Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I am new to this. My husband got 3 yrs and I feel lost. He took care of everything for us and now I have to. We have been together 17 yrs and have 2 kids. I don't know what to do. I have not worked since 99. I feel like I lost everything.
I always tell girls/women it's great to have a partner/husband but you should be independent too so if things like this happen or in my case my DH passed, you're self sufficient! Don't give up, just start plugging in to those things I suggested. Always remember it's ok to seek help so don't be embarrassed ; you're doing what you have to do at this difficult time! Big hugs!
Not just for financial reasons but your sanity too. It will actually help in so many ways to get out there, get a job, any job and make yourself feel you are making things more manageable and better.
Yes this situation you're in is depressing, scary and very hard. But showing yourself you can find ways to survive is imperative for all of you.
And just sitting crying, letting your life get worse is the last thing you should do.
Ask for help where you can, but also ask yourself what you can do to make this a bit easier.
I can say this to you because in the 18+ years I've been with my fiance, he's went to prison four times.
At first I worked, got laid off, cried, went on unemployment, sat and went broke on that and became more depressed.
I was lucky to find DS and got lots of great advice that helped me decide how to fix my life while he was gone.
I stopped just depending on unemployment, found a job, started working on getting a degree, kept busy beyond all of that.
Yes I visited him and waited for his calls. But I also forced myself to get a life.
I spent lots of time visiting my family. I decorations our home, I did bill work, you name it, I did it.
It not only got me through the time he was gone all four times but it showed me how strong I was. It also made him feel better.
He already felt guilty for leaving me because he got in trouble. He already suffered about my financial disaster he'd caused.
So hearing what I was doing made him get through it easier.
Once he was gone eighteen months, then four years, home ten months, back in two and a half years. The last time was twenty five months. So I have experienced what you are now.
Only thing harder for you is you have kids to take care of. Mine are grown and have families of their own.in some ways that made it lonelier. I came how to an empty house.
Having kids will be what makes it harder in so many ways but will also save you from the loneliness I went through.
I had moved to another state when he started going to prison.
Having kids will force you to take action and although it will be difficult it will push you to do what's needed.
Ask for help from family and friends if that's an option to get through this.
Stay on DS. These ladies do understand.
My fiance has been home fifteen months now. It's going ok. Somehow his time away is just a blur now. Like he was never gone. Life does get back to normal. You may not think so right now, but it does. And sometimes life with them home is difficult too. Sometimes it's fine.
Good luck. I hop this made sense and helps some.
I've been on DS fifteen years.
I learned the hard way that sitting doing nothing but crying helps nothing.
I don't know how old your kids are. If young daycare will be an issue. But being a single mom for now I'm sure you could get help paying for it. If older with no daycare needed you can try to get them to help however you can.
The holidays are always rough. You can't buy him normal gifts. So I ordered things he needed from the catalogs we could get them things from.
I sent many Christmas cards. I got friends and family to send cards too, so he felt included.
I also asked his advice on what gifts to buy people. I took pictures of what I bought so he could see.
Include your husband however you can. It makes him feel a part of many aspects of your lives.
On New Year's Eve we both watched the ABC New Year's Eve show. Both watched the ball drop so in that way we were doing the same thing at the same time together. If it's all you can do "together" you can find ways.
When I had to move, I consulted with him on location, price, etc. He helped me decide where to move to.
At tax time I sent him all the forms and W2s and he did my taxes.
We tried to have him be a part of life out here.
If I was going to paint a room I would take a picture of the paint color samples. He'd help me pick the best colors.
Your hubby and you can keep him busy and feeling he's helping and a part of his life out here.
I took tons of pictures of family events I went to. He loved seeing everything I had been doing. It made him feel better.
I did get to visit on Christmas and his birthday. I bought him a Little Debbie cake from the vending machine and we made that our holiday time.
He used to make me cards for holidays and birthday s. They were beautiful and more special than ones he could buy there. And he was so proud.
I'm not sure if your husband can do crafts. Mine could
He made beautiful things we actually sold out here and in the visiting room. It helped pay my bills and gave him money for canteen.
I had to order the supplies from their catalogs but we more than made enough when we sold them to cover the cost.
Just more ideas for you.
I'm kind of a pro at having people in prison. My son was in prison for four years and jail a few times starting at 17.
At one point my son and bf were in prison at the same time. One in Minnesota, one in Wisconsin. I actually visited both regularly.
So yes I'm rather used to the whole sad routine. I'm used to the sadness but learned in time how to get through it.
My name is Wendee.
I'm not on here much anymore since he's been home. But I checked the posts and feel compelled to go some of you my ways I survived the same things you're going through. I got through it by talking with people on DS.
No one but people going through the same things will ever understand.
Friends and family may try, but unlike it's them going through it too, they just won't get it.
Some will try to be encouraging but they have no clue what it's like.
Others will condemn your guys in prison and try to get you to abandon them. They'll abandon you eventually if you don't. I lost many friends and some family because I wouldn't.
If your guy had cancer you wouldn't abandon them. If he was paralyzed you wouldn't and neither would they if it was a person they loved.
Whether they did something bad or not, you love them, you wait for them.
Only you can decide what or who you need in your life!
Mine is working 55-60 hours a week now. Or more. I'm on disability, so I don't contribute much.
He has no license so my job is being his chauffeur, maid, cook, you name it. I don't mind at all. We're a team. Always have been, always will be.
When he cries I feel his pain. When he screwed up, we both suffered. That's normal. So if someone tells you you'd be better off without him, tell yourself they're the idiot for thinking that way, for thinking they'd abandon the person they loved if they'd messed up.
Could they just walk away and forget their person if they got in trouble? If they could I wouldn't want to know them.
No one has the right to tell you how you should feel or how you should live your life!
Don't waste your time on negative people.
Don't sit and think you can fight the Justice system and get them out of prison. Been there done that. It never works.
I took Criminal Justice classes to try to understand "The System". All it told me is they do know most of the way it's run is wrong, doesn't rehabilitate, doesn't consider other options and it will never be changed.
I actually almost got my degree in Criminal Justice completed, but gave up.
It was very enlightening.
If I was younger and independently wealthy maybe I would finish and try to make a difference. But I am too old.
I am a ex hippie from the 70's. Still am at heart.
So all I can do is come on here, share my experiences, hope some help a bit for some of you.
He was open, loving and always made sure his family was well cared for when he was on the outside. We visited as often as we could and I practiced my writing skills by writing him almost daily. Some times I'd start a letter, and just keep adding new dates and notes then seal it up on Saturday and put it in the post. He liked those types of letters because they were like a window into a child's world.
My mother waited both times he was incarcerated but was never faithful. I noticed as a child and really resented it. One of her boyfriends was really wealthy and called me on the carpet one day and actually asked me who my mother should pick, him or my dad. I was like 8 or 9 at the time.
My dad made us cards and back in the day they would let us bring him baked goods. I'm in my fifties, so that was a long time ago. I know that's not possible anymore. We shopped for him every Christmas, each of the four kids bought him a gift from money we earned, we wrapped them up with pretty bows and my mother let us store them in a huge hope chest at the foot of her bed. When we got to missing him, we'd open the chest and something about holding his gifts, remembering what each one was and believing he'd one day be sitting in that very room opening them gave us such hope.
I guess what I'm saying is hold your family together with traditions that involve your incarcerated loved one. Don't judge him by his crime. Include him in family decisions. Send him pictures and let him help pick out a prom dress, special lockets for the kids for Christmas and stuff like that. Send lots of pictures of the family enjoying the holidays and have them hold up signs with special holiday messages.
Human beings need love. There are thousands of ways to show it, even to a person who can't be with you during the holidays.
@gutted, I love what you said! I send my hubz pictures/cards alot!! Especially because he's a state away, but he always knows what's going on <3