Families of SOs Community Group

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wanderlustwriter 05/19/2014

Hi...I'm new. I've been reading a lot of these posts for a couple of weeks and finally decided to join and post tonight.

I'm here mostly because I don't know where to turn any more. My boyfriend's going through the process right now on a sex charge. His next court date isn't until July; we're lucky to get to live a somewhat normal life until then, but I don't know what that date is, what's next, where this is going to go, nothing. He's told me everything that happened (it happened right when we met)...and it really just hit the fan this year (we've been dating for a year and a half).

My parents know what's going on and they're being supportive, because they know he's not *that* person, and how much I love him. My best friend has basically adopted him like a brother and is being supportive, too, but everyone else...I haven't even told them. And as supportive as family can be, they don't know what to say on nights like tonight when I'm freaking out about what's next, what could happen, etc.

Anyway, I'm really glad this group is here. Even reading some of the other posts gives me a glimmer of hope that it could eventually be OK again.

Peekachu 05/19/2014

First of all, welcome to the group. We are glad you are here.

The "sex offender" world is a life changing experience. At first, it seems horrible and freaky. In many ways, it is. I'm sure you are aware of that from reading the posts.

Ultimately, it becomes an experience of learning to accept that we have very little control over anything. Being a sex offender in this culture is a constant reminder of that.

I understand the freaking out, but, really, it is a waste of energy. It makes no difference. Decisions will be made for your boyfriend, which he will have to accept. As his girlfriend, you are caught up in it simply by association.

One of the wonderful things about having a love relationship as a young adult is being able to create a life on your own terms. You can still do that, but with more restrictions than most. It's a bear to have to wait to find out what those are, isn't it? But we are glad you are here and can come to us for support.

Peek

mtbfan 05/19/2014

Hi and welcome. This is a great support group, and all of us are going through similar things. I am not sure what type of "sex charge" you boyfriend has, but believe me when I say they give out that "label" too easily. It sounds like he is out on bail at least. Do you have a good lawyer who keeps postponing the hearings? Postponing is always good since the DA will get tired of the case and offer a Plea Deal. A good support system is so important, and it sounds like you have that. The not knowing is the hardest part, but our attorney had a pretty good idea of the outcome since they usually know the DA and the judge, and they can somewhat predict what will happen or what they would like to see happening, so keep talking and bugging your attorney. I did. We got what we had hoped for and the attorney was pretty much right on the spot. Once you know what he will plea to, it will get easier. I don't believe in the label SO since I have learned so much about how broad and vague it is. Keep us posted on what is happening.

ThoughtAsWeak 05/20/2014

The unknown is very hard. You move from one court date to the next. The best thing either of you can do is to not to speak to LE about anything going forward. I don't know what he may or (hopefully) didn't say, but they (LE and DA) will twist everything either of you say. Make sure he has a really good attorney, that will help him have the best chance.

Come here as often as you need to, to vent. Just be careful not to share anything that will identify who you are.

Kittyk96 05/20/2014

The not knowing is the worst, but as you now know, you are not alone. Welcome to the group.

deleted_user 05/20/2014

Welcome to the group! I joined a little while ago and I have found this group to be very comforting and informative. It's unfortunate that we are all here because of our unique circumstances but I'm also glad that we are here to support each other. I believe that the more we support each other as a community, the more hope there is to reform the registry and ridiculous laws. Many have already said that there is no judgement here and I believe it to be true. I hope that you and your boyfriend find peace in your situation and I'll be praying for you guys!

PAdad 05/20/2014

Welcome and this is my first post ! My son was arrested for CP in Dec. We have our second pre-trial hearing next week. Laywer though we would have deal by now. The waiting is very hard. I have great faith and I pray every day. I have been clean and sober 27 years and talk with God all the time. I have been scared to post because it make it more real . I have been reading all the post since march and saying prayers too all the fine families going thru pain. I'm blessed to have good job to pay for counseling and laywer for my son.

DEBBIEO403 05/20/2014

Wanderlust & Padad, you are both at the beginning stages and I personally think they are the hardest. Not that the rest of the road is easy but a little more "settled". Whether it is your boyfriend, husband or son (as you and me Padad) it is all heart wrenching and unbelievable to go through. Come often and read, post, cry or ask questions - nothing is a stupid question! This site probably saved my sanity and maybe even my life.
PAdad, I am glad you have the financial means for your son but don't let lawyers bankrupt you - because they will. Sometimes the end result could be the same with a PD.

wanderlustwriter 05/22/2014

Thanks everyone. Not knowing what to expect is the worst part right now. :(

NicoleDavis 05/23/2014

Welcome. you have chosen the correct spot. Here you can not only VENT when needed but also ask any questions that should arise. It is really good that you do have support at home but even though your parents and friend are there for you it really kind of helps more coming from people who have been there, are headed there, or are currently there(not to knock your parents and friend)it is great that they didn't just up and dis own you like most people do when they hear the charge. This group is very knowledgeable. I'm sure once you learn more information on your boyfriend you can come back and ask all the questions you want and get the correct answers. That way once you know what your facing your mind will be more at ease.when I did not have the correct info on my husband I think I almost had a nervous breakdown and unfortunately his lawyer was NO HELP. He never returned phone calls or nothing so all I could do was cry so hard I made myself sick daily for almost 8yrs. about 1 month ago I found this group and in less than 1 month I learned more information from them then I learned from that Sorry ASS lawyer. So dont worry it will be o.k

frogpond1 05/23/2014

Right there with you! Also in the beginning stages and looking for ways to get funding for a half way decent attorney.
The unknown is agonizing and I've driven myself nuts with looking at well over 100 cases and thier outcomes. Some outcomes are harsh which is enough to scare the crap out of anybody and other outcomes are the case gets tossed which gives some small glimmer of hope.
There have been some slightly unorthodox cases where the DA, defence attorney and defender, victims family, judge all get together in a closed room and hash things out and sometimes the case gets dropped.

Keep your head up, do your research and yes there will be good days and maybe some very dark days. But come here and know there is support.

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