Families of SOs Community Group
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Two weeks after I moved in with the man of my dreams, he was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl. I packed up to leave. But he begged me to stay, convincing me that it happened while he was at his lowest point - going through a divorce and closing down his business. I later found it was a 2 year affair WHILE he was married, which resulted in the divorce and loss of business. He insisted she was 16. I later found she was 15. Still, like a fool, I committed to stay for the long haul. I saw him through his trial when everyone else walked away. I defended him, even when another 14 year old came forward. Because of this, he took a plea. I saw him through County, Assessment, 4 years of prison and one beating. I wrote him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I never missed a visit - NEVER - not for a holiday or weekend - not even when he was 2 1/2 hours away. I kept plenty of money on his books AT ALL TIMES. I took an extra job to keep things going even though he left me many thousands to live on, because I didn't want him to come home and have to start over. I loved this man dearly with all of my being. I stayed faithful to him for 4 years. I made many sacrifices. He was so afraid, in the beginning, that I'd leave, that he would call at random times of the night to make sure I was home. (Yes, I also kept enough money on the phone for him to call anytime he wanted. He called EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes three to four times.) I had it so bad for him that no one ever even looked good to me for 4 years. All I wanted was to please him and have him be happy when he came home. I paid for several appeals and agonized every time we lost. I think I cried myself to sleep every night he was gone. I tried to wish away all holidays. I breathed only for the day he would come home.
That day came 2 months ago. I made sure our beautiful home was perfect. I bought new lingerie. I got a sitter for a week. I bought champagne.
It's been a great 2 months. Not exactly the bliss I'd pictured. He was anxious to start life and got right to work in the businesses we own. But life has been beautiful.
Then we took a downhill turn.
I have a daughter who turned 12 two weeks after he got home. She was 6 when we got together. She's always been shy and very reserved around him. She visited him with me many times at the prison. When he hugged her, she would clam up and never hug back. He told me he wanted to win her over because he lost his adult girls when this all happened. (They want nothing to do with him and even dropped his name.) I suddenly noticed her wanting to give him back rubs, wanting to sit next to him, wanting to go everywhere with him. I loved that he had a daughter again and that she'd found someone to embrace. Then I started noticing him quickly removing his arm from around her when I walked in the room. I found him rubbing her leg. I heard him ask if she'd like a back rub now. I saw how he looked at her in her bathing suit. And the biggie was that my normally very MODEST daughter was now fine running around in spaghetti straps with her tiny little boobs showing. Now, the final straw. I walked into my kitchen Monday to find them looking out the window. His arm was around her waist. When I walked in, he quickly removed it. I demanded talks. She insists he's never done anything but hug her. But she also denied his hand ever being around her waist. He admitted to moving his arm quickly 4 times when I walked in but "only because" he didn't want me to "think something was going on." He insists they were only fatherly hugs. But why would he quickly jerk away if it was all innocent? He told me he loves me and won't do anything to hurt our relationship. But then later he said he won't live with someone who can't trust him. He says I listened to all the people while he was gone and now I let my imagination run wild.
I want my daughter to continue with the precious, innocent life she's had. I will do ANYTHING to protect her. I'm leaning towards leaving him. But I have invested so much in our relationship. And I am truly all this man has. If I hadn't stayed, he would've lost everything. Instead, he came home to a warm, forgiving, loving family. MY church welcomed him in. I added about $50,000 to his account while he was gone. It's only been 2 months. Everyone saw 4 years of tears and would wonder why I would throw in the towel so quickly. But I can't even take a chance with my daughter.
I've been a fool for 5 years now. Do I go on being his fool?
That day came 2 months ago. I made sure our beautiful home was perfect. I bought new lingerie. I got a sitter for a week. I bought champagne.
It's been a great 2 months. Not exactly the bliss I'd pictured. He was anxious to start life and got right to work in the businesses we own. But life has been beautiful.
Then we took a downhill turn.
I have a daughter who turned 12 two weeks after he got home. She was 6 when we got together. She's always been shy and very reserved around him. She visited him with me many times at the prison. When he hugged her, she would clam up and never hug back. He told me he wanted to win her over because he lost his adult girls when this all happened. (They want nothing to do with him and even dropped his name.) I suddenly noticed her wanting to give him back rubs, wanting to sit next to him, wanting to go everywhere with him. I loved that he had a daughter again and that she'd found someone to embrace. Then I started noticing him quickly removing his arm from around her when I walked in the room. I found him rubbing her leg. I heard him ask if she'd like a back rub now. I saw how he looked at her in her bathing suit. And the biggie was that my normally very MODEST daughter was now fine running around in spaghetti straps with her tiny little boobs showing. Now, the final straw. I walked into my kitchen Monday to find them looking out the window. His arm was around her waist. When I walked in, he quickly removed it. I demanded talks. She insists he's never done anything but hug her. But she also denied his hand ever being around her waist. He admitted to moving his arm quickly 4 times when I walked in but "only because" he didn't want me to "think something was going on." He insists they were only fatherly hugs. But why would he quickly jerk away if it was all innocent? He told me he loves me and won't do anything to hurt our relationship. But then later he said he won't live with someone who can't trust him. He says I listened to all the people while he was gone and now I let my imagination run wild.
I want my daughter to continue with the precious, innocent life she's had. I will do ANYTHING to protect her. I'm leaning towards leaving him. But I have invested so much in our relationship. And I am truly all this man has. If I hadn't stayed, he would've lost everything. Instead, he came home to a warm, forgiving, loving family. MY church welcomed him in. I added about $50,000 to his account while he was gone. It's only been 2 months. Everyone saw 4 years of tears and would wonder why I would throw in the towel so quickly. But I can't even take a chance with my daughter.
I've been a fool for 5 years now. Do I go on being his fool?
If he wasn't an SO would you be this suspicious of someone else with no SO status?
When he lied to you about the age of his victim before his conviction, had he had any treatment? Before treatment minimizing the offense is common and expected.
The jerking away to me can mean two things... Like you said, it is suspicious. But also the alternative is that it is drilled in to them that they are now on the 'radar' and being around anyone under the age of 18 is considered suspicious, so that kind of behavior could be explained like that too. Especially if he has had treatment, some of that can be pretty brutal from what I hear. I know my husband doesn't even like to be around children much anymore at all... easier.
I do not believe you are being 'his fool', you sound as though you are a good person, willing to look forward and looking for a bright future. Your daughter is 12, and it sounds like you have a good relationship with her. Have you discussed at length his conviction with her? Have you discussed sexuality and things with her as well? The more open you are about it the more willing she'll be to talk to you if there is something that is 'going on'. If nothing else you will educate her about him and things that she needs to be aware of.
In the end you need to do what is right for you and yours with the information that you have there in front of you. I can understand his paranoia, he knows that it takes only an accusation regardless if anything has happened for his whole world to be turned inside out again. Do you believe he would do something to rock the boat?
I know a lot of questions... not so much for our information but more to help you think things through for your own benefit. Hang in there... communication is key.
I understand why you are suspicious. Only you know him - only you can make the decision on what is best for you and your daughter (however, I'm surprised he can live with a child that isn't his biologically, and surprised she was able to have a contact visit).
In my eyes, this is classic grooming behavior, has he completed sex offender therapy?? It doesn't seem like he has based on your post. I have completed therapy and I will tell you, I would never EVER leave myself alone with a young girl like that, again one false claim and my life is over.
If you are going to stay with him there needs to be clear ground rules that he will not be alone with your daughter. They will not be giving each other back massages and hugging like they were. He needs a safety plan in place and he needs to finish therapy. If he says you don't trust him for mandating the above rules, don't look back, kick him out. Your daughter is your top priority.
Have you talked to his adult daughters? Is there a reason other than his conviction they don't want to talk to him?
Again though, only you can determine that since you are there.
In the end only you can work out what is best.