Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I have been seeing this absolutely wonderful, loving, patient, caring man for 6 months and on our first date he opened up to me about his DUI past. He did 5 years in prison for a DUI about 7 years ago and his wife of 25 years left him when he was in prison. Since he was out he had a very strained relationship with her and his kids and I fell head over heels in love after the first week we were together. We spent every night together the first 5 months then he lost his job, after 2 weeks found a new one. Worked for the new company for 2 weeks and on his first payday they filled bankruptcy so he didn't get paid for the time he worked. During this time he found out his father had cancer and that he was being evicted, not because of not paying the rent, I had loaned it to him, emptying out my savings! No, his landlord had not paid the house note and the house was being forclosed on! Needless to say, the stress of everything he was going through he started drinking again. When I knew he was drinking I wouldn't let him drive. That worked for a while. He finally got a new job and things were starting to kind of look up for us and he was driving home from work and had 3 beers and was pulled over. He has now been back in jail for 2 months on a parole violation. His court date is not until October 14th. I cry myself to sleep a lot. I have never known anyone that's been arrested and now I am dealing with this. It's so hard. I try to send him money for his commissary because he told me that's the only way he eats because the food is so bad!! I also put money on my phone so he can call but these things have put such a HUGE strain on me emotionally, physically and especially financially!!! I don't know what to do! I can't afford an attorney and I've lied to most of my friends and co-workers and said he was working out of town because 1. It's not their business and 2. I don't want people to judge him. I also don't want anyone to tell me I'm stupid for staying with him. I love him and he made a mistake. My heart aches for him! I have an 8 year old son who ADORES him that he has treated better than his own father ever did and who also thinks he is just out of town working. When he calls at night he talks to him and tells him he misses him. I try to stay positive when he calls but sometimes it's just too much!! I google things that I think might help him but to be honest I feel defeated and useless!! Thanks for letting me vent and get it out. Sometimes we just need someone who understands and will listen.
I studied alcoholism in college and for my CNA classes. There are things in our brain that determine who will be predisposed to addictions and who won't. If he is manic depressive/bi polar, alcoholism goes along with that too. There are so many aspects to WHY a person drinks, it is not fair for people to judge them. But they will. When you love a person like this, obviously there was a reason you fell for him, you saw the real him, and will have to decide if you can deal with everything that goes with it. I have lived through hell and back numerous times with him. I am now home with him snoring in the bedroom, and happy he is there. I think maybe this time he won't mess up again. Prison was very difficult on him this time. He did a lot of soul searching. He is trying SO hard this time, to do everything different and right. On one hand, I am so proud of him, on the other, the past memories still worry me that it will all fall apart, when he can't handle the pressures of life and fall " off the wagon". If he gets one more DUI, he would b e in prison 8 years, and we are TOOOO old for that now.
You will find that most people are going to condemn him, not want to be around him, when he is out, or you, because you are with him. And that is going to hurt, but brush it off, and get rid of the " little minded people" that are judging him and you when they aren't perfect themselves.
Mine has been home 3 weeks now, he hasn't drank, he is working 12 hours a day and going to school 6 hours a day.. not much time for any drinking or anything else. But he is on a goofy work schedule, 3 days on, 1 day off, 4 days on, 5 days off. So he isn't exhausted all of the time and we still have done many things in the short 3 weeks he has been home. We have went to street dances and listened to bands at festivals, and he has not drank at all. In fact he asked me if he acted as stupid as the drunks he was watching, when he used to drink. I said yea, sometimes MORE stupid and mean too. He said OMG I don't want to be like that again.
I will keep watching for you. I have been on DS 9 years or more. I am not on quite as much since he has been home, and since they changed it to the new format and you can't find anything on this darn new way they have it. But message me if you want, and I will try to check back once a day or so.
Remember, we love who we love and no one can tell us not to love them, or who we should love. My wonderful 86 yr old dad told me that. Remember, if you choose to stay with him, there is a reason for it, and no matter what anyone else says, go with your heart.
Mine likes to have what he wants, when he wants it. But has started to get that there are things beyond his control, and that doesn't make him a failure.
Your man has definitely had a lot of tough things to go through. But now he has you to help him get through them. It took mine a long time to admit he needed me to help. It took him a long time to see that going back to drinking every time something goes wrong is not the answer. And when on parole, or probation, they have to be so careful, because they are set up to fail in this awful justice system. The PO's aren't there to guide them and help keep them out of jail, they are there to fill the prison's up. So you have to go by the rules and then life can be better.
You are going to have some hard times, but the end result CAN be a better life. I am seeing that part now. It's been many, many years of struggling and heartaches. But he is home now, working, going to school, NOT DRINKING, and finding other ways to keep his mind occupied. And recently we went to listen to a band, at a festival. People were drinking, and he was observing them and commented how stupid they acted. It's a start.
Maybe you are just what he needs. And it will end up ok.