Families of Prisoners Support Group

This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.

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strongfriend
strongfriend

hi all. I'm so grateful to find a group to support me as my family goes through this experience. My best friend, who is like my brother we are so closely bound, was arrested a week ago on a felony warrant. We have been placed into a tail spin in so many ways. We are managing as we go along. But the one challenge I am having is I feel like a messenger for him. Every time we talk there is someone else to call or text with a message from my friend. It's making me feel replaceable and used. It's caused us to fight and get totally distracted for this long journey but I don't know how to cope. I would appreciate others advice on how to cope with serving as a messenger. Thanks so much for your words of wisdom

Scaredkitty
Scaredkitty
I completely understand about being the middle man. I have set a boundary with my incarcerated fiancé. If it is an emergency, I am willing to inform others and take on that role. Although everything at the beginning feels like an emergency, I had to let that expectation of myself go. Anything else, he needs to do the communicating. I am his Power of Attorney so I am responsible for taking care of his financial communication. I have agreed to that and accept the responsibilities.

The trickier part for me has been setting this boundary with his family and friends. When they ask me to pass on a message or even how is he, I always respond how much he would appreciate hearing from them. Do they need his mailing address? This seems to have worked. I have to remind myself I am not responsible for others' thoughts or actions. I have to let go of having expectations of them to follow through. It is uncomfortable. I pray a lot!
Blessings!
brandnewangel
brandnewangel
my ex used to do the same thing ie:give my information to other inmates,telling them I would pick their visitors up so we could ride together without even asking me and not one of them offer any gas money when I did it...one person he actually told them I would pick them up when they got out of prison... I finally told him I'm not his taxi service nor his secretary and I actually stopped doing it....don't feel obligated to do this for him...
LadyJay
LadyJay
I agree set limits! My fiancé occasionally will get me to send a text to tell people to put money on the phone and at first it bothered me until one day I got a text saying I didn't have money on the phone. So we talked about how often that can happen and now he only does that like once in a while. Tell him you don't mind sometimes but that you pay for y'all to talk meaning it's you're money and no one else is putting in for these messages so it needs to be limited!
eyedeekay
eyedeekay
Yes i agree with the other set limits, my boyfriend rarely ever ask me to communicate to anyone except his parents (which of course docent bother me) the problem i found was a bunch of our friends, or his friends kept messaging me asking how he was doing or how to get in contact with them. So i would ask him if he wanted to talk to them and if he did, i told them how to set up a phone account and or give them the mailing address. the funny thing is most of these people never ended up writing him or putting money on the phone. People always want information but for the most part they don't seem to care enough to actually put the time in. If its okay with your friend, just give these people the mailing address or tell them how to put money on the phone, that way the rest is up to them and you no longer are apart of it.