Families of SOs Community Group

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lifehaschanged33 07/29/2015

I have been reading posts on here for awhile and am finally ready to share. I've been looking for a non judge mental support group and I think I've finally found it here. A little over a year ago my husband was arrested for possession of cp. I came home after work to find all our electronics gone and our front door clearly broken and "repaired". My mother in law came over and told me he had been arrested but just said for downloading and that she would let him explain. To make matters more touchy at the time of his arrest I was 4 months pregnant with our daughter. He was released on bail the next day and came home to explain that he had a problem and needed help. I spent months and months in a bubble of denial about what was happening. He started therapy a few months after his arrest and we began the lengthy court process. I love my husband and chose to stay with him. I firmly believe that he is getting the help he needs. Both of his therapists say he is very low risk for repeating and do not think he is a risk to children. A few months ago he took a plea which has him on the registry for life and 3 years probation. During the 3 years he is to have no contact with minors except our daughter. I am struggling with worrying about life once she reaches school age. I am also in therapy now and he is in individual and group therapy. I am curious if their are other wives/girlfriends that could share a little about their experience working to mend the trust with thier husband. I'd also be interested in people that have a child or children and what their experience has been with school/ people finding out etc. Thanks

hurtandfearfull 07/29/2015

hugs and prayers im glad you guys are working things out and that he only received 3 yrs probation no jail time. that in its self seems to be blessing. thanks for sharing it does help knowing we are not alone. I wish i could find some in person support groups but they seem to be be very few out there and none that i can find in my area.

lifehaschanged33 07/29/2015

Thank you. I also have had a hard time finding a group to meet with in person. I guess it helps to know we are not alone.

Advocate2 07/29/2015

All I can say , because I never had to choose to stay - it was my son and there was no question of my support. But I can tell you this what these men did was a VERY human thing to do - it does not mean they have deviate sexual tendencies at all. Some that posses CP do have sexual issues (like true pedophiles) but actually it is a very small percentage of these people.

sallyblue 07/29/2015

I'd say not to worry about school yet. Both my children are at our local school and my husbands case was made VERY public. Due to living in a small town everyone knows but thankfully its the summer holidays so I don't need to fave anyone yet. It's difficult but I have found a few are really supportive. One lady told me "we all have skeletons in our closets but everyone's not as lucky not to have them exposed to the world". Its true. People may talk but I haven't came across anyone who has been offensive to my face.
As for mending trust, we are working on it. He's in prison at the moment, we were offered marriage counselling in the prison but they have transferred him somewhere where its unavailable. Its a big smudge I tell myself. We can clean it up but there will always be that wee bit of residue.

lifehaschanged33 07/29/2015

SallyBlue can I ask how old your children are and how you explained things to them? I like your analogy about the smudge. That makes so much sense to me. Feel free to pm if you'd rather not share it all to everyone. Thanks!

sallyblue 07/29/2015

My children are still young, 4 and 6. I told them as basically as I could "daddy done something naughty on the computer so he cant live here". As he's serving a short sentence they don't know he's in prison they think he's working away. At the age they're at it would cause so much stress. As they get older I will tell them more and I hope they understand. There were some people trying to get me to tell them more but I still can't get my head round it there's no way a little one could. I think a little at a time will go down easier for them.
A mistake big or small shouldn't destroy the image they have of their father. He's a good but foolish man. Sometimes good people do bad things and we just take it a bit at a time.

tsmom2012 07/29/2015

Sally you are so true about sometimes good people do bad things

ThoughtAsWeak 07/29/2015

Hubby is in prison for 30 yrs, unless we win appeal to get his sentence reduced. Hubby and I have been working on our commutation and other issues. When I ask him questions, regardless of how hard it is, or how fearful he is on how I will react to his answer. I've made it clear that as long as he is honest with me, I will stay by his side.

Through this, our marriage has gotten stronger. We still have a lot of issues that we can't address until he comes home. We plan on seeing a counselor together when he does to work out the rest of the issues we can't address right now.

Personally, I would first address your feelings of distrust. It will be difficult, but as you work on that, you can address the other problems.

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