You are so right Orphananny. I don’t know why society places a stronger stigma to the sex offender than any other crime, but they do. Help for the families are almost non existent. There are however some therapists who can address the needs of the family members, you just have to find those who can. Even then, you may have to kiss a lot of toads before you find your prince. I have a great therapist who specializes on addiction, and even she was not a whole lot of help when I started going through my ordeal with my son. She squirmed in her seat worse than I did. Consequently, I have found that coming on this site has been a greater help. In this group we are all in this together, and understand the frustrations that go along with being a family member or a friend of someone who is/was a sex offender.

You are doing all you know how to do, and sometimes these things are just out of our hands. We can’t fix people, we can only lead them to where we think they may be able to get help. Some people respond, others don’t, and there isn’t anything you can do about that. Seems like at this point , your only option for right now is just to love them, and do what you can to make them comfortable in their situations. I am assuming they are in prison. If so, that may be their new life, and your also. Adjusting to that for all of you is an ordeal in itself. Believe me, I have done much kicking and screaming as I have been dragged from one phase of this journey to another. There are many of us here who have or are going through the same process of adjusting to a different way of life.

There are some here who have been on this journey longer than I have, and am sure they will share with you as well. For right now, take things one day at the time, and don’t beat yourself up for not being able to fix things for your boys. We cannot always fix things for our kids as much as we would like to. That has been my frustration as well, and for others I am sure.

Feel free to express yourself, we will listen. Hugs to you.

We are here for you.

Trying to help your kids and "protect society' are often conflicting and impossible goals. Restorative justice has an sex offender component and maybe you can contact Circles of support and accountability (Rev. Audrey deCoursey Ecuminical Ministreies of Oregon. phone # 503-988-8580 (office) (971) 279-9724 (cell) adecoursey@emoregon.org He might have some comfort and know other resources in other states.

There is a website: Male Survivor http://www.malesurvivor.org has resources. A lot of kids who run amok are afraid to tell about their own trauma, sexual or otherwise and act it out instead. (Not all were traumatized and not everyone traumatized goes that route but some do and they don't want to burden their mothers with more guilt either so...) Any way there is a guy named Chris Anderson who is the director and he might be able to reach out.

As mothers, I think we struggle with 'guilt' that our son, some other person in our family is " failing" and because we ARE wives and "Mothers" we think we didn't do that magic something called "try harder/ love more/ etc etc" be perfect) So we believe in our heart of hearts that We are the ones responsible for "all this" and also responsible cleaning it all up and for "protecting the entire community" (a community that fails to support us or our children when we don't magically make thing "right for everyone and prove our worth as "mothers" of throw-away kids labeled sex offenders from the git-go) Then the temptation is to cut our kids loose, convince every one we "tried d=so hard" and assume the Myartered Mother Role. Sorry but screw that too.

Don't worry...There's a lots of "us" out here and plenty of collateral damage to go around. Just keep on keeping on.

Daily Strength is here for everyowe no matter which side of this hot mess we find ourselves on...
You have come to the right place. Janet Mackie

I remember when this situation first exploded over 11 years ago. It felt like a nuke went off in my heart. It felt like the weight of the entire ocean was sitting on my head and I couldn't move. We had found him in the act so there was no denial. I taught him to tell the truth, so he confessed to everything and off he went, never to return to my home, he was just turning 13 years old. While he was incarcerated he started confessing to more things, like how he had been repeatedly raped by his older brother and then twice by another kid around his age. I then found out he had been abusing my daughter for about two years before we caught him. That lead to finding out my oldest boy was also raped by an older teen aged boy while he was being babysat at his fathers home. This nightmare just doesn't seem to end. Flash forward several years >> He has been in jail, in treatment, in a sex offender foster home, counseling, medication, family support etc.. and still he offended again. This time he was caught by home land security for using a chat line to solicit sex from a 15 year old girl. Fortunately her father found the messages in time and they set my son up with an under cover cop sting. From what I know so far from the news stories is that he is facing two charges both could get him three years a piece + the ten years he had hanging over him from the three Pryor charges. He is in the jail, hasn't even had court yet and they already had to move him to a safer local because he has been bullied and harassed in the shower room. The worst part this time was having to tell his sister so she didn't see it on the news first. She didn't take it very well. So there ya have it, I have not just one but two offenders and three victims in my children. Being a survivor myself as was my mother, I thought I would know what to watch for to keep this from happening to my kids, but even with all my first hand experience this evil act affected all three of my kids, and now has reached my grand daughter whom was molested by her own father (my oldest son). When you say to me don't beat yourself up, I have to ask you, how could I not?>> (The rest of society does). My oldest is not in jail, but is in sex offender treatment, on probation and on the registry. I love my boys and have been through a lot in trying to help them. They know I love them and they both have a hard time looking me in the eye. Yet nothing I can do, no words I can say have helped any of them. I even went to college and got a BA in psychology so I could understand them better, but none of it helped. I have nightmares about them, I randomly burst into tears, sometimes I just withdraw into myself. I did papers on them, I tried counseling for myself (not impressed with that system). I have tried to talk to others in my life about it. Even my husband cannot talk about it for long before his anxiety takes over. He wants to help, but like me knows there is nothing he can do. I feel very isolated, and now with it being all over the news I fear for my families safety and privacy. I have not gone to see him yet this time and have not answered the two times he tried to call me. I just cant face him yet. I am so angry I want to beat him up. This will be his fourth charge. Reading the comments from others online who read his story has not eased my fears. They hate him and want very bad things to happen to him. He is only 25 years old and has been in the legal system since he was 12 and he is still messed up. His life is a big bowl of sht soup. So who do I blame? Me, his father who was the same, the generation before that who did it to his father, genetics, a failed treatment program,?? I just don't know anymore. All I can think about is my little baby boy who used to be so sweet is now going to prison with people who want to hurt him even more. All I ever wanted was to protect my kids and keep us all together. Well...... That didn't work out so well. So whos fault is it?

It should really not come as a surprise that when an 11 year old is labeled this way and their future ruined they re-offend. It is a horrible horrible system. Unfortunately when your son needed help the most (although I cannot imagine what an 11 yr old could do that would warrant being a sex offender) it was not there for him ... I am so sorry for this situation

Thank you.
That is the hardest part for me. I didn't know what was happening to him right under my own roof, to this day he wishes he had told me sooner before he hurt his sister and the others. That is what I kick myself in the ass with, ( I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT)!!!!! I thought they were safe at home, but I didn't see it, and now its to late.

orphananny: I just finished revising the 14th and last chapter of my book titled A Sex Offender's Wife, A Daughter's Life, a Mother's Voice Speaking out, breaking silence. And No, I'm not trying to shop my book on Daily Strength It's not even published and in the end I'll probably have to try to self publish...so what I'm telling you now is just that I finally found courage to write about the generations of incest and child sexual abuse in my on family. I wrote the book because I think The Silencing of our truth about our families and about sexual abuse and about how useless all the current "solutions" are. (880,00 sex offenders on the Registry and we all are just expected to join the lynch mob and forget that a lot of sex curious kids are still being thrown to the wolves and thrown away in the system as it enriches itself filling up the prisons and blaming families/ mothers for producing "bad seeds" ) I refuse to co-operate any more. The Silencing of us all (by the molesters and by the system and by all those who ask "How could You not have known?) " Is I believe, what keeps the cycle going on / grinding up the next generations.

You need to be there for yours and for your daughter and for yourself. We didn't start this. But there is a chance if we all find courage to speak up/ help out in whatever way we can that we might somehow change the trajectory of all this mess just a tiny bit and maybe our grandchldren's child won't have to go through it, at least not to the extent that we and our children have...So remember we are not our label not us or our kids or even the person who molested us or them. No one is the "Label" Don't be afraid of what "they" might say when/ if they know the whole truth.

If they ask, "How could you not have known?" Just tell them that that's what keeps you awake at night too. And then go on. Be there for yourself and for your kids and just do the best you can. We on Daily Strength really are here for you. We do understand. Believe me. We understand no matter which side of this "issue" we think we come from...we are all sides together here. Take care. And come back. Janet Mackie

Thank you Janet
It is good to finally after all these years to find a place where people know how I feel. I have often considered writing a book about my experiences with sexual abuse, from my own to my mom, and my kids, friends, other relatives. It just seems like we have been cursed. It seems no matter what I do to educate myself for my kids, I still couldn't stop my sons from being who they are inside. My heart is just so heavy.
Thank you all for listening.

"from being who they are inside" ? Once a sex offender always a sex offender? That's just not true (maybe this is going to take longer for him but he's not going anywhere is he? And if he gets messed with inside you don't want to be the one to turn your back first. We don't need to be judge and jury and "pass sentence" before you can admit we love them.
Right now they (and maybe you?) can't help but express anger in ways that end up hurt yourselves and others. Maybe you are frustrated and angry because you have tried so hard, done everything 'right' and still, "This." If he's already had to be moved for his own protection, all he really needs right now is not for you to "forget and forgive" but to let go of all those "expectations" he obviously can't meet right now and just be there. period. Simple as that.
I understand your heart is heavy. If you're anything like me and you do decide to write you will end up putting a lot of dis-remembered pieces back together and looking at the whole picture and then going back to see what it all tells you. (and maybe hope it is relevant for a few others as well and ends up protecting some little kid from going through what your family went/ is going through. At least that's what happened to me. It's painful. It's not a curse. I feel a lot more whole now. Nirvana hasn't 'happened' yet But I'm still waiting for the Little Green Fairy to appear and explain it all but....it's better and yes, orphanny finding a Family to talk to here Daily Strength helps a lot. Take care, Janet Mackie

See this is the part that is hard on social media. It is easy to misread things. Yes I am angry, but I have never turned my back on him nor will I ever for any of my kids. I was there for all of it. It wasn't my expectations that hurt so much, it is the repeated attacks on my hope, and that he continued to try and tell people what they wanted to hear, but never integrated it on a soul level. From all the treatment and counseling, meds and family what he learned most was how to do what I call (counselor speak)They have both got another side to their personalities,that is a real mental illness. that is what I mean by who they are inside. I have accepted that they cannot control it on their own, something else takes over. I am so afraid for them, and all I can do is go visit, which is hard for the one heading to prison because he can see the pain and fear in my eyes. I struggle with giving him his space without having to face me. I know he is ashamed and afraid and seeing me will only make us both cry, and with the bullying he is already receiving I don't want to make him look weak in front of the other inmates right now. My plan is to go to the court date and just take it from there like always. I expect his aunt and I will be setting up some kind of plan for visiting because I am sure they will be keeping him this time. This will be the fourth time seeing him in shackles at court. My sons both know how I hurt for them because I love them, but I try my best not to let them see it. I have been writing for about thirty years just to myself. I use it to keep myself on track and always have. I have a big trunk full of All those puzzle pieces and they have been intensely scrutinized. I personally have never met any green fairies and I sure don't expect to. I have learned not to sugar coat the tough times. I find nirvana in my writing, my art work, music, my pets, chi gong, mediation, chakra work, nature, and friends etc.... So I know just like always I will be fine, because I also have the most important thing and that is the love and support of my family. It is my boys that I fear for, they don't have the strength I do. It is the pain and worry that sparks the anger. Fear is after all the root of anger. I feel helpless in trying to save my children and that makes momma bear mad. My plan is to use all this knowledge on the subject to educate others (those who want to be educated) on how to live through seeing your child's face all over the internet. It took my fear to a whole new level. Even with all this I do still have hope that they wont always be sex offenders. I have to hope, its all I have. But even if they can't be saved I will still love them and do my best, and I believe they know that since I am usually the first one they call. Court is next week. I hope you wont see us on the news. Wish us luck.

We all want to make sense out of nonsense. We ask ourselves why? We try and and figure it out. We beat ourselves up. We get angry...sad...scared.

After two years i figured out sometimes we just dont know the answer. Although we want to.

I still get angry. How can someone i love do something so heinous? Why would he throw his life away for 45 minutes of doing something stupid and so out of character?

It is not easy. I am thankful for this forum. I would like to see more community support. There are support groups for everything else under the sun. Why not for families of sex offenders? I would like to be able to talk about it with real live people...not just on the internet.

I have no answers. All i know is i will love, support, and forgive. Afterall we are all human.

I don't know what state you are in but If you want to meet other women in person Vicki Henry / Women Against the Registry has chapters in most states where you can actually have coffee and talk to others. I'm not sure they are 'support groups" but they will certainly welcome you and you might help get a group going if they don't already have anything. .

There is also an organization patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous' (AA)'s women's groups (Al Anon). The men's group is called Sex-aholics Anonymous. I'm not sure what the women's/wives/family members groups are called but if you google sex-aholics anonymous and if there' are meetings in your area then you could probably ask about the meeting for family members. That's free and member run and anonymous just like AA and Al-anon

In the state where I live (NV) we are trying to get a WAR chapter started and we plan to meet in LV in November (same time the National Defense Lawyers meet) We are far and few between here in NV so if you want to talk about that e-mail me. There used to be an organization called Parent's United but since the climate has become so punitive I'm not sure there are any chapters of Parents United in operation. All these groups are member run groups and last I heard were free and anonymous.

Otherwise you just about have to find a chapter of some organization like Cure-Sort or RSOL etc and volunteer locally to meet other women in person.

One of the problems is, in my opinion, that since 'felons' can't 'associate' the rest of us married to someone on the registry are limited in being able to meeting each other unless of course we met / saw each other during visiting.

Does anyone else have resources they can suggest where women/ family members can find a group and get together? I think member run, free/ small donation groups would be best. but then how to invite others?

I know the blame all too well. People assume I must have known as it was happening under my roof. If I had known, I would have done something then. But, I was fooled by the myths the media tells us. I didn't know who was more likely to abuse nor the warning signs. I felt so lost and alone when hubby was arrested. I felt like an enigma; but here, I felt understood and not alone at all.

I know the pain you are going through, and you are right, there is very little help for the families affected. This is why DS is so helpful.

Orphananny

You have certainly been through the mill in your life, and it is good you pride yourself on your strength, but its okay to not be strong all the time. Sometimes your vulnerable side can help you stay afloat too.

When my son was first arrested, I cried like a maniac for at least 30 min. sitting in my car at the jail parking lot, after that, I cried for a long time almost non stop. I think my family almost forgot what I really looked like due to the red swollen eyes and nose that became my most prominent features. I still had things to do and did them, but it was not easy. A cashier at the grocery store once asked me if I was alright, and if there was anything she could do for me. I assured her I was going through a rough patch and was having a hard time dealing with it. Some people just stared, that was ok too because I was not able to control it at that time.

The first time I went to see my son at the jail we only had 30 min. The second I laid eyes on him I burst into tears. I just couldn’t handle seeing him in that orange jump suit. To this day I will not wear anything orange. We cried for at least 29 and a half of the 30 min I was in there, and I continued it on the way home.

The conversation was very simple. “ I love you, I miss you, are you okay? What can I do to help you? It hurts me to see you in this place.” I didn’t have to bring up what happened, he knew what got him in there. All I wanted for him to know was how much I loved him no matter what. The circumstances that got him in jail were not relevant at that moment. Outside of telling him we were looking for an attorney for him, I knew there would be plenty of time to wallow around in the dirt, this was not the time He was hurting, I was hurting, and I couldn’t even hug him through the glass that separated us.

What is the point you ask. The point is, that we are not able to solve every problem all at the same time. With no disrespect intended, just for now, do you think you could allow the past to stay in the past? Can you go see your son and allow yourself and him to feel the sorrow that you feel without judgment? Can you be with him and not think about how many times this makes that he has screwed up? Can you go to court and not care what “they” think because this is your child and you love him no matter what?

The past is done, the future is not here yet, all you have is the present, and your son needs your love. Go give it to him, and let the chips fall where they may. He matters more than any of the other stuff you have been bringing up. Just love him, everything else will come at its proper time and you can deal with it then.

I do wish you all the best.

Being I have dealt with this for years now, I truly don't care about how people judge me, I want them to learn from me... I am over that. I actually feel grateful that they do not know what it is like to be me. I don't want any parent to feel the pain I have. Looking at the past it is hard to ignore the road that led us here. I constantly look back wondering what I could have done differently, when or where could I have turned this wreck around. Was it ever in my power? Did I miss it? With each new offence I start researching, what can I do this time?? What should I say this time?? Will my words help or not? Should I just be silent and hug them? Should I grab them by the ear and yell?? It is always an internal battle trying to do and say the right thing. Some times I am so afraid to be wrong that I do nothing. I do and will always keep trying. I have gotten pretty good with the tears after all this time. I have learned how to shut down and be almost business like when I see them, but afterwards I always need to be alone so I can cry. It sounds cold to most people, but I can usually control the tears, sometimes I want to cry and cant. Self preservation became necessary and I had to learn to handle myself. I have just as much pain as I did that first day when I caught my son raping my daughter, but now I can go cold when I need to so I can get things done. I do more listening then speaking for them all, there are many holes in my tongue from trying to keep my own thoughts under control so they can hear themselves. They find me a comfort and that is all I can do. But who is there for me?? That is the trouble I see with this system. Who is there for the moms? Who will pick me up when I feel weak and defeated so I can carry on for them? Most people cannot relate, but everybody has an opinion.

MistyU: You are so right. My heart goes out to every one of "us" sharing our "experience, strength and hope" here on Daily Strength. It takes courage to find our strength and hope and act in the present from a place of love. It is so good to know we know each other, no need to inhabit separate silos, no need to stay silent and go closet to grave not realizing we are all here so close beside each other but, until now, were separated and frozen in place by history and shame and blame. Somehow we forgot that the thing that matters most, in the time that remains, is to reach out in love in the moments we have with the people we love.