Stressed....I wish I had words of wisdom for you - I do not. I have a son in prison but he did not have kids so completely different story than yours. BUT we all go through similar feelings everyday. I can hear the anguish in your voice coming through this posting. I believe you still love your husband as I love my son very much, even though I don't love the crime he committed. I am glad you are getting help and in time will make a decision what you need to do best for you and your girls. I am sure someone in the same position will respond to this post to support you.

I'd say hit the pause button...for about a year. Use the time to re-group and then at the end of that time re-assess the situation at that time. If you want marriage to be "forever" then using a year to good advantage only ensures the foundations won't crack and bring the house down...again.

If you and your husband get back together, does than mean he gets physical access not only to you but to your daughter as well? The betrayals in Child Sexual Abuse aren't the same as committing adultery with someone who was presumably a "consenting adult" living outside your home. He may have eluded prosecution because your daughter chose to say "she didn't remember" details of "fondling." Sounds like fondling went pretty far and for how long? . Much as we wish to, I don't think you can just reset the clock and pretend things are OK. "Love" does not automatically "solve" these problems just because you feel alone, vulnerable, stressed to the max and you are remembering how much you loved him back before all this.He took advantage of that to "fondle" your own daughter. He needs to change enough so he is not longer the sort of person who takes advantage of others for sake of satisfying his own risky sexual needs.
And don't forget, he needs to do the work too for his own protection or else he too will possibly still be in danger of a repeat performance and the next time (whether with your daughter or in another family) he might not be as lucky as he was this time. So waiting and working separately for a year is in his best interest too. So if you and he love each other, I'd say wait and find courage to change and then re-assess.

It sounds to me like your therapist is pushing her own agenda rather than supporting you in understand all the personal factors which led to this. Divorce does not actually solve these problems. People divorce and decide to live together because they "need" each other. That is not really love, it's need/weakness etc.

Is your daughter in therapy? Is it possible for you and your daughter to get into therapy that helps the two of you build a stronger relationship? And what therapy, what changes has your husband made in understanding his own needs that led to his part in all this? Just avoiding "prosecution" doesn't mean he can just set the clock back, paper over the personal reasons he was moved to fondle his/your daughter and use his position/power inside his family to take advantage of people he should have been focused upon parenting and protecting. Is he using your son to pressure you / your daughter into giving him a pass on what he did?

I'd say don't make ANY of these big decisions right now. Stop the clock. Don't try to turn back the clock. Don't get a divorce.Don't reject him or accept him back on his terms because you need him. These are all long term decisions that you and your family will be living with for years. So just Take that pressure off yourself. Take a deep breath. Know that you (and he) will be making better decisions a year from now. I'd say give yourself a year to get back on your own two feet, change your therapist. Help your daughter. Be sure to Include your son in the process.

Expect your husband to do the same during the "pause year" if he still hopes to get back together with you. He needs the time to understand his own motives and , yes, time to change. If he doesn't like it, if he only wants a wife who is vulnerable because she feels overwhelmed and needs him no matter what...if he tells you " either now or never," if he doesn't want to wait, doesn't want to do the really hard work and decides to go find some one else, Better he does that now (or in the pause year) than after you have taken him back and gotten re-betrayed, If he goes away, at least the person he finds won't be his child.
Expect him to do his work just like you are working on painful things.

Anyway, I'd say, wait a year and at the end of the year re-assess and decide what's right for you and your kids (and hopefully your family) from a position of strength. Hey, buy yourself a box of chocolate, sit down and give yourself the gift of a deep breath.

There's a book about how to reframe and make good decisions for yourself (written by a woman whose husband "fondled") Taking charge when you're not in Control, a practical approach to getting what you want out of life by Patricia Wiklund PhD (she also wrote a book Sleeping with a Stranger which is pretty good)
Take care and come back to daily Strength as DEBBIE0403 says "I am sure someone in the same position will respond to this post to support you." Take care.

Stressed, you are wise going for counseling and if you are not comfortable with one counselor, find another one. I ditto what Janet says, do not rush into anything. Give yourself time to think straight and deal with all your emotions. We can love the sinner but hate the sin. You are still grieving the husband you thought you knew so your feelings are normal. I wish you could find one friend/family member who you could confide in that would not judge. I don't know why you think your family would blame you. You did nothing wrong. We cannot control the behavior of other adults. If you could find someone to talk to besides a therapist, that would really help, but they are hard to find. My one friend has been a lifesaver since she'll listen without judging. I owe her big time.

I would concentrate on all your daughters' healing and feelings for now. Your husband has a lot of work to do and that will take time. He may or may not ever regain your trust, but time will tell. In the meantime, you have to work on yourself and your children so they feel safe and protected by mom. That will mean a lot to them, knowing that mom believed them and did everything she could to protect them. Some children "take one for the team" and don't want to disclose everything that happened to them in fear of breaking the family apart, hurting mom and dad whom they love, blaming themselves for what happened, etc., etc. She said "Could no longer remember the details" which may be her/their way of avoiding dealing with what happened to her/them. This will hopefully come out in therapy and the goal is for them to heal and live happy, normal lives.

Also, realize that there are others in your family who love you so maybe reaching out to one of them would help you so you won't feel so all alone. This is not an easy road to travel alone. We are all here in the meantime. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Stressedmom,

You have gotten a lot of good feedback from Janet and Peace. I don't have much to add but do want to say that having time away from your husband is probably a good idea.Focus on yourself and your children so that you all can get healthy. And so he hopefully does his part to get healthy as well. My boyfriend wasn't healthy emotionally at all and we ended things a few years back and now we are going to work on things again. I am hoping he is willing this time around to get the help he needs to get healthy and not just say he will. Actions speak louder than words. I feel that he is wanting to really try this time around, but time will tell if he will or not.

If you ever need a listening ear or to vent just send me a private message on here. {{hugs}}

Stressed, I am wife and mother of the abuser and survivor. I've had many who didn't understand why I choose to stay. I had one counselor treat me for co-dependency, and always felt worse leaving their office than better. Everyone thought our children, our daughter-the survivor especially, would be hurt more and hate me, if I continued to stay. When I expressed that wasn't the case, our children just wanted Dad to get help, but still wanted him to be in our lives and our marriage intact, the nay Sayers said, "they say that, because that's what you want. They don't want him there, why would they?!"

None of the those people EVER spoke to my children. They were the ones pushing their wants onto them, when I was always checking with all of them to find out what their own wishes were. My daughter has healed from her abuse. Her counselor even agreed she had healed, and was supportive of her in her wish to mend the broken trust. The counselor commended me for the way I supported her through all of this, our daughter knew that she could trust me, and I was her advocate.

I needed this place when I first found it. I felt so alone, misunderstood, and felt like I was an enigma. Here I found no judgement, knew I wasn't alone and found friends. I have found strength, I hold my head up high. If people don't want to be my friend because of what happened, then I don't want them in my life either.

I hope you find what you need here.