My husband went to prison last week. We have been together for more than 10 years since our teens. I'm lost too. My friends have written him off as has my family but. I haven't. You will feel better after you hear from him. My husbands finally settled in a bit, todays conversation was good even though it was short. It does get easier. Promise x

Thank you, Sally. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggle too. I'm positive one minute - grateful that he's alive, that I can still speak to him, see him, etc., but the next moment I'm sobbing uncontrollably because it does feel like a death. I'm thinking you've gone through the same thing.

A lot of men think that they should say to go out, be happy, find a new life, don't wait for them. They feel guilty for leaving us, and think we would be better off without them. But it is not what they want at all. They are doing the noble thing, trying to make sure we are happy. What they don't realize is we can't be happy without them. And even though they aren't with us, seeing them in prison, talking to them daily, if possible, getting letters from them, is our new normal, and we accept it, or learn to.

I remember the day they took him to the real prison from county jail. We had been told it would be at least a couple weeks yet. So I go to see him, and the woman from the prison called me to tell me they had took him that morning. ( She wasn't supposed to call me, but we knew each other from the last time.) I just melted right there in the hall. I said What do you mean he is gone? It's not supposed to happen yet She sounded sad too, and said I am so sorry, there was a bus coming to pic someone else today, so they arranged it for him to go. I started sobbing, and hung up. Later I called her back, to apologize for hanging up so abruptly. She understood.

I sat in my car for the longest time, reeling with the reality that he was gone. Gone to a place 6 hours away. Gone in a bus that could take days to get him to where he was going because they drop people off all over the state. Days til I got to hear from him. And the place they were bringing him to was a Assessment and Evaluation prison, where they go for up to 3 months. They are in solitary 23.5 hours a day, can only call once a week. And who knew when he would get to call the first time. I knew his life of hell had begun that day as he stepped onto that bus.

I couldn't drive, I just sat there for a very long time. Then I somehow drove home and sobbed for hours. Miraculously the next day he got to call for a short time. It was hell on earth there for him. He was there over 3 months. I couldn't visit him. It was so far, and we aren't married. Only family and spouses can visit. I have been with him almost 16 years, but I am not FAMILY.

My head was pounding, my body felt numb, my heart pounded out of my chest, it seemed.

I remember those first days of when he got taken to a prison out of the county jail. They are awful, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

My heart goes out to you.

You said your friends expect you to break up with him. WHY THE HELL DO PEOPLE say stupid things like that? It's because they live in what they think is their perfect little world where it could never happen to them. Guess what people, wise up, it CAN happen to anyone.

Do not listen to them. If people persist to be negative and nasty, they are not friends. Or even family. We don't have to take it. We are grown women who love someone regardless of what's happened. It is no one's business to say things to us that hurt us. We don't do it to them.

It is hard not having the normal parts of life. You do miss those things like the texts during the day. Even their annoying traits become something you WISH would be possible.

I used to hate how he would say " Hon, make me my egg sandwiches and bring them to the bedroom" I would say MAKE IT YOURSELF, I worked all day too. Now, oh how I would love to hear his voice beckoning me in there to get me to do something for him.

I used to say who do you think you are, a KING?? He would say I AM THE KING!! In a regal type voice. Then we would laugh, and I would make his darn egg sandwiches. Now I can't even make them without crying. A box of macaroni and cheese makes me cry at times. He LOVES it.. I hate it.

But we are not new to this. He has been gone a year now, with a year to go. BUT he was in for 3.5 years, home 10 months, then back in. And had been in a few times before that. DUI's mostly.

Oh I should be used to it. But I will never be.

You do learn how to cope eventually. You will learn how to become stronger, and keep him happy in there too.

I want you to read a post angeladam put on here awhile ago, and then it popped back up on here, with more comments from people. It will describe all she went through, and how she survived. I think it's called something like Feeling like it's forever....it's not

She went through hell of many kinds, pulled herself up through it all, and got stronger, and made her life better. We all went through the 2 year process with her. Every day, every step of the way, she was on here, we all talked her through things, encouraged her, and she told us how she was doing.

In her case, she made the decision after he got out that it just wasn't going to work out with them. They had grown apart. But don't be discouraged by that. Most of us do stay with them forever.

Her and her fiance still lived together as of awhile ago, but as friends. GOOD friends. They had grown apart. Most of us don't grow apart, but we get stronger, and sometimes the men don't necessarily like the changes.

To survive this unless you are a very strong person to begin with, you have to learn to be strong, handle what is thrown at you, and fight like hell to keep sane, and healthy, and financially ok. It is hard, but we do it.

Awhile ago, I had no job, was broke. No heat, lights turned off for a few days til I got help. Then I got my act together, found a job, 3 blocks from my house, that I pretty much love. I am doing so much better now. I decided I could no longer sit home and cry. I had to fix things for ME first, and for him too. It also made him feel better knowing I was ok now, in the ways of keeping our home, and not freezing in the winter.

Keep reading posts. You will see how others get through this. We all hurt like you do. We all still are lonesome, but we have figured out a way to be " ok" some of the time.

Unfortunately, any of us here have pretty much gone thru or are going thru the same emotions!! We talk about it a lot & it lets each of us know that we are not crazy for the 'roller coaster emotions'!! We share a bond not known to others that have not been through it!!

Others will give suggestions & share their stories as well! Ask any questions, read other discussions on here, journal etc.

You will get no judgement from this group!! These people are truly the best, even when they are hurting as well!!
Hugs!!

There is another lady on here whose husband was many, many miles away. She couldn't go see him very often. He was in FL, she was in Kansas. So she packed up what she wanted to keep, got rid of the rest, left Kansas, and drove to FL. With no job, no place to live and very little money.

She was homeless for quite awhile, living out of her car, just so she could live closer to him. She got a job at a retail store, but it was only part time, couldn't afford an apartment. Still lived out of her car, but got to shower at a local church.

Eventually she found a place she could stay at, be a companion to an old lady, and still work part time until she finds a full time job.

This is what determination is. This is how strong this wonderful lady could be. We all worried about her, still do some, but she DID IT because she loved him, and wanted to be able to see him. And now she can.

Most would think she was crazy. The people who don't have someone in prison anyway. But those of us going through this can probably understand why she COULD do it.

Look up her journals. It's under the username October2014

Thank you. Your words mean SO much to me. No one else really understands. Honestly, my friends haven't actually told me to move on, but I get the feeling that that's what they feel. My question is, would the abandon their spouses so quickly? (We aren't married, but may as well be).

Anyhow, it amazes me how much we all have in common. I will check out the previous posts you suggested, ihatewisconsin. Also, the egg sandwich story really hit home. I opened the fridge and saw his soda and lost it. My dog brought me one of his socks and I lost it. Thanks for making me feel "normal" in this.

To WhatAJoke, thanks for the reassurance that there's no judgement here. I've debated telling a trusted co-worker what's going on. I'm not certain I'll go through with it though....my mind changes about things very easily right now. Just going through the motions.

I find myself asking the same about everyone thinking I should "move on", my own family think I need to leave him. I just keep telling myself it's like my love of marzipan. No one in my family likes it, anytime I eat it they are all "that's gross, you shouldn't eat it" and I carry on eating it! No matter how much they aren't keen on him it doesn't matter, he makes me happy, although this year I could have easily strangled him at times.
As for telling people, I his everything from everyone for as long as I could. Once it hit the headlines though there was nothing I could do about it. Turned out one friend I really didn't want to tell was fantastic. Support sometimes comes from the folk you least expect.