The more that I read and talk to people the more that my apprehension grows. My fiance will be released in the next month and I have been searching for a place for him to live because of a protective order that was brought by the state on our children at the time of his CP offense as well as the proximity of my brand new house to school "property."

I have a good lead on a place for him but the deposit will be high and I already worry about money. I get frustrated because I feel like sometimes people that know about my situation are more matter of fact than I am myself. It was strange, a co-worker of mine, who knows about our situation just so happened to know a lawyer who was also on the registry that just so happens to know some guys that have property to rent. It was like God knew what we needed and provided. You might say to me why, then are you upset when things seem to be going your way. My only answer is that I feel this anxiety about his release that I did not really have to deal with for the last two years. Suddenly, things are about to change, and I am worried that my resolve will not be enough.

I think about how I feel when I go over the types of content he was looking at online. I think how is anyone ever going to be fair to us when I cannot even think about it without revulsion. What can I say to my neighbors when they find out. Please trust me he will not be a threat to your kids? How can I ask someone that when I myself in my darkest hours say the same thing. When I think things like am I blind became I love him. I have always considered myself a strong person but his release is causing me to have anxiety beyond anything I have ever experienced. Two years of solitude and isolation are coming to end with a whole new avalanche of problems.

I love him so much but what if I am not strong enough for this. I am fierce when it comes to my children and will not allow this to hurt them the way it is hurting me. He has little support from his family and he already feels down and that he has ruined our lives for being stupid. In some ways he has. Our lives will never be the same because of this situation. I am his rock but who can help me when I have to be strong for everyone else. It is that very perception that has everyone thinking I am super woman when in fact I am a mess but nobody can see it. He tells me I should be glad because I can always walk away and he has to go on living this life. I ask you out there as wives, husbands, sisters, and mothers how do you walk away from your heart? How do you stay and find the strength you need to endure? The walls are so high. My shoulders squared and my chin up everyday but I am crying inside and nobody sees how many cracks there are in the wall.