that I'm not good enough, that I'm worthless. The only time I can really remember him saying anything uplifting is before he would do something vile. He stole so much from me. My innocence, my trust, my sense of who I was. I've always been strong and sure of myself, and he shook my foundation. F*** him and his whole family, feels good to say that. But it also feels empty. I know that's not my final answer, and I'll never be at peace until I try. Do you keep trying?
I always knew there would come a point where I had to face how much I forgive my father and where my relationships stands with him. I don't know if part of forgiving him is forgetting everything that he's done and putting it on the shelf and leaving it there. I just don't want to have any regrets.
Saturday my father had 3 heart attacks. In itself I was fighting with being slightly indifferent and having compassion for him. Yesterday, Wednesday, he had to have a triple bypass surgery. It went well, so far. He's in recovery and now the risk of infection is pretty high since he has diabetes. My sister is on on vacation and happened to be heading that way when he had his heart attack. So her vacation consists of sitting in the hospital and waiting to see how his recovery is. She keeps us posted and asked that we pray for her. I do. But my brother responded to the text message with something that we've all been thinking. This is what he said:
" You would think that if the situation were that serious he would consider reaching out to those that he's done dirty all these years and try and make amends. However he is not done so."
There's so many things that he's done that he refuses to own up to and it's undeniable. I have no clue why he won't just own up to the hurt that has caused so many. It's not a simple pain. It's a deep, slow burn that none of us have really ever gotten over. We struggled, God knows we've tried! But no matter how many say that we have forgiven him just so that we can move on, I'm left with a question. What is true forgiveness?
Do I have to open up this can of worms and feel all that pain just to finally be free? It's one thing to go through life numb, acknowledging that there was pain refusing to feed the fire. It's another to finally put that out. Is there freedom from the pain? I truly have no idea and I don't know if I should try. Should I let sleeping dogs lie and just live life the way it is? Could handling the situation the way I have been all these years be what's holding me back? Is it the reason why I doubt every single move that I make...and every decision?
I know I have to find the answers to my question. Maybe this is part of my journey finding myself. In the end I just want peace. I want to settle myself finally be happy the pretending all the time. Its not that I never experienced moments of true happiness it's just that they're always muddied. I always hear his voice of negativity going through my mind reminding me that I'm not good enough, that I'm worthless. The only time I can really remember him saying anything uplifting is before he would do something vile. He stole so much from me. My innocence, my trust, my sense of who I was. I've always been strong and sure of myself, and he shook my foundation. F*** him and his whole family, feels good to say that. But it also feels empty. I know that's not my final answer, and I'll never be at peace until I try. Do you keep trying?
I am a victim of so much, granted neither of my abusers are family members and I have not seen either of them for over 15 years so I can not relate to you on that level.
I will never, ever forgive my abusers. What they did was disgusting and I can not excuse their actions because what they did to me has destroyed great parts of me. I guess I just want to understand why they did what they did, or why they felt the need to.
Asking for him to apologize is like asking a rock to produce water. My thoughts are maybe he doesn't know how or just doesn't want to. Maybe he sees his physical destruction as his karma coming around. I don't know, I'm not him.
I'm just thinking you aren't going to get what you are looking for from him.
I know I wish the worst upon the two that hurt me. I wish one day I would know what happened to them and I hope it is awful.
I've been having very similar feelings of worthlessness and that I am never going to be good enough in any aspect of anything.
I don't know if there is freedom from the pain because I haven't found it yet. I am still searching for it, and I'm hoping one day I'll find it.
I honestly don't know what else to say, other than I'll be praying for you. That one day you'll find your answer. One day you'll find your peace and it will be glorious because you deserve every ounce of it.
Forgiveness is a strange thing - I often wonder when I hear victims say they forgive that person whether they really do or it is an attempt to make themselves "right" with their faith. I think the forgiveness is more for the victim than it is for the abuser (as it should be) but I do not think that true forgiveness would have to have an admittance of quilt from the abuser - to me that would be instead justification for the victim. does that make any sense?
I agree that all victims deserve peace - I hope you find it but I think it has to come from within - if that means forgiveness than so be it but i would think I would find that hard to do.
I need to forgive, there is peace in forgiveness. And I need him to at least admit and acknowledge his choices. He still has people taking his side... Neither of his six children have a relationship with him because we're the liars and he's the victim... Right.
But you almost died... Give me closure. Will you ever show remorse? I'm being berated and ridiculed by his following for not speaking with him. People i haven't spoken to in YEARS calling me up and shaming me. The same people who smoked me as a child and forbid their children to speak to me anymore. But it's an endless head game with him. You can't rewrite reality, I want the closure I deserve, if he does nothing for me at all... Give me that.
It is true, that forgiveness is for you, not the other person. You are letting go of the anger you have for that person, which helps your wellbeing. Forgiveness doesn't mean you forget, or what he did was ok - you are only releasing the power he has over you.
If you need some of the why's answered, ask here. I was able to ask the why's with someone else, when I couldn't ask hubby. That person was very remorseful, and I saw the pain in their eyes as they told me their story. I know sharing my story with them was healing for them too, as they saw that someone like them can be forgiven.
This goes back to why I posted the article about restorative justice. When the victim and the offender work together, they both find healing. They can find closure. If the person who offended you won't or can't, find another avenue to let go of the hurt and anger.
You may never have a good relationship, or any relationship with your father ever again, and that is OK. Forgiveness doesn't mean you have to let them back into your life. I pray your father will own up to his actions, for your sake.