Once again, yet another night where I am triggered by the lies and deciet of the person I love. The intensity and severity of his addiction is so real and serious to me but it seems to be the opposite for him. Finding out about things hes lied about including the scary types of fantasies including our unborn baby makes me cringe in fear. Yet still i am trying to find a way to look at myself. How is this reflecting the fear and intensity of my own wounds. What in me feels the need to relive certain traumatic experiences through exposure to a partner who has done or wants to do the same abusive things to me and others? What is the trauma that I am relieving? My father sexualized me as a child, i can't remember the exact times. However i have had many dreams of him molesting me. Flashbacks seem so real to me but faded enough to make me think im making things up in my head. Yet here i am with someone who fantasizes about doing things with underage women. Doing things with our possible child. What does that stir up for me? As a child with my father i felt so helpless and i felt so bad for him. He was lonely. He still loved my mother even though they had been divorced since i was one. But he never dated. When he did date it was with a women who was underage. But even he dated her i remember nights sleeping in his bed him cuddling me and in the morning waking up to him praying and acting as though he felt deeply ashamed. I remember feeling confused when he told me angrily that i couldnt cuddle with him at night anymore. I seem to remember a night at some point when he cuddle me to close and i felt him. I dont think i registered anything like this as a child to really be bad i actually think i felt excited and wanted him to feel good more. I wanted to make him happy even though he was a grown man but a man that was deeply depressed. He was so very physcologically abusive to my brother and I that I remember feeling that there was never anything i could do to please him. At the same time this all was happening my mother had boyfriends in and out of the house. They would constantly have sex right in ear shot and it terrified me. But i started to feel that i was being used for there sexual excitement. "Hey the kid is home, lets be sneaky and quiet, she might even hear us so that might make the sex even better" There were times i would run to the door of the bedroom pounding on the door for them to stop. Sometimes they would other times i dont think they did. It felt so humiliating to me. Feeling like i was not worth the respect or love from my mother. Also seeing her with these boyfriends who all had alchohol problems and addictions of their own persuading her to do things that would cause me pain. I felt out of control. I felt invisible. I was violated. I feel violated now. That someone i chose to love violates me or wants to use me and lie to me for his own pleasure. I feel violated again for the underage girls that he continues to fantasize about. I feel anger for the possible teenage daughter i might have with this man who would be violated by his fantasies of her sexually. It is very real to me that as of right now i am not strong enough to leave this relationship and not sure if its even the right thing to do. Questioning myself -- since he is in recovery (although i dont feel he takes it that seriously) does that mean i should stay? Im not sure. Can i tolerate these feelings that keep getting triggered? Can i tolerate the feelings that come up thinking about leaving him? The only thing i do know that I can do for sure is focus on myself and get help. Writing out my feelings and hopefully getting into some therapy. The feminsit screams at me --- what the fuck are you doing in a relationship to a man like this? And another part of me feels where would he be if i wasnt around? Another part of me feels that if i leave the relationship without really evaluating how this all makes me feel and what it bring up for me will i just find this again in another relationship? Right now I guess these questions dont have answers but I want them. I want to find myself, know myself and work through these wounds. I dont want to repeat another relationship like this ever again if i end up leaving this one. I need to know why i attract and seem to be attracted to these kinds of relationships. Relationships with men who have problems, who have addictions, who go in and out of denial and blame. Men who are secretive and emotionally distant. Men who lie and are selfish who manipulate situations to their benefit. Why do I end up in relationships like these? Is it because I havent faced these issues I have had for so long? Is it because I want and need to relive old wounds until i figure out a way to realize it isnt my fault. That there isnt anything I can do about other people. I cant change others. Am i desperately seeking the approval of an addict? Of the depressed? That someone will show me that I am worth it. Alot of therapy is what i am going to need to sort this shit out and right now Im feeling pretty discouraged and overwhelmed. Knowing that it is going to take time and alot of help. The only thing i can do right now is make sure that i do not have a baby. And make sure that I am trying to uncover some of these reasons. Every time he hurts me. I need to love myself more. One day at a time. Eventually i will know what to do. I will have the strength to see what is right for me.