Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
No judgmental people please! This is all hard enough. On April 22nd my husband was arrested on allegations my daughters have made against him. He has a coming court date for August 31. A little back round, he is the step dad of my three older children and we have two boys together. I'm struggling with all of this because in my eyes he has been a hardworking good man and father. His boys miss him as much as I do. My father passed away when I was little, I never want my kids to not have their dad. I'm am trying to keep it together emotionally but honestly the it's getting harder to deal with it all. I have little faith in our court system. There are holes in the police statement, the stories just don't add up. One of my daughters seem to have a lot of control over the other and she is very smart. She has been home schooled for a number of years and has her own computer she bought.
Have you talked to your daughters about all of this? And more importantly have you got a good lawyer? I will tell you now your hubby isn't the first to be in this situation. Have a look on the family of sex offenders page its also a place to get support.
People are idiots if they think just because a person got arrested the charges are true. People are idiots if they don't think something like this couldn't happen to them. Did any of us en imagine it could ever happen?
I just shun those fools. I don't listen to any of their uninformed an d cruel comments. We know the person involved. We love them and support and believe in them. That's all that matters.
Yes this is going to be hard, and a harder time fighting those kinds of charges. People thrive on hearing about sex offenses and want JUSTICE whether it is right or not.
People don't understand it has become a witch hunt, to find sex offenders, even if they never did anything. People don't understand it is a just to ruin a person's life for ulterior motives at times. I know that... my fiance was convicted for that type of thing because he wouldn't sign over his paternal rights so his baby's mother could have her new husband adopt their son.
It has also become a political way for a person to win an office in the government. To be strong against sex offender's gets people elected.
Yes you fight. You sell everything if you have to, and fight. You find a good lawyer that has won many of these cases, and don't give up.
My fiance ran out of money for a good attorney, ended up with a terrible public defender that didn't give a damn, and it has ruined his life for over 20 years, and he has no contact with his son.
People don't realize even if they recant their testimony against a person they accused, that it may not get the charges dropped. The state loves to run with these cases for their own purposes and gain.
You will be sad, frustrated, angry and lonely for a long time. You have to learn to channel those angry and frustrated energies positively. Use them to get busy, make calls, talk to others on here for ideas, read everything you can on the fight against these injustices. Read up on statues they have charged against him to see if they did anything improper. You may be surprised you will find something. I did.
Read up on who are the best attorney's to have for this.
And for yourself. Give yourself time to grieve. It is a loss of the life you knew. But then get up off that couch or bed, and get busy, with things that distract you. We have all learned that is the only way to get through this. Even if it is hard to do. Get going doing something that will take time to do, that you enjoy some, and that will make a few minutes of your day better. Day by day do more things. You have to force yourself at first.
Stay in touch with him. Take all his calls no matter how expensive they are. Write to him daily. It helps both of you. Those guys cherish getting mail every day. It is the highlight of their day.
Tell him everything from what you did that day, to what the news in the area is, to you are thinking of painting your house PINK if you have to. Keep his mind feeling that he still is in that world of yours. Not just locked in prison.. Keep him involved in everything going on at home. Mine helps figure out the bills, helps me decide what mechanic to use if car breaks down, consults me what stains to use on the deck, helps me with many things. Keeping him part of that life out here is vital to his survival in there.
Send him lots of pictures. Not just family pictures, but things he would enjoy seeing. The neighbor here buys and sells cars, so I send pictures of the classic cars that my fiance would love to see.
I just keep him busy. I also sent him magazine subscriptions, and also tons of catalogs on things he likes to do. Remodeling catalogs, car parts catalogs, you name it. So many the mail lady there got ticked he got TOOOO much. HAHA
You are going to go through many emotions and we are all here to help you get through it. I have been on DS 9 years. My fiance and from time to time my son have both been in. More than I like to admit. I even stay on here when they are out.
These ladies and a few men are awesome and have much to say and contribute. We even have FUN once in awhile.
Thanks for joining us, I am sure we will all help each other.
HUGS
Love him. Think of him still as that man you love. And let him know that in every way .I know you are anyway. Don't give him a reason to worry about you. You show him that while you are sad and upset, that you are strong enough to handle what needs to be taken care of.
This last time mine went back in, I fell apart, let everything get horrible at home. I laid around depressed, and angry, and made a real mess. So he was very upset to be in there, to have caused this and now there was nothing I could do.
I had to say stop this and get busy. Focus on what needs to be done, fix what I messed up by laying around crying, and do what needs to be done. I DID!!! I got a decent job, I got caught up on most of the bills, and am ok in that regard now. It makes him feel better.
They love to hear SOME good news.
He will probably if he is in jail or prison need you to do things for him he can't. That's ok. It becomes another job. Looking up things, contacting people for him. They can't do the simplest things in there.
Doing these things gets exasperating at times. Seems endless chores from my guy. But in the end, it feels good that those few things are something I CAN do for him.
There are my thousand words "wisdom" on the subject.
Fiance has been IN at least 4 times since I knew him. Lost count. HAHA... son was in a couple times and has an alcohol problem and drives while drunk.. that escalated after the sex offense charge.
Stay strong as much as you can. Fake it for him, and sometimes if you fake it long enough, you will actually show yourself how strong you can be, and it will make you get through your days better.
Son was in for drug dealing. Yes, I have been involved in this system over FIFTEEN YEARS...
As far as me I am currently searching for a job because prior to his arrest I was a stay at home mom. I constantly have appointments with community impact. I am going to be going back to school soon online. I am also getting into biking because I need to lose weight. As far as reading up on statues, I'm not sure where to even start looking but they have charged him with four counts of sexual assault of a minor.
Check with The Innocence Project too. They may not be able to help, but maybe give some advice. And no, I wouldn't have that kind of money for a lawyer either. But if you don't think the public defender is doing anything, ask for another one.
The University of Madison, has a program where students in the law school about to graduate do some work for cases like these and other things. They are guided by professors there. They may have some advice.
Mine was not convicted of his sex crime in WI, it was MN. But every time he gets in trouble for other things, his registration time is extended here. Would not happen that way in MN. In MN once your time to register is up, it is up.
My username on here is ihatewisconsin because of the justice system here being so bad.
It's tragic that this happened, and it is so unfair. They ruin not only a good man's life, but his family too.I am sorry for what you are going through.
As far as looking up statues, just look up his charge sheet for the statute they are charging him under. Then look that up. Like, for example statute 941.313 or whatever.
Just go on the search bar and ask the question you need to know. Use key words such as In Wisconsin.... and the statute number. It should give you a list also of mandatory or minimum sentences.
We had little to no luck with public defenders until I kept on them, I looked up things and pointed things out to them. The guy was not seeing my fiance, he would promise to come and never show up. I reported him. Then he did very little. He showed up in court, didn't talk to my fiance. So when the judge asked him if he had been properly informed from the lawyer about the charges and consequences if he plead guilty, my fiance was not scared. He stood up and said NO your honor. I have not had 5 minutes with this lawyer, and I ask to speak to him now. I do not understand any
of it, and if I can't have the time to discuss it, I will ask for a continuance. HAHA he learned well from what I told him to do.
I had taken Criminal Justice classes and did a lot of research. I knew what he could and couldn't do as far as his rights go.
If you don't get enough attention from the public defender you bug them. If that don't work, you ask for another one or ask to talk to his superior.
It is important to fight, and to learn what you can and can't do. It will also make you feel a bit better that you are doing everything you possibly can. These people in the justice system think we are all too scared and too uninformed. But if you let them know you DO know some things, they will treat you and him differently. When it got too apparent they weren't going to do anything I even went right to their office. They knew I was not backing down.
Public Defenders have a big case load. They don't have the time to give it the proper attention for each person. So they just shuffle through the papers of each person as they sit in the court room. They don't even know this person. They just assume they are guilty. They do the bare minimum to get the case over with.
They are usually fighting their way through this part of their career as a stepping stone to the DA's office. They are seen talking and eating out with the " enemy", or DA. They make deals behind closed doors without the person charged. So you let them know you are watching how they perform. They get their paychecks from our tax money. They should be trying harder for each person.
Too bad if you go there too much. If they were doing there job, wouldn't have to. It's not their lives on the line.
I am sorry you have these special occasions to go through right now. They add to the sadness. Try to just look at them as another day, it will pass, and you can go on easier. I always hated Christmas, so to make it be about him being gone on it wasn't all fair. Didn't like it anyway.
You will in time learn to cope better after you know what will happen to him in court. This is the limbo time where everything is up in the air.
Don't push yourself too hard on anything. Do it as you feel you can. You can make yourself crazy over it, and he won't want that. He already feels bad you have so much to handle.
Things will come into a place of a new normal. After adapting more to the situation, it really will.
Today i had the " daunting task" of looking up how to grow out his nails after biting them for years, and yes, even look up how to treat nail fungus. A much simpler thing to deal with.
That was to show you after awhile you do find other things to think about together. You learn to deal with whatever time they have IN, and your life out here. You have to focus on that too.
Take a day off from it sometimes just to re group and pamper yourself. You deserve it.
Some may say it's not worth the cost and I won't debate that. However, it is difficult to mount a defense from within prison since privacy does not exist (by definition) in prison. Being out on bail also gives the person time to make amends if needed or set their legal life in order (power of attorney, selling a car, etc.) if needed. These things are difficult to do after the fact.
As for the attorney. I can fully appreciate the fiscal burden of both losing the family breadwinner and the extra cost of an attorney, but now is not the time to skimp. Hire the best attorney you can afford even if you have to max out HIS credit cards to do it. This is very hard to undo even if new evidence comes forward later.
As for the system, it is more trustworthy than not. Mistakes are made daily, which is no consolation but the integrity of our system is still the envy of the world.
My wife and I did foster care for over ten years. We knew of several families where allegations were made and none stuck. Don't give up hope.
I'll pray for your family today.
George