Families of SOs Community Group
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I am new here. Here is my story.
I found out on 6/30/14 that my husband had been fondling my daughter for several years, the last time was 3 years prior. I kicked him out the same day. I had nowhere to turn. I do not have a supportive family, they still do not know anything. I did not report it until 5 days later, when the counselor I contacted told me I had to. I called CPS, who informed me that I had to call the police or I could have the children taken away. So I called the police. My husband was arrested. I panicked. I did not want him arrested. I only wanted help for all of us. His family (my only support system) begged me to get him out. I hired a lawyer for him (weird, right?!). The lawyer informed me that if my daughter told the DA that she could no longer remember the details, that the case would be dismissed. So that is what she did. He was released.
I found out this past year that he also fondled my other daughter 3 years prior. We are all in counseling separately. He does not have contact with either of my girls. He sees my son, initially with my supervision, then in public places only, now alone. He never touched my son and I have to trust that he never will.
I feel very alone. As soon as the case was dismissed, the CPS case against me (yes, there was still a case against me!) was dismissed also and I was offered no help. I have no direction as to what to do next. I am making all the rules. He does whatever I ask.
I have not started divorce proceedings. My codependency is very strong. I feel that I cannot give up on him. And yet I cannot ever have him in the house again. My girls need to feel safe and loved and protected.
I have one friend who knows what is going on with me. To protect my daughters' privacy, I feel that I cannot tell anyone else. My counselor is wonderful, but she is a paid confidante.
Every SINGLE day I worry that I made the wrong decisions all through this. I worry so much how this is affecting the kids for the rest of their lives.
I found out on 6/30/14 that my husband had been fondling my daughter for several years, the last time was 3 years prior. I kicked him out the same day. I had nowhere to turn. I do not have a supportive family, they still do not know anything. I did not report it until 5 days later, when the counselor I contacted told me I had to. I called CPS, who informed me that I had to call the police or I could have the children taken away. So I called the police. My husband was arrested. I panicked. I did not want him arrested. I only wanted help for all of us. His family (my only support system) begged me to get him out. I hired a lawyer for him (weird, right?!). The lawyer informed me that if my daughter told the DA that she could no longer remember the details, that the case would be dismissed. So that is what she did. He was released.
I found out this past year that he also fondled my other daughter 3 years prior. We are all in counseling separately. He does not have contact with either of my girls. He sees my son, initially with my supervision, then in public places only, now alone. He never touched my son and I have to trust that he never will.
I feel very alone. As soon as the case was dismissed, the CPS case against me (yes, there was still a case against me!) was dismissed also and I was offered no help. I have no direction as to what to do next. I am making all the rules. He does whatever I ask.
I have not started divorce proceedings. My codependency is very strong. I feel that I cannot give up on him. And yet I cannot ever have him in the house again. My girls need to feel safe and loved and protected.
I have one friend who knows what is going on with me. To protect my daughters' privacy, I feel that I cannot tell anyone else. My counselor is wonderful, but she is a paid confidante.
Every SINGLE day I worry that I made the wrong decisions all through this. I worry so much how this is affecting the kids for the rest of their lives.
My situation is very different, in that my husband was falsely accused in a he said/she said, Hatfield's/McCoys type family feud. We went to court, he got a hung jury and he ended up taking a plea to something he didn't do.
However, I am a survivor of Childhood sexual abuse. And I will say this, that I'm a firm believer in the idea of forgiveness. That doesn't mean condoning or forgetting, or letting your guard down, but your Husband is going to need support in order to succeed in not reoffending.
I just wish society would understand this
Your husband needs to thank God profusely that he did not go to prison or have to register as a s ex offender. I mean that. He truly TRULY does not know how blessed he is.
Good for you that you separated your husband from the potential for further abuse. That act alone should comfort you beyond belief. The fact that he still has contact with his son, the only advice I would offer is continue to ask your son if his dad is above board. In other words has acted inappropriately with him. It is also important to teach your son about telling lies in order to get false revenge. I don't know how old your son is, but its not important because I am sure that you know for the most part how to counsel your son based on his age. What I want to say is if say one day your son is mad at his dad for some reason or another (e.g. if he knows what happened to his sisters) and he all of a sudden starts to make up a story in order for his dad to get in trouble is not okay. It would be the same if someone at school said that he did something wrong but he didn't do anything wrong to begin with.
The fact that you have a non-supportive family doesn't help. After my release I did have help but it was limited to emotional support over the phone. So I can certainly, and only in part, know what it feels like to not have the support you need and the feelings of being alone are huge.
As far as CPS is concerned I would imagine that the reason they kept the case or a case at all is because they have to when a report first comes in, and they were watching to see what you were going to do. Frequently and often a boyfriend or husband would have used the same manipulation and abuse tactics in domestic abuse like, "If anyone finds out nobody is going to want you." kind of thing, and if the other half is weak then it would never get reported. I am sure that CPS comes from that angle a lot.
As far as the direction you need to go, it is safe to say that you cannot necessarily make tomorrow's decisions today. Remember to take things a day at a time and based on what's going on at the moment. It is easy to "What if.." yourself too much.
It is okay that you are making all the rules now. He lost that right when he decided to do what he did. Careful consideration needs to be exercised in the fact that right now you don't know anything from a rock being on the ground whether your husband is doing whatever you ask only to gain your trust so that he can go back to continuing the abuse. Only you know your husband and what he is capable of. There is no shame if you decide that he can never have contact with your daughters again. It will be important to teach your daughters too that once they turn 18 they have an incredible decision before them on if they even want contact with their dad ever again either. If it's not already happening your daughters need counseling for the now, and also they need guidance on what kind of decision they are going to make regarding their dad once they become of age.
Regarding divorce. Only you can make that decision and nobody can force you. Only you know what is best. I cannot imagine the decision you have before you. You feel like you want to stay with him regarding the "Better for worse" part of your marriage vows but at the same time you don't know if you can trust that based on what has happened. If you feel that you have codependency issues, this is something that needs to be worked out with a counselor before you make the decision about divorce. There is nothing wrong with staying separated for however long it takes in order for you to be able to make this decision. Even if it takes years. If he truly loves you, he will wait.
You said that you feel like you have made wrong decisions. I am saying you did everything correctly from what I have read in your post. So take a deep breath for a moment... k?
It is a valid worry moment of just how much this whole thing is affecting the kids for the rest of their life. It's safe to say it's already happened. However, this is where the healing begins. This is why a counselor is needed to help solidify the fact that it is valid to say that this whole situation should have never happened to begin with, and that there is healing to be had. It might take days... weeks... or even years. But no matter how long it takes, that is just a fact of life. You cannot rush anything.
Again my thoughts and prayers are with you and please... if you need any more support there are many of us here that would be happy to step in and be there for ya...k?
God bless you,
Steps
My counselor is great, I think, but I've never been in counseling before so I don't have any comparison. She thinks I need to divorce him when I'm ready and that is her goal- to get me ready. We are working on the codependency. Also boundaries and self esteem.
My daughters are 19 and 16. They are in counseling also. The 19 year old is in college and doesn't open up much to her counselor. She is not progressing much as a result. The 16 year old is progressing, although she has anxiety issues and is a cutter.
My son is 11. He had a brief period in counseling also. He loves getting guy time with his dad. He knows what happened and it was weird for him to see his dad after he first found out. He brings it up occasionally and we talk about it.
My husband is in counseling and AA. He quit drinking the day I kicked him out and still goes to daily meetings. He is again the man I first met, sincere and humble - not in the alcoholic fog he was in for most of our marriage. He is trying so hard to make things right - but there is no way for him to reverse his actions. He pays everyday for what he did - living by himself, seeing his son only twice a week, spending holidays alone. The girls are refusing Christmas presents from him.
I am caught in the middle. I do not have many friends. Even if I did, I don't think I would tell them about all this. My family knows I am separated but that is all. They don't care enough to ask about it. They are several states away and that is good. But that makes me very alone. Christmas is hard - I feel much pressure to make it fun and happy for the kids when I feel like crawling in bed and hiding.
With all that said, I am doing better. I am not miserable most days. I am more social than I was before. I have much better boundaries. I have faith that some day it will be ok.
This is a scary ugly thing for all who go through any type of these situations, whether it be a real situation or a false accusation or whatever.
I hope in time that your daughters will understand how hard it's been for you, and how hard you are trying. Maybe someday when they're older and wiser.
The important thing is that they're safe, and you're not telling them they HAVE to see him or do anything.