Families of SOs Community Group
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I'm a man in my 30's who who was arrested over a year ago for possession of images depicting underage girls. I spent a year in jail, where I was treated like the worse of the worse by other people in there who are RSO with worse crimes than me, and am on 3 years probation now.
I have been out of jail for a few months now, but life has been incredibly hard.I had to explain what happened to my girlfriend of 3 years, and after trying to give me a chance, she keeps crying and can't deal, so she left me. We still talk a little, but not sure if she can ever deal with it.
I lived on one end of the county, but after being arrested, I lost the house in was renting and had to move into my parents house on the other side of the county. Probation still won't transfer me to this side, so I've had to drive almost 2 hours one way to report to them once and twice a week and drug test. I don't have a problem with drugs, but because I ate some bread, which unknown to me, contained poppy seeds and failed the test which was sensitive enough to pick that up, I have been having to drive for these tests.
On Halloween, I stayed at my girlfriend's house since the house I am at has my family and roommates and it wouldn't be fair to make them shut off the lights and stay indoors, and told probation this. They showed up there and illegally searched her house, which is one of the reasons she left me. They then gave me a violation for not letting them into the house when I told them it wasn't my residence and had no say on the matter.
The counseling has been the worst part of it. I was seeing a group counselor who would spend an hour of the alloted hour and half berating me, calling me a liar, and badgering me like a cop, while the whole time telling me if I make a choice in life, I need to own it. The last session he accused me of stealing something from his office, which is a ridiculous accusation, and then telling me he is tired of me saying I don't have any money and wants me to pay for the $900/month sessions and $300 polygraph right then and now. The other thing he does is freely talk about other clients he has, talks in depth of their sessions and goes as far as giving their full name. This does not make me feel secure. With this, he keeps going over the fact that I failed the polygraph and hence his proclivity to call me a liar. I failed every question on it because of stress and anxiety, I've been trying to do everything right to get through this, and he is dead set on the fact that the polygraph is gospel, even though another person in the group failed the test on a question it was impossible for him to lie about. So now they are going to have me take these tests every 4 months at $300 per time, which is something I cannot afford.
I often think about just going back to jail and serve the rest of the sentence and get out without probation, but am not sure how much time more that would require. Life is so hard right now, and I'm tired of the anxiety and stress that comes with it.
I have been out of jail for a few months now, but life has been incredibly hard.I had to explain what happened to my girlfriend of 3 years, and after trying to give me a chance, she keeps crying and can't deal, so she left me. We still talk a little, but not sure if she can ever deal with it.
I lived on one end of the county, but after being arrested, I lost the house in was renting and had to move into my parents house on the other side of the county. Probation still won't transfer me to this side, so I've had to drive almost 2 hours one way to report to them once and twice a week and drug test. I don't have a problem with drugs, but because I ate some bread, which unknown to me, contained poppy seeds and failed the test which was sensitive enough to pick that up, I have been having to drive for these tests.
On Halloween, I stayed at my girlfriend's house since the house I am at has my family and roommates and it wouldn't be fair to make them shut off the lights and stay indoors, and told probation this. They showed up there and illegally searched her house, which is one of the reasons she left me. They then gave me a violation for not letting them into the house when I told them it wasn't my residence and had no say on the matter.
The counseling has been the worst part of it. I was seeing a group counselor who would spend an hour of the alloted hour and half berating me, calling me a liar, and badgering me like a cop, while the whole time telling me if I make a choice in life, I need to own it. The last session he accused me of stealing something from his office, which is a ridiculous accusation, and then telling me he is tired of me saying I don't have any money and wants me to pay for the $900/month sessions and $300 polygraph right then and now. The other thing he does is freely talk about other clients he has, talks in depth of their sessions and goes as far as giving their full name. This does not make me feel secure. With this, he keeps going over the fact that I failed the polygraph and hence his proclivity to call me a liar. I failed every question on it because of stress and anxiety, I've been trying to do everything right to get through this, and he is dead set on the fact that the polygraph is gospel, even though another person in the group failed the test on a question it was impossible for him to lie about. So now they are going to have me take these tests every 4 months at $300 per time, which is something I cannot afford.
I often think about just going back to jail and serve the rest of the sentence and get out without probation, but am not sure how much time more that would require. Life is so hard right now, and I'm tired of the anxiety and stress that comes with it.
As far as therapy, Just program (shuck and jive) and smile. You have to go and you don't get to pick your therapist. Your current one is obviously an over-paid duck. I hate to say it but the "devil (therapist) you know might be better than the devil you end up with if you insist on finding a different duck. . You don't have to spill your guts. Agree with him, smile and nod and this one will eventually calm down. $$$ is a "forever" problem.
Tell them that because you don't have money (and he wants cash before he will see you?) say you would like to try group therapy since group therapy usually costs less. In group you might have a chance to see/ hear from others in your situation and get some perspective on how they "handle" / program in your county. Learning the ropes might help you to navigate past this. If you get discouraged and decide to just go get yourself revoked and sent to prison it'll be too late to change your mind when you get to processing. Since it doesn't sound like you did too well in "Jail" you might find getting along in prison to be even worse..
Either way now or when you leave prison you will still be on the registry facing the same hurdles and have to comply, like it or not, or you'll have make a return trip (or trips) back to jail or prison. It is a hard pill to swallow but that is your "new" reality. The "system" is about the same at all levels and the sooner you start to figure out the system and find ways to get a life in spite of "them" the better your life will be. You really do not want to let your anger and depression spin this whole thing out into even more misery.
My sentence was a Johnson year in custody and 3 years formal probation after that. I have the felony on my record and have to register for life. I did a year in jail in 2003, and spent 90 days in prision on a 90 day op for the charge I picked up in 2003, so I am familiar with the system. You are right, I did not cope well in jail, but I know how to do it, and survived. My biggest problem is the stupid people more than the place. I'm college educated and was moving into the medical field before I dealt with some severe depression and stopped going to school. At this point any prospect of going into the medical field is shot, but I'm okay with that. I work construction and find jobs.
With therapy, I am actually open to it and have no problem with counseling as a whole, I have just been dealing with the worst side of governmental subsidized version of it. The girl I was dating is actually in the social service field, so I was talking to her about what I was dealing with and she was upset about what they were doing to here field of employment.
I have been attending the group counseling once a week, and individual counseling once a week or once every two weeks. The individual counselor isn't a bad guy, it's the group counselor who is terrible. As for payments, it has been unorganized. I told them from the start there was going to be no way I could afford it, so they told me I had to get medical insurance. I went to get that with the county, but it didn't kick in until November. Then, the insurance was only covering $3.54 for every session, group costing $100/week, and individual costing $200 per session. On top of that is the $300 for the polygraph. I have been making payments on the polygraph, but when I originally signed up for the counseling, they told me it would be once a year, now they are telling me it's every 4 months. So, two weeks ago they gave me the invoice for the bill and said I need to start paying it. And yet the individual counselor said don't worry about it.
I tried to do what you said, and the others in the group told me about smiling and talking in group, and on the days when it was just a group discussion, that worked fine. The problem is the counselor would constantly single me out. It would be 10 minutes of "how was your week?" with the group, 20 minutes talking to the other 3 group members, followed by an hour of him just asking me questions, indirectly calling me a liar or asking me questions and when I would answer, he would tell me to stop complaing and just own up. He would say I'm addicted to child porn, even though he knows nothing about me, just because of the results of the polygraph. His memory is terrible and since he doesn't write notes, he would forget what he asked me, and every week we rehash the same questions, the same insults, and him telling me I'm lying.
I have become very depressed. I absolutely hate what my life has become. I wake up, and my first thought is about my registration. When I talk to people, I think about how they think of me, I'm terified of children now, and even avoid my nephew and niece who live with my brother at our parents house. And while I don't think I would ever do it, I constantly think about suicide. Not a day has passed since my arrest that I haven't just thought of ending it. I keep persevering, but 5 months in and I'm over it all.... and I have to survive a lifetime of this?
Sorry you have become so depressed, you will have to turn your energy or lack of it into something positive. You really got lucky with only 3 years probation, man the 3 little years will fly by so fast, You are still very young and will be able to move on even on the registry.
I myself think you will benefit more in a group treatment as JanetM pointed out, you will get to know how others deal with the stress, depression etc in their lives. Yes there are some that do not or will not cope well in any environment.
As for as jobs go speak with some of the other men and women in group, find out what others do for a living, I know many of the ones in the groups that I help with have decent jobs especially the ones that really want a job and do not mind getting dirty or long hours. The worst thing you can do is sit around and feel sorry for yourself, that only makes the problem worst.
And really many of the people that I know would say you are on a cake walk compared to men and women that did hard time, 10 years probation or like some states life time probation.
(You said)-Not a day has passed since my arrest that I haven't just thought of ending it. I keep persevering, but 5 months in and I'm over it all.... and I have to survive a lifetime of this?
YES YOU have to survive a lifetime of this as it is now, change will come one day, get involved in a state group, stand up and fight for one day being able to get off the registry. Go by all the rules and restrictions they give you, suffer for now in dealing with the treatment provider which by the way he sounds like a complete jerk which some are but go with the flow of the game and then in less than 3 short little years it will end, then you will move on.
Regards
buildingupslow
Just a note to anyone out there, if you come across treatment providers and/or polygrapher's out there that treat you badly you need to report them. You are important and you are a person of worth and no one should be treated like Northern Town was treated. The same goes for any probation/parole officer - they need to reported also if they are not treating you fairly.
May God bless you!
When it comes to "SOs" the punishment does not (ever) seem to "fit the crime" And in your case the Talking Cure the court prescribed seems worse than the "disease" your therapist imagines she can cure....
On the brighter side...Torture by any other name? When the CIA wanted to set up It's Torture Program, They hired Psychiatrists, so what could the Families and SO's expect the system to put in place to cure people already "Labeled" once a Hannibal Lecter always a Patient in need of a "Treatment" Program?
But cheer up, as my guy keeps telling me when I go all ballistic over their highway Robbery (aka treatment) the pendulum swings both ways and even the CIA Psychiatrists were finally forced to lighten up a little!
Put your Dr's phone # and the # of the Suicide Crisis Call Center or the # to a national hotline center. Go : On line to find a Support Line Mental Health Treatment Locator( Visit online.rainn.org .and Chat anonymously and confidentially with a RAINN support specialist who is trained to help.trained to find competent help in your area. because as you know, in-experienced therapists are often just prejudiced as the courts that hire them. Anyway. Take care I'll look for your posts on Daily Strength.
As for medications, that is what the individual sessions therapist suggested to me, but I'm not one for taking any kind of medication, and worry about something that changes brain chemistry. Very leery of seritonin reuptake inhibitors, and when I recreationally tried some in my teenage years, I had some bad side effects with many of them.
I work different jobs to get by, and am active in sports, but many days, even the sports I have loved for 20 years have lost luster and I find myself just going through the motions rather than actually enjoying them. How much I hurt my girlfriend has really hit me the hardest. Before this we were talking about marriage, now everytime she sees me, she cries. It makes me feel so terrible. And yet, she still cares about me so she texts me pretty often.
I fucked things up really badly, and I know, as many of you have said, that 3 years probation is much better than many people get, but every day I think about my lifetime registration, and there comes no solace from the thoughts.
I would like to ask, before I forget again, if anyone knows how to petition to get the address dropped from Megan's Law. From what I've read, my charge doesn't require my address to be listed, but it is still listed.
Thanks again for the replies.
I'm going to give some advice, coming from someone who has been on SOISP (Sex Offender Intensive Supervised Probation) for 2 years now. I have 3 years to go.
I never had to do and jail or prison time, so I can't tell you if it would be better or worse, and I get the impression it is completely dependent upon the person. That's a choice that you will have to deal with on your own.
What I can tell you is this. It doesn't get "easier" per-say, but it does get more tolerable, and you get used to it. It's horrible to say that, and you think you won't but you will.
Let's address therapy first (treatment, call it treatment, they hate the word therapy). I attend 1 group therapy session a week, one individual session a month adding up to a total of $300 a month. On top of that, I also have to attend 2 peer groups a week. Those are non facilitated hangout sessions pretty much of 4 or more clients at this treatment facility.
Your provider is overcharging by a huge amount, but unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it. At least here in CO, we do not get a choice, we go where they tell us.
If we can't afford it, and fall too far behind, we get put on financial suspension. We still have to go to the facility, and pay $25 a week just for being there, but we don't get to attend group. If it continues and you don't get caught up, you can get kicked out of treatment. When that happens it's a violation of your probation.
But, what I have noticed, is that if you are looking for work constantly, putting effort in, then your P.O. can submit a voucher to cover some or all of the costs. They aren't out to get you, even though it seems that way.
You need to be open and honest, and just remember, everyone there is there for the same reason. We are all sex offenders. Doesn't matter what our offense was (mine was the same as yours) or if it was accidental or purposeful. Don't minimize your offense by saying it was victimless, or that it was hands free or anything like that, they hate that a ton. Nobody there is going to judge you.
About polygraphs........ They have been proven to be 70% accurate ate best by multiple science research facilities. But it is treatments only tool to try and regain trust with you.
You will fail some questions, even if there was no way you were lying, it's the nature of the beast. What they are looking for is how you react to it. Say you fail the question of "Have you been alone with a minor since you started probation?". Go in after you failed, talk with treatment and tell them something like this:
"I haven't really been alone with a minor, but when I was shopping at my approved time/location, I was in an aisle by myself and a minor entered the other end of the aisle. There was no physical or verbal contact and I removed myself from the situation. When they asked me that question that's what popped into my head"
Even if it's true or not, say stuff along those lines - it's not breaking rules, it's actually doing what you are supposed to do, but it shows the treatment team you are being aware and being open with them. When you go back to the polygrapher to clear up the question, tell them too - it comes across as honest and open, which is a huge part of the polygraph - what they think of you. What the machine is reading is only 1/2 of the poly.
You aren't being honest when it comes to that bit of advice, but in my eyes, a polygraph is a scam to begin with, and fraudulent anyways, so deal with it as best you can.
Here if we fail a polygraph we have to do a 6 week class that costs an extra $120 to go over these exact things.
One last thing about the polygraphs - you HAVE to take them. No matter what, it's a condition of probation for sex offenders everywhere now. Get used to the idea of taking them, just "give up" fighting it, and you will be much calmer and pass more of them as you do this. It took me a year to figure that bit out for myself, and it's been much better since.
As far as lifetime registry? I know here in CO, if your crime wasn't violent (like ours) you can petition to be off the registry 10 years after you are done with probation. And as far as I can tell - as long as you haven't reoffended in any way whatsoever (any crime, not just sex offenses) it is a pretty simple process that gets approved. Do some research for your state laws on that matter, or talk to an attorney.