I don't think of them as trash. I think of mine as a wonderfully sweet, kind, caring, compassionate man with an alcohol problem.

I certainly don't judge you for loving him. I have loved mine 16 years, and he has ended up drinking, driving, ending up back in prison 4 times in those 16 years. My family hates him, my friends have been very negative. But those people never really got to know him.

They will say things like Oh you can do so much better. I hate that. If they keep being negative, THEY are the ones I got rid of.

You don't know if he would of fell apart if all those things hadn't happened, but they did, you love him, you stand by him, and that's my story too.

Mine has had many sad parts to his life. Some of us can handle those things, some can't. Men are always supposedly the stronger sex. I don't think so. Everyone has their weaknesses. People handle situations differently and it is not for anyone to judge. Especially people that don't seem to have catastrophe's happen regularly like ours have.

Sounds like you too have had your tough times. Losing your husband had to be awful too. Maybe you and this guy you love were meant to be together. I gave up on trying to wish I didn't love mine so I could have a better life. I DO love him. So I guess that makes it impossible to turn my back on him.

We don't know why we love the people we do. I feel the two of us were destined to meet for some reason. Maybe it was to be there for him because he really has no one else in the world. No family, not any good friends. His life has been in and out of prison, people belittling him, and I see the good in him. He makes it hard at times, but even when I tried to " move on".. my heart and head just didn't stop loving him.

I hate when they get in trouble and go to jail or prison, they lose their identity and are called " inmate".. in there they aren't even called their first names. He IS a person, he is a decent person with alcohol problems. He is bi polar, and the pills make him feel weird, groggy and sick, so when life gets tough, although he may try to fight the urges, drinking is his solution. Then he hates himself for doing it, has tried suicide a few times, but thank god survived. I actually saved him right before he lunged a knife in his throat a couple years ago.

Someone has to see these people are worth caring about, worth fighting for or why would they fight to succeed and beat their issues?

It is going to be a tough road for you. Maybe a long one. But could you forget him and move on? You didn't even forget him when you did move on and get married. It is sad your husband died, but not terrible you went back to the love of your life. HANG IN THERE!

And this IS the best place to be. I found DS over 9 years ago. No one else was supportive. No place was available for face to face meetings to support me and help me. Therapists will just tell you to get rid of them. They aren't a bag of trash that you throw out. They are human's. Human's make mistakes. Some more than others.

Your man is your treasure, as mine is.

As far as you loving two men then, that is not that unusual. I bet there are many people that do try to " move on", and do find a person they can love and have a good life, but in their head that other person will always be there.

Mine just called and I am always so happy to hear his voice, even if we don't have that much to talk about. He is mine. I love him and damn the people that say anything about that. RIGHT???

We wont judge you at all to me that would be pointless and a wast of time.
iam sorry you lost your hubby but at the same time iam glad you found your love again and are talking to him.
hang in there this is a good place and we all help each other any way we can.

Oh my gosh thanks guys you made my night! I'm glad I did find this group now :)

my daughter in law got a lot of heat from her family for not leaving my son when he was arrested but you know, she is a stronger woman for supporting him through this, and it is their life to live. If ya'll are happy with each other....I say you should go for it lol.

Janie1975, you said that right.
danshoney, I am glad you found this too. It sure helped me, so I figure I do what I can to help others. New people are especially in need of some comforting words, ideas, and yes some advice. I am glad this seemed to help you a bit too.

It does make us stronger, going through this. You do see what you can do, what you can make of your life, and how you can get him through it too. That being said, it doesn 't mean that you still won't be sad, or mad, or frustrated much of the time. But you will find ways to deal with it. And if you aren't doing terrible all the time it will help him feel better too. He feels bad enough for being in there, and leaving you to go it alone til he is out. So anytime you do something fun, or good, or something happens that can perk him up, tell him.

He may get grumpy, he will be depressed at times. OMG I sure would be living like that. You will go through many emotions, both of you. But if your love is strong enough, this will make it even better. You will grow together. He will see what a special woman you are to defend him, wait for him, love him and care so much about his every breath. Who else can he says loves him that completely?

Mine starts out our day by calling as soon as he can use the phone. It don't matter what we talk about, as long as I hear his voice, and I guess it means the same to him too.

I have slacked off writing because we talk so many times a day. But letters are so important to them too. And send him photos of anything and everything he would enjoy. Keep him informed about people he knows, what's going on in your life, things that happen where he lived, etc. Mine loves that I need his advice on things such as how to get things fixed, and he also helps me figure out the bills, what to pay when, etc. It makes him still feel a part of our life out here.

Stick with us, and we sure will be here for you.

Thank you so much Jaine1975! I am going for it! All the memories are coming back each day and I'm smiling again :) I love him to the moon and back

Sometimes people in your life that can't possibly understand aren't the ones to advise you. Here, you have people who are going through it, so they know what it takes to get through this, and still be with them. It takes people like us that have suffered, but are getting through it, and haven't given up on ourselves or the ones in prison.

I think one question everyone that wonders if they should keep hanging on and waiting is, " Could I stand NOT living with him in my life? Could I just move on and not miss him and wonder how he was, or what he was doing, or if he was ok?"

That's the questions I asked my self. And I knew the answer. I would be more miserable than I am with him in prison. The end will happen. They will come home. You cut off all ties to him, you may regret it the rest of your life.

I saw that you commented that you are hanging on and waiting. Good!

I can relate so much to your situation in so many ways. I too met someone incarcerated through a pen pal site and we live in different states. We wrote for 3 years and had a wonderful friendship. I was in a relationship at the time and my then boyfriend knew that I was was writing an inmate because I felt compassion toward people in prison who made mistakes, yet possibly had family and friends give up on them, it was initially somewhat of a hobby that ended up turning into love, heartbreak, and currently something that I know will be a lifelong friendship still full of love.

I understand where you're coming from with worry that family and friends will possibly judge you for it because of the circumstances of how you met. I thought that since I met him through the pen pal site and didn't know him prior to his incarceration that my family would judge me to possibly say he was a con artist, that I could do better, etc. I didn't tell my family. I told a couple of very close friends who still didn't fully understand, as I had left some pieces out, but they knew enough and supported me that it was good to have someone to talk to about all the horribly difficult things you go through everyday in having a loved one incarcerated.

You don't need anyone to tell you that he's not trash, only ignorant people will tell you that and you know better. What you need to do it honestly ask yourself if this is something you're prepared to do, again. I don't know the circumstances or severity of his most recent charges or how much more time he's looking at, but I think it's important that you do.

I won't go into detail on this response in regards to my personal experience, but I would love to talk to you about it if you're interested. I will say this, looking back, when I think back to the months and months spent writing letter, talking on the phone, getting really close and intimate, those were amazing times that filled a void in my life that I really yearned for then and he obviously needed it too, but the reality of the situation was once he was released, things changed. He had to focus on sobriety, it wasn't a fantasy land anymore.

I'm not saying that is the right choice for you, but whatever you choose, know that there are people who do support you and him.

I am here if you ever want to talk!

Goodluck!!