I have already sent you a message and a high-five. I have so many questions for you, but I'll start with one or two, ha-ha. How do think prison has changed you? My husband has a hardness about him now, that I never seen before. He used to be the most gentle, kind person anyone ever knew and he's different now. It's ok. I love him no matter what he's been through or dealt with and he doesn't really tell me much. He says he doesn't want to worry me. I know I'm rambling on, ha ha. I just have some many questions. I hope to hear from you soon..

these are not simple questions to respond to.

So, why the change? Why did I go straight after being released? The change all revolved around my daughter (Brittany). It was at the four year mark of my extended stay in the unfriendly confines of the Arizona State Prison System. I called home, my monthly call to my daughter. This was all my ex-wifes boyfriend allowed. I was seventeen hundred miles away, locked in a cage and the man was completely and utterly intimated by me. The monthly phone call home, this is when I heard my daughter refer to me as Chip, then refer to my ex-wifes boyfriend as dad. Heaven help me, Id become my father.

I dont recall how the phone call ended. When I heard my daughter refer to another man as dad it was like being gut-shot. The pain. This bolt of electricity shot through me. I saw the white light. I staggered out to the recreational field where it began to rain. Then storm. Bolts of lightening lighting up the sky like the 4th of July. Lightening cracking nearby. I looked up to the heavens, tears and rain streaming down my cheeks and I cursed God himself.

When I cursed God, immediately afterwards another bolt of lightening snapped to the right of me. is that the best you got I screamed. Then another bolt of lightening even closer. Do it. Do it I was shouting at the top of my lungs. How I wanted to die. Ok I said to him. You want to hear it. You need to hear it? I did this. Alright. I did this. This is all my creation and I want desperately to die. For four years I had been in denial about why I was in prison. I never took responsibility. I was trying to lie to the universe and God himself. But I could not lie any more. "I created this. Is that was you want to hear God? I did this and Ive no one to blame but myself.

That night I opened up my journal and wrote a letter directly to God.

Dear God,

What more do you want from me. How much more pain do you plan on inflicting upon me. how much more suffering must I endure? How much more of my blood would you like to see spilled before you are satisfied?

Chip

That night, when I went to sleep, the world changed for me. When I woke the next morning I was no longer in the same hellish prison as the day before. Id been freed. Physically I was still at North Unit in Florence Arizona behind bars but it was no longer hell. Someone turned Hell into Heaven. I felt, for the first time in my life, what pure love is. I could not stop smiling. I was free. It really is true, if you free the mind, the ass will follow.

That night, as I lay there sleeping, I had been touched by the hand of God. Life has never been the same. For months I was experiencing this incredible euphoric high that is quite literally indescribable. Better than drugs. Better than sex. It sounds so clich but I was high on G O D.

Ive worked so hard these past eight and a half years. I had to prove to myself and to my daughter that she comes from nobility, from good stock as they say. I was not going to send my daughter into the world with the baggage of having a father that is a complete failure. I know what that feels like. Its a burden. Its a curse.

The best day I have experienced since coming home from prison was the day my daughter brought six of her friends by the college I was teaching at to meet her day, the college teacher. All the hard work, all the homework, the studying, all of it paled in comparison to the joy of having my child look at me with pride.

Thanks for sharing your story, the openness and honesty was really heartfelt. That must have been an awesome feeling having your daughter look at you that way. I have 3 children and my youngest is a boy. He was 15, when his dad got locked up and he just turned 21. He hasn't spoken to his dad since he got locked up. I see the pain in him and his dad and I know it's something I can't fix. It breaks my heart, but I didn't break it, so I can't fix it. but anyway, it's nice to hear from someone on the other side and to hear how you have changed and why. It just shows what God can do for us. you turned your life around and I hope my husband does to. Thanks again, take care and God Bless...

This is wonderful! Thank you for sharing it with us. I agree, if you want somehting bad enough, you will do everything you can to achieve it not allowing anything to get in your way. There are obstacles in every situation its what we choose to do with it that makes or breaks the goal. Thank you!!! You should be very proud of yourself!

There is a book that came to me the day before my spiritual epiphany, Conversations With God by Neale Donald Walsch. If and when you read this book you will see great comparisons between Neales story and my story. Neale wrote a letter to God that was almost identical to the letter I wrote in my journal to God. After Neale wrote his letter to God, Neale began a dialog with God, just as I have.

I have given 10 to 15 copies of this book to people that were struggling. I have read the book at least 20 times and I have the book on CD as I listen to it frequently while driving. Chicago has the WORST rush hour traffic and there is nothing as nice as listening to a good book on CD while driving. In my humble opinion, the book, Conversations With God is pure Love. Pure God. This book has help me to transform my life.

If your faith and your beliefs are not serving you the way you think a faith and a belief system should serve you then I invite you to go in search of a faith and a belief system that will serve you. Maybe it is time to begin a new journey down a different path? Or, stay on the same path you are on, but start asking yourself, is this working for me?

This may sound completely crazy but I talk to God almost daily and the wonderful thing is, God talks back to me. I have established the most beautiful dialog with God. I have no dialog with any church or any religion. I have gone right to the top, I have gone directly to God with my question.

I need no church. I need no religion. I just need God. The power in my relationship with God is realized in my accomplishment these past 8.5 years. I am not simply talking the talk, I am walking the walk. I am leading by example. It is so easy for a person to claim to have faith, to say they believe in God but the proof is in the pudding. The proof is in how you lead your life. Please do not misunderstand me I still make mistakes. By no means am I done making mistakes. I am, as we all are, a work in progress. But I love my life now.

God is not in control of me but God does inspire me. I find great strength in the inspiration God gives me but I am the one in control of my life, not God. God is not my only source of inspiration. I also get inspiration from my daughter and from my friends. I have developed the most amazing friendships since coming home from prison. I value friendship now more than ever before. I have surrounded myself with friends that constantly inspire me to become more, to reach higher goals, to touch more lives, to inspire and motivate more people. The people we surround ourselves with have great influence on us.

I have always struggled to understand how and why people blame the Devil for the bad things they do and give God credit for the good things they do. What ever happened to taking responsibility for all of our actions? Lets take the credit and the blame.

I invite everyone to establish and develop a relationship directly with God.

God is waiting.

What are you waiting for?

Your testimony is awesome. I am glad to hear that you have included God in your life.

He is my all and all. Although I cannot say that church isn't important part of life - our
Christian walk because it is.

Naturally I would say this to you since I am a minister of the gospel. I want to be so close to God the creator and me his creation that I can feel the breath of God on my face. I find it is a joy in reading the Bible, praying, talking with him, preaching his word and having fellowship with other Christians having corporate worship.

I am very glad that your relationship with your daughter was restored. She sounds like a wonderful young lady with a godly proud father. Stay faithful!

i have read the replies you have gotten andi too have alot of questions. i am worried that my husband might come home as a fighter because it seems like that's all he does in prison. i also would like to know what all goes on in a prison. PLEASE email me back at blackwellgirl1@yahoo.com i would really like to hear from you and i would like to ask many questions if that's okay and we can even discuss why my husband is in prison here in Wisconsin.

Yes, there is a tremendous amount of violence in prison. My first two weeks in prison I heard, through the ventilation systems duct work, someone being beaten and raped every night. This was horrifying to hear. This is a memory forever burned into the deepest recesses of my mind. To this day I cannot help from wondering what that person did to end up in that situation? I wondered if he was a car thief? Maybe he did some armed robberies? Or perhaps he was a drug dealer. I wondered then as I do now, what crime can you commit that you deserve to be beaten and raped while in prison?

Yes, there is fighting, I was in prison for 6.5 yrs and had six fights during those years. Please believe me when I tell you I did not provoke one fight. I only fought when I, literally, had my back up against the wall. I made my time in prison much difficult than it had to be because of my feelings and attitude towards the ABs (Arian Brotherhood). I made is clear up front to the Arian Brotherhood that I had nothing more than hatred and disgust for them. I let them know I despised them and all they stood for. The ABs would come to understand I would NEVER have an association or alliance with them. They offered nothing to me that I was interested in and basically all they had to offer was protection.

It was helpful that I was 33 yrs old when I went to prison. I was not some stupid kid looking to sacrifice integrity and honor for protection. Im also big, 6 feet tall and 230 pounds. My age and size was a big help.

Because of my feelings and attitude towards the ABs I became a free agent so to speak. I had no protection from the white race in the event one of the other races decided to try and impose there will upon me. I became fair game for anyone interested in doing me harm. But I would rather have died in prison than accept an alliance/association with the Arian Brotherhood.

Prison, mans inhumanity to man, bearing witness to this changed me forever. I was given something much better than a front row seat at the mighty coliseum where gladiators went to do battle and die; I became an unwilling participant to the games. So be it. I thought back then, perhaps, the coliseum to be a fitting place to greet the end my life, but it was not to be...

you make it sound so easy.my man has been out since the summer of 2001.after spending most of his adult life in prison.He was misrepresented,misdiagnosed and fell through the cracks of the juvinile,foster system.today,he's out of the system now,but he's still in prison.he has a therapist and is on medication for many social anxieties.most people leaving the system should seek counceling before release,especially for terms longer then 10 years.change is definatly possible,i agree,i know first hand,my man has shocked alot of people too:)
We deal with discrimination on a daily basis,everywhere we go,people stare at his armor and judge him as a bad guy, immediatly.Getting people to look past the tattoos(which are quite beatiful)and talk to him before ruinning away is not so easy.I agree that anyone can do it if they really do want to "bury their guns",but it's not so easy for some.With Jesus,all things are possible

Its outstanding you man has stayed out of prison since 2001. That in itself is an accomplishment and should be praised.

Counseling is of major importance for ex-cons. counseling was important for me in healing the wounds I created with my child. I carry guilt for having left her for so many years and therapy has helped.

As for the armor and people staring at it. He should wear his armor with pride or have the tattoos removed. When I see someone sleeved out I think of a couple of things: How long was that person locked up and how will those tats look in 20 to 40 years. Its a good idea to get rid of the tattoos.

I run a successful business and there is no way I would hire someone to work for me that was sleeved out (covered with tattoos). Tatoos do not look professional and I work in the professional world.

Our actions have consequences. The end.

There will always be a consequence for wearing tattoos. When we were young we never really thought of consequences. The older you become the more consequences matter.

Also, I think referring to tattoos as armor is ridiculous. armor is a desecration of the human body. The word armor is a euphemism that unnecessarily flatters a person covered in tattoos but these are just my opinions.

I have accomplished much in my life and Jesus was NEVER part of any of my accomplishments or my failures. All things are possible when we take responsibility for our actions and take control of our life. The End.

Best of luck to you...