Families of Prisoners Support Group

This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.

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hopemagnet 08/27/2013

I am hoping someone here has gone thru this and can give me some advice. (Although I wish that no one else HAD to go thru this). My kids are starting back to school next week and I am wondering if I should have them keep the fact that their dad is in prison a secret from the other kids. I know how people assume that if people are in prison that they are horrible people and I don't want my kids being picked on because of their dad. I am also afraid that they will be ashamed of their dad if they get made fun of because of this. I would hate for that to happen because of some kids at school, but you know how kids are. they are thoughtless and cruel sometimes (as are some adults who never learned to respect others feelings). I haven't really told anyone outside of my family and friends because I am a pretty private person and don't want to have to explain all about the accident and how he did not mean for any of this to happen. You all know what I mean (I hope). We are living with family in a small town and I don't know anyone and they don't know my husband or anything about our history. THANK YOU FOR ALL COMMENTS/SUGGESTIONS! NEED TO WEIGH THIS OUT AND HAVE A PLAN FOR WHAT THEY MIGHT ENCOUNTER.

ThoughtAsWeak 08/27/2013

To spare my kids of trying to explain why Dad isn't around, I have them tell others that we are currently separated. This gives the kids enough to satisfy their questions and most don't ask for info as to why. When they do, the kids say that they would rather not talk about it.

They also say that Dad lives out if town so they don't get to visit as much as they would like.

hopemagnet 08/27/2013

THOUGHT AS: thanks for the super quick response! :) That sounds like it would work. I was considering having them say he was in an accident and was somewhere trying to "get better". LOL, they say that prisoners are getting "rehabilitated" right? That way they are somewhat telling the truth but being vague. After reading what you wrote it seems like that would just open them up to more questions though. The separation thing is probably more familiar to other kids (unfortunately it happens too often) and would no doubt result in less questions. Thanks for the tip! :)

deleted_user 08/27/2013

I am currently going threw this same thing. I have 3 kids my oldest is 9 the twins are 7. They don't have to say anything if they don't to. It's a hard situation for all right now, but my kids just tell it like it is. They tell all there friends my dads in jail right now but I still love him. He made a mistake and we will be a family again soon. thats all they say. They don't go into details, they just leave it at that. If they ask or anything more my kids just say it's private or It's personal. I don't know what else to tell you. Kids are very mean and cruel. as are some of the parents who raise them, but it will teach your kids who are there true friends. I know the worry your goign threw but it will all work out, just talk to them about it. you would be surprised what may come out.

vckmag42 08/27/2013

My grand-daughter knows where her Dad is and I wonder if she will tell her teacher (if asked). She is starting Kindergarten this year. If your guy is in a different city; just say that city. No need to say in jail. I used to tell his daughter her Daddy was downtown when he was in county jail. Just keep it simple.

stacyanne1975 08/27/2013

I 100% agree, kids can be cruel and your kids did nothing wrong. separated is good or say he got a new job and is working out of town is another thought.. Kids can not comprehend that not all people in prison are bad and so I would think they would assume and take it out on your kids.
How old are your kids?? Have you asked them what they are gonna say if someone mentions their dad? I think it is good you are in a new area so this can be kept quiet. We as adults have a tough skin and can deal with this, but kids are so innocent.
I am assuming they are going to a new school, which is tough and they need to have the kids now THEM, not their situation, it is not their business or the parents of theirs that they will probably tell.

october2014 08/27/2013

My previous explanation: after he left the army his new employer moved him to florida and we're waiting to see if he's going to stay there for awhile or move on before we get married.

My current explanation: we met at a local army post, but he's in florida now, working for the federal government.

october2014 08/27/2013

Oh, wait . . . this isn't exactly an answer to your question, but it could be modified.

ihatewisconsin 08/28/2013

I guess it depends on how old your kids are. Little ones are much more apt to just say it like it is. Older ones are better at holding things in, and deciphering for themselves what they want to say.

My son has two daughters. They were 4 and 8 months when he went in. The older one eventually just told people which was against what her mama wanted. The mom was embarassed that the father of her child was in prison. The daughter handled it better than she did.

Older ones know that kids can be cruel, so they will decide for themselves who to tell or not.

hopemagnet 08/28/2013

Thanks so much for all of your input! My kids are 11, 9 and 6. I also have a four year old son who "lets it all hang out". I asked my kids today if they had thought about what they might say and my oldest says "I'll just tell them he's out of town, that way I'm not lying". So proud of her, the others agreed that that sounded like a good idea. We got here last March after our house got foreclosed on, and they had to switch schools mid year. It was tough for them, but at least the kids here did not know all of our business. At their last school (they started public last year before that were home-schooled) they were "new" too i guess but everyone in our town knew what had happened and kids were constantly asking them about it. It made them cry sometimes because my husband is disabled and almost died - It was a very emotional time for us and I had to send them to school because he needed 24 hour care after he finally got out of the hospital. The whole situation just sucks and I would love to help make it easier for them somehow. Thanks again for your help everyone!

ihatewisconsin 08/28/2013

It sounds like your kids have it figured out already. I don't think you have to worry too much about this. And kids minds wander off to new topics so fast that even if something was said, they would be on to something different in a few days. It's not like they are teenagers and full of nastiness yet.

You could try the moving and storage one we used. We said he worked for a moving and storage company. He said that because after all, they move them, and store them away, like packages.

deleted_user 10/15/2013

We told the school that his dad went to the middle East on a private contractor's job bid. Because he's on a military base, he cannot get regular email, etc. My kid then became creative and told classmates his dad was traveling the world as a spy. when asked, I told teacher it was my kid's active imagination making his dad's job sound better than it really was. He's back now and no one is the wiser.....I hope!

ihatewisconsin 10/15/2013

I think because kids are so cruel now, and so many parents are very judgmental too, it is best to use these stories. People don't need to know everything about us.

We used to tell my family he was in the Moving and Storage business. He said, They move me, and store me, so it's kind of not a lie. For a long time, they believed he worked for a moving company, going across the US in a big semi truck. We never stated that, they assumed. It is kind of how people assume everything without knowing facts. So my opinion is why do they need to know our business. We shouldn't judge people on where they are, where they work, what's happened to them in the past, or even what is happening to them. We all know how jaded the media is, and even how false some of the charges, and accusations are, so why put it out there for others to say rotten things about.?

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