Oh hismamma you are SO not alone with this problem - I too have a son who is in federal prison for procession of child pornography and just in the last eight months or so have I been able to tell "some" of my family but the one who does not know is my mother who is also 82 years of age and lives alone. I kept this secret to myself for nearly two years when I finally broke down and told my sister who lives in Virginia - I feared she would turn her back on me completely (communication between us had been very few and far inbetween) but due to another incident that happened to me I made a call to her which open up the communication line but still at that point I had not told her - that didn't occur for another six months and once I told her I was taken by surprise she did not turn her back at all just the opposite. She is even writing to my son who she basically has had very little contact with (we live in Illinois) but was willing to open her heart to him. That helped ever so much - you don't know how much. I hadn't seen my sister in over six years and with her being willng to make contact with my son I thought it was time I take the step and put all negative matters aside and make a trip in her direction. I just returned from that trip and we did alot of "sole" talking and the subject was approached about telling my mom of her first grandson and where he was. I still don't want to do it, especially not over the phone and seeing her has been a bit of time also, she lives in California. Our mother/daughter relationship is not very tight but my sister believes she deserves to know. My thoughts go just the opposite - if I make a trip out to see her and let her know of this once I leave how will it effect her - at that age all I can think is she will see negative and her heart will indeed be broken. Do I want her to carry this burden as I do. I told my sister maybe what I'll do is tell her he is currently in such and such city and taking classes (which he is doing) leaving it as a half truth. I will also say because our relationship as mother and daughter not being what it should be the contact with her and my son has also been at a distant - that's why I don't want to tell her everything. So just as you I face the same thing. I toss and turn wondering what to do. So far I have come up with no good answer.

Well my answer is going to be different. Though I so understand your feelings of what on earth to do!

The best way is to tell you of my mothers, my sons and my story of this last three years.

First off my son went to prison over 3 yrs ago. My mother I told about one week before the trial.....the rest of the family I told after he went to prison.....for I knew some might be supportive and most would not.

My mother bless her heart contacted my son my letter all the time....had me touch the glass to send her love to him....he would take his hand out of the shackles so he could reach as close to my hand so he would be close enough to receive it. My mother was 75 years old. She gave him the desire to quit being sooooo mad at life and all that was dealt him and take responsibility for his awful judgement and work toward good behavior so they could sit together in the visitors room at a table.

That never took place....but he did after her death last Thanksgiving Day quit his meds for he had been sleeping thru his life there. Taking the strongest most unsafe drugs and she had talked with him many times about it as I did too.

The several days after her death I was sooooo worried about how he would take it....but he callled me several times a day to console ME!....How sweet is that! He wanted to be there for the funeral but because of his behavior the two and half years of anger at the whole system they said no! Would not let him come.
Which at the time I was not so happy but what took place since then has been one miracle after another!

He did not contact me for three weeks while he detoxed then they put him on new meds at less dosage and much safer drugs. He is alive and living now! Praise God! I was terrified and so was Mom she was a retired nurse.

They both helped each other to strive for more out of life. My Mother had overweight issues and started walking daily and was progressing very well looking forward to a visit with my son at a table rather my son being behind glass in a booth as he had been from the first day there.

They gave each other HOPE! Where they neither had much anymore. My mother had a doctor that ignored her same hjealth issues over and over and over....but Mom was going to fight....to see her grandson!

She died on the way to a gathering of family....a massive aneurysm in her brain....that the doctor did not take the necessary tests. But the blessings are still continuing in our lives!

Due to my sons strength and determination that he was going to live and be happy no matter where he was....my daughter has now took control over her life and left the lazy bum she had three kids with.

While she worked ungodly hours everyday supporting them all....he was supposed to be Dad and teach the three boys all they needed to know....which he did a lousy job of. Just read my journal and you will understand...I will not go into that whole thing now....but she is happy now. Left him two months ago and is doing super well.

It does not stop there though! Other family members are now supportive his cousins and several aunts and uncles whom were not very before...they left the whole thing up to Mom and me to show love for my son. And his dad and sister. Now.....we do see a big difference in alll of our lives.

My hubby and I quit smoking....doing daily workouts to be alive when he gets out in 21 and 3/4 years.

Just last month or so we found out he won his first appeal and they are resentencing him later this month. They dropped three charges and it is very possible they will only give him a small sentence left. Like under 5 yrs....in fact it is being discussed about him only serving 40 months.....we shall see.

Now that Mom is not alive many have come forward to want to do clemency letters and resentencing letters whereas before they did not.

So you see...not only does she have a right as a grandparent to know she may give him and her possibly a new reason for striving to live....and live well...though sometimes it does not end up the way we would like....there has been sooooooooooo many blessings come our way......allll thru their love for each other.

Grandparents have a way of reaching ones no one else can....even if the letters or phone calls are not much said....the love they share gives new hope and many blessings too!

I worried about telling anyone and did not for months....now I see sometimes by telling you receive many blessings that otherwise may not come our way.

So consider it seriously before not letting them know. My son shared his calls equally between me his mom and his grandmother....they talked of the Bible on many of these ocasions and she let him know she loved him dearly....which he badly needed since he had already lost his daughters and his wife due to imprisonment....Grandma gave him hope of a future that was worth being good for and letting the anger go toward all whom helped put him there in prison.

He now accepts he should have left the party in the taxi waiting instead of staying when she asked everyone if he could stay...he sees he should have never gone down the halllway to her bedroom....and never had sex with her....for he was married as she was to another. He never should have drank like he did...whether he thought he was leaving to War or not.....he should have just did differently.

He isn't even angry at his weak wife that decided to file for divorce a hour before she was supposed to leave for her flight to testify in his behalf....that he was not a rapist! Though I still have to work on forgiving them all...he is over the anger and accepting what he did do......lack of good judgment induced by alcohol.

So really think before you do not tell your mother she may be the lifeline your son needs and her lifeline to work harder at living so she can hug him again.

One last thing....we have a group...callled Parents of Prisoners that I founded in his name that I would like to invite you to join and any others here that need to talk to other parents as desperately as I did when I came here the day after his 25th birthday was when I found DS. Cking on his meds to see how horrible they were.

DS or Daily Strength Groups can help you thru this mess until there is light in the tunnel of this life!

Which there is light....me....my son are living proof of that!

We also do a Pen Pal List where parents of other inmates write the other children and it has been a terrific success in giving them hope!

Come ck it out!
Love and prayers for you, your son and your mother too!
Love Rhea

I don't have a child in prison I have my husband. It is a little different but still a loved one . I know that we made the decision to tell everyone what was going on because of the reason that he is there. I will tell you that it was a hard thing when my sister wouldn't tell her children because she was afraid they wouldn't understand. I will say that since she has finally told them it has made it easier on our kids. I think if your relationship isn't that good any way it will it really hurt to tell them. I mean look at how your sister acted. We sometimes underestimate how people will react when usually they surprise us. I will say that the people we thought would be very supportive turned their back on us and the people we didn't even know who we had made an impact in their lives were the ones that have been the most supportive. I will say that not having to hide it is easier than having to. I am very open even with the people I work with, I say let them know. You are not responsible for how they handle this you are only responsible for how you handle this. You have nothing to be ashamed of you didn't do anything wrong. hope this helps

I believe it depends on the age of the grandparents and their mental ability...My dad will be 87 this month...No way would I tell him the sadness the rest of our family is experiencing...It would definitely break his heart....He lives in a different world at 87 years old!! I would NOT go there!

Love, Barbara

You don't say what your son is in jail for and I don't know if that would make a difference. My sister and best friend were the first to know. Only a few people at work have I let in on my situation. I know that others know but they don't say anything and I don't bring it up. My mother passed away before all this but she was very close to my daughter. I would have had to tell her because she would hear from her friends or read about anyway. My mom would have been supportive I think. It would have broken her heart but she would have been there. Don't underestimate your mom and think about if she could hear from someone else. Would you want that? I will pray that you come to the right decision for you and your family. Please come visit Parents of Prisoners group too. There are many that can help and listen. Take care, sharon

You seem like a well-reasoned individual, I'm sure you will make the right choice.You have to way the possible benifits against the possible harm. S.

i'm glad i read this because my husband recently went to prison for five years. i haven't been able to tell but a few people. i felt that i was alone because i haven't told any of my family members. i guess i have a few years to work up the courage.

I just found this discussion and I wanted to explain my problem with telling my mother-in-law. This is my husband's step-mother and she is a great person. She has a set of twin girls now (age 47), a son around 56 and a son around 52. My husband is the oldest and he's 58, his sister is 56 and his brother is 49. So what I'm getting at is the combination of the two families combined used to a big group gathering for Thanksgiving and Christmas when we all used to live in San Jose, CA in the 1970's and 1980's. My mother-in-law is a person that worries about each of the "kids" and worries about all the kids children too. So everyone thought of my son as the "Golden Child," as he was never in trouble, got good grades in school, got a Degree in Business, got married to his longtime girlfriend of 7 years. Then his wife left him 3 days before their 1 yr. Anniversary (Oct. 2006). That's when I think his world started to crumble. He never wanted to admit it but he was very hurt by his wife leaving him. His wife left him for someone she works with. My son then meets this "Party Girl" (Aug. 2007) and him and her began taking Oxycontin. My profile will tell all the details about what he did that landed him in Prison. My son, Steven, is now 29 years old.
In April 2008 my father-in-law passes away. He just gave up on life after dealing with Dementia for a couple of years. This devistated my mother-in-law, of course, and it changed her in a way that she felt she could not do things for herself. She told me that she couldn't even do her own check book. She's in an Assisted Living place now in Washington state.
My son got into trouble in May 2008. It was very difficult for my husband and I to fly to Washington in June 08' for my father-in-laws memorial. Everyone there knew about our son getting into trouble except my mother-n-law.
She was always so worried about each her the kids and their children so if she knew about my son being in prison then that would devastate her and she'd worry about my husband and I and of course worry about Steven. Since we live in Las Vegas and she in Washington then we're able to keep this info. from her. I personally hate to keep this from her and she knows I'm a very honest person and used to talk to her about everything. But in my heart I know this is the best thing for her - not knowing what's really going on for now. We'll see if she gets stronger and mentally gets in a better state and then we might tell her one day. I just wanted to tell my story. I'm not sure if this might help anyone out or not. Thanks for listening. Georgia M.

I did tell my mom. She was upset, which I knew she would be. Every time I speak to her now, it's always "make sure to tell him I pray for him every day and I worry about him". I told my son the best thing he could do now is to write to her. He said he will, I sure hope he does. She doesn't know the whole story, just that he did some thing stupid and now he has to pay for it. He doesn't go to court until November, and I hope he doesn't go to prison. I'm sure he could handle it, but I'm not sure I could. The closet prison to where I live is over 4 hours drive from here.

I will be praying for your son and for your mother that they can help each other reaching out for more in life!

Love Rhea