I felt / feel the same way about taking care of my son. I wouldn't even go have my teeth worked on even though I was in pain because I didn't want to spend the money on my selfish self. BUT, a wise person pointed out to me that (after 6 months of not wanting to get out of bed and feeling the way you describe) if I don't take care of myself now, when the time comes for me to care for my son I may not be able to. (If I drink myself into oblivion and lose my house, my son won't have a home to come home to. If I let my health deteriorate and I am ill or die, who will care for him?) Now, I take care of myself, but it is for my son. Eventually it will be for me again.

Please take care of yourself so that you CAN be there for your husband when the time comes. He will need you to be strong.

Know that you are not alone, sadly there are many of us here.

This is all fairly new for me as well, I am sure others here will have more advice.

You will survive this.... He will survive this... But neither of you will if you don't take care of yourself.

I hate to say this, but you are going to need to get up out of bed and as they say "shake it off" a little bit. You should not feel guilty for doing something nice for you, a pedicure sounds lovely...

We have all worried about our spouses and loved ones that have been where your man is right now. We know what you're probably feeling right now. It sucks, it hurts and it seems like it weighs 50 tons, but it will pass too.

I am sorry to hear your home is in foreclosure, was this due to the charges and legal fees or was this a long time coming and now is just added stress on top of all of this? I have been in your shoes and was thankfully able to get myself bailed out...

Now for the reality check. Your husband isn't suffering as much as you think. Yes it is not a pleasant experience, but he is in solitary so that usually means that he is not getting harassed nearly as much as he could be. I don't know what kinds of access to other books he has, but there is usually library access/cart even in the county jails. Yes he has a lot of free time to himself for him to mull over what has all gone down and start thinking very negatively. You are going to have to be the positive wave that comes through his life now... That is why it is SO IMPORTANT for you to get out there and do something nice for YOU. Because you're going to need the strength of mind and emotion to get through this. The only way you'll be able to do that is to take care of you.

There are some on here that will be able to give you a much better idea of what he is going through in that federal facility, as they are different than state facilities.

You hang in there, you are in the right place...

I totally understand. I went through this when my son first was incarcerated. But like familycircus said I realized it is my responsibility to take care of myself. I have to so I can be here to help take care of him when he comes home. I know the problems will not end there but it would be so much worse for him if he did not have his family to be here for him. There are so many in prison with him that never have anyone call or write or put money on their books. I do not understand how people can turn against their own family but I know everyone handles this in their own way. Praying for God's help for you and your husband. Please go get the pedicure, take a shower, shampoo hair and open the curtains to your life back up. You have to go on living.

Believe it or not the shock will lessen. Right now you are in a whirlwind of where to turn and what to do next. Day by day is all you can do. You have made the first right move coming here but it is full of important information you will need and can help him. Do not talk to him on the phone or write in letters anything about the "crime". Tell him to only talk to his lawyer.
Yes, as other moms and wife's will tell you it's easier on them than the family. We have much more to deal with and face everyone. My son told me that directly.
It is now 2 years my son went away and he is my first thought every morning and my last thought before I fall asleep. That doesn't change. You will have a ton of different feelings everyday. Come here often, ask questions or just cry to us. We have/are still there.

I believe we all understand how you are feeling!! I know i have been there. On top of blaming myself for not noticing what he was doing or not being the mother that i should have been and stopped him before it came to him being in trouble. I had panic attacks, waking up in the middle of the night not being able to breathe, night upon night of not sleeping. Just like the others I was told that i had to shake it off and take care of myself first. When he gets out he will need someone to help him and to be there for him. I am better and have started going forward with my life. I have had a few scares when my son was in the hospital and i reverted back to being scared and worried. My son is fine and is dealing with things far better then i have. Hang in there. If you need someone to talk to or cry with just message me.

You have gotten some very good advice here, you have to take care of yourself so you will be able to take care of your husband. I felt very guilty when my son was first arrested, for the first few months I cried all the time. It has been 11 months, now I only cry occasionally, worry all the time, talk to my son at least twice a week, write to him every week. You will both get through this, just don't give in to the feelings of despair, get up, get on with living, tell yourself every day that it will get better and you will get through this.

I know how you feel. I was completely out of touch with the world when hubby was arrested. But you have to take care of yourself. Go see your doctor to get something for the depression. Get showered, get dressed, get out, it will do you good. You can't be there and ho support your husband if you can't take care of yourself. He will need a support system to help him through this, and you can be that for him.

Intellectually I know you are all right in your advice but emotionally my heart cant align itself. My husband is 56 and facing 15 maybe 20 maybe more in federal incarceration. I think I rationalize not doing for me because there wont be an us. He will or could spend whats left of his life locked up.....I cant find the motivation to look down the line to "when he gets out" cause it probably wont exist.....

but it's going to be you that is needed by him. you that will talk him up. you that will keep him going and you that will keep his mind and soul out of the darkness.

unless you are going to cut him off completely? it is you that that will now be the rock that he clings to.

Hon, it is not a matter of when he gets out. That is a long way off. He needs you NOW. He needs your letters, your visits (if you are close enough), the phone calls (if you guys can afford them). He needs to know you are there for him in whatever way you can. But you cannot do that if you do not take care of yourself.

It helped me a bit to find an article that was on the prison my son is currently in for Reception. I could see the cells in addition to his description of them. It helped me to have a bit of reality. No, it is not pleasant, but it is doable.

My son, when he was arrested, was in shock. We all were. It has been 2 years now. He finally was tried and sentenced. He has busied himself with bible study and seeking out others to give and receive support. He is making the best use of the time he can under the circumstances. No one else in the family will write to him, so he treasures every contact I have with him. We are states away so I cannot go see him. Even when he gets to wherever they assign him, I don't know that I will be able to afford a phone account to talk to him.

It is still hard when I think of him in there, but time does help with the adjustment.

Hon, this is hard for you. I will not pretend it will be otherwise. I am guessing that you and I are both going to have our moments when we cry over our loved ones. It is a huge loss...almost like a death, except the person is still alive.

I encourage you to allow yourself to grieve. Things have changed. The way things were is gone. Even if he were to get out tomorrow, it would never be the same. Grieve that loss. Grieve what will never be as well as what will be. Try to stay out of the "might be" or "could be" realm. That can lead to borrowing trouble and grief and fear. I found it helpful in the beginning to work on staying in one day at a time.

Do feel free to share what you are feeling. I will not tell you not to feel what you are feeling. I will only encourage you to get up and try to find one thing to work on each day...whether it is dealing with the house...or doing something to help yourself. I encourage you to be the best you that you can be in the situation so that you can also be the best support for him in his situation.

Sending you lots of hugs and passing a hanky for those precious tears.

And, hon, if you find yourself falling into a depression from which you cannot rise...please, get help. Do it for yourself and do it for him.

Deena