Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
About 20 days ago I watched as the man I care very much for was taken out of the court room in handcuffs about to serve his 1 year and 11 month sentence. I know it's short compared to a lot of sentences, but its long for him. His face when they took him away still makes me cry.
I've been trying to make him feel like he's just on a really bad vacation. We talk everyday, sometimes more then once, and I visit him every Saturday. I make sure he has money to buy things he needs and I make sure his family and friends know how to get in touch with him.
He is going through a lot right now. He has to deal with not having seen his two girls in almost 2 and half years, he has to deal with losing his freedom, and he has to deal with losing his mother to cancer. If she passes away while he's still serving his time, he will have to deal with her funeral, her positions, her house, everything. She has no one else to do it, only him. He's so worried that he's making himself sick. I have no idea how to be his rock. All I want to do when he calls is reach through the phone and give him a hug and tell him it's going to be ok. But I can't do that, his mom is dying, I see it, hem sees it, she knows it. There is nothing we can do for her, and nothing I can do him but sit there and listen.
I can sit there for 20 minutes when I visit and seem like I'm put together and I can sit there and speak to him for 30 minutes on the phone and act like none of this bothers me. But when I leave or when the phone cuts off I sit there and cry. Not for me really, for him. I have no idea how he feels but I know this hurts him. He feels ashamed of himself, scared for his mother, worried for his kids, and now he's worried about me because I'm sick and im doing so much for him. I don't know how long I can pretend around him, and I want to be his rock.
I've been trying to make him feel like he's just on a really bad vacation. We talk everyday, sometimes more then once, and I visit him every Saturday. I make sure he has money to buy things he needs and I make sure his family and friends know how to get in touch with him.
He is going through a lot right now. He has to deal with not having seen his two girls in almost 2 and half years, he has to deal with losing his freedom, and he has to deal with losing his mother to cancer. If she passes away while he's still serving his time, he will have to deal with her funeral, her positions, her house, everything. She has no one else to do it, only him. He's so worried that he's making himself sick. I have no idea how to be his rock. All I want to do when he calls is reach through the phone and give him a hug and tell him it's going to be ok. But I can't do that, his mom is dying, I see it, hem sees it, she knows it. There is nothing we can do for her, and nothing I can do him but sit there and listen.
I can sit there for 20 minutes when I visit and seem like I'm put together and I can sit there and speak to him for 30 minutes on the phone and act like none of this bothers me. But when I leave or when the phone cuts off I sit there and cry. Not for me really, for him. I have no idea how he feels but I know this hurts him. He feels ashamed of himself, scared for his mother, worried for his kids, and now he's worried about me because I'm sick and im doing so much for him. I don't know how long I can pretend around him, and I want to be his rock.
You can't be his rock all the time. Be patient with him. Keep doing what you are doing. Maybe visit his mom for him, so you can assure him you are helping her get through this the best she can.
He will be agitated, sad, lonely and feel guilty. In the first stages of this, that is normal. Give it time. He will adapt gradually.
You may suggest to him to talk to a case worker there about his mom. Sometimes they do make arrangements for him to go see her before she dies. Or at the least they do take them to the funeral. He has to make them aware of this going on ahead of time. It depends on the prison, what he is in for and who you are dealing with there.
You are both going to go through periods of sadness, then he will start being angry... not at you, but it may seem that way. He will become depressed for just being there. And with his mom dying, poor guy has so much on his mind. Relieve him of some of the things you can help with. Let him vent to you, or realize some days he will not feel like talking about these things. He is feeling totally overwhelmed and helpless now.
Hopefully he can find someone in there who he relates to and can talk out his feelings too. That helps. Gotta have someone in there to talk to.
His caseworker can maybe send him to a counselor as to how to deal with the grief process.
I was just re reading your post. You said IF his mom dies. Don't jump the gun on that yet. Just start hoping and praying she don't die, and then you don't have to think about so many things all at once.
Does he call his mom now? Arrange that if it isn't already. Maybe the two of them can discuss things that need to be taken care of.
Crying is all part of this for us. It will subside a bit after awhile, and after you see he is doing better than you thought he would. You get into a new routine eventually. It seems impossible, I know, but you do adjust. There is no accepting this, but you much try, for both of you, or you will never make it through this.
If he can get into classes, or work out, or do craft projects, keep busy somehow, that will make his time go faster. And you have to learn two keep busy too. To not have every waking minute of your day be about him. Really, this helps.
I am a PRO at this. Son and fiance have been in and out of prison for over 9 years. Son is out. Fiance is back in again.
You can't really know how he is really feeling, but it sounds like you are doing what he needs. You are loving and supportive. That's really all you can do for now.
Keep writing to him. Send him a magazine subscription, keep his mind occupied. Find things he would like to see and know about, send them, tell him. Learn to get in your new NORMAL world at this point. Ask his advice on things, keep him feeling he can be useful and helpful to you. If you want to paint a room, or fix something, ask him his advice on how to do it, even if you know how. He will feel he is still out there in your world, assisting you like he would be.
You don't have to be strong all time. In the beginning it is hard to cover up that you are a wreck. Just do it when you can, but crying is acceptable once in awhile when you talk to them. Then suck it in, and sound ok.
You must gauge his moods and what he can handle when you are talking to him.
Usually mine is not very LOVING while in there. It's all about him sometimes. Other times he is concerned about what I am going through, my family, and other things.
Yesterday I went to see him, with no sleep. I actually fell over when we were walking next to each other. He was so worried. He sent me home and kept calling while I drove to make sure I was ok. He gave me a lecture on taking care of myself and not coming to see him if I am that tired. I can't call him to say I wouldn't be, and I didn't want him to worry. He said if it happens again, to not come and 15 minutes after I am supposed to be there, he will call me.
They like to feel like they are taking care of us too. They need that. that. It is part of a normal situation, and if we can let them take care of us however they can in there, that is very important to their whole part of staying sane and feeling not separate from our lives here.
Unless you're flipping a coin or rolling dice, I don't believe in luck either good or bad. I do believe in logical consequences of a long string of decisions. I don't know the full details here but my guess is its a long sequence of decisions that led up to this point -- many of which you probably tried to change or get him to avoid!
Despite all our longings, we can't make someone act a certain way. We can't waive a wand to fix a situation or hit the re-do button. All we can really do is walk with them down the road they decided to walk. Comfort him, but don't make your life worse in the process.
Stop trying to "fix" the problem. That's what being the rock is all about. It's shoring up the foundation of something the other person won't shore up for themselves. It's about not letting things get worse for the person when they won't try to do that for themselves. Things etting worse may be exactly what he needs. Ask any recovering drug or alcoholic. Life gets better after the bottom, but not until you hit it. We enablers can slow the descent into the pit, but we can never reverse it.
You need to be present. You need to listen. You need to help them do on the outside, what they can't do for themselves while on the inside. We need to do those acts of charity that are within our surplus means to do. But don't think for one minute that you have it better than he does. You don't.
Prison doesn't just pain the incarcerated. It pains the entire family. Allow yourself to acknowledge that pain. By this I mean, admit it to yourself that his action affected you too. He's not the only one paying a price for incarceration. You too are suffering and paying dearly and unfortunately many of the incarcerated don't see it that way and neither do most significant others.
He may have lost his freedom, but he is also free of the day-to-day family burdens and responsibilities. In one sense he is more free than you - no bills, no kids to drive around, no homework assignments, no house or car maintenance issues, no shopping, the list can go on.
In short, he needs to be your rock and stop putting more burden on you than he already has while he's in prison. This is what love is. The giving of oneself to the other. Love him, but don't forget you need love too.
They forget that WE suffer enormously in every way. WE are victims of their stupid actions, if they did something to be in prison.
We can love them, support them, and help them, but who helps us?
They have to be able to realize what their actions caused. Not just to them, but to us too. WE are important, and they need to understand and appreciate what we are going through because of them. And they better get down on their knees and be grateful to us.
Oooh I am not in the usual mood am I, and no real reason for it today.
I am in horrible pain every day. I have something wrong with me. I go to the doctor tomorrow. Hope I get answers and a fix fast. I can't miss work, have to pay the bills I have no one to help me. He is in prison. That makes me sad and mad.
We must not coddle them, if they don't they understand what they did, or did to us by being in trouble.
We must not coddle them and say poor baby he is in prison, god that's awful. Not unless they are showing remorse and showing that they truly appreciate all we go through and all we are doing out here to hold that damn fort down until they get home. And then they better get down and kiss our feet and pamper us like princesses... hahaha...
This is not to say we should not love them, or support them. We just need acknowledgment of what WE are going through because they can't be here to help us with all the burdens of life.
I try to be as helpful to as I can be and patients is certainly one of strong suits. He is very grateful for what I'm doing for him, and that means a lot.
I speak to his mom almost every day, and we have spoken about her illness and everything. I know he's already had that conversation with her, he called me today almost in tears after it.
He was just moved to Trustee and his friend is in there with him, so he has someone to talk to for a little bit. I've encouraged his closest friends to write him and I gave him their numbers. His biggest issue is not knowing what to say to them. I ask him all the time of he has spoken to one of his closest friends yet, he keeps saying he needs to call him, and he just doesn't want to. He calls me about 3 or 4 times a day if he can and I always let him know that he can call me whenever he needs or wants to talk.
I'm getting a lot better, I pm trying to focus on my art more, it's a coping thing, and so Im a little busier now.
And thank you too GeoCitizen.
I know he knows that what he did was stupid. He tells me everyday that he wishes he could go back and not do it. He feels very ashamed for what he did, and he has apologized profusely to me for dragging me into it. He committed the crime almost 3 years ago, and since the. He has made considerable efforts and changes to himself and his life to become s better man. I only met him a few months ago, but I see him work harder to be better everyday. He's not just sitting there feeling bad for himself, he's trying to do things. He has already signed up for all of the jail's programs and with my help he came up with a good timeline for what programs he will do first and how they will help him. He doesn't expect me to do all this for him for nothing in return, but I'm in it for what I can get out of it. I know he is limited in what he can do in there and I don't want him to feel like he owes me. No one if forcing me to do anything for him, I'm doing it because I care about him.
He is a good man who made a bad choice and he realizes that. He wants to use his time to better himself, but he needs to have some support.
Ihatewisconsin, I'm so sorry to hear that you are not doing well. I hope you feel better, I am dealing with far less then you are right now and I don't know how exactly you feel but I can understand.
You will be like that. Sometimes totally understanding and supportive and sympathetic to him. Other times we give in to our own feelings and needs and just need them. They can't be here, so we do get angry for a moment.
Mine was in 3.5 years. Out 10 months, back in for another 2 years. We have 13.5 months left and it is dragging badly.
I know you said he is "only"serving 1 year and 11months but that really doesn't matter because we all hurt no matter how long are loved ones are away. My husband is on year 10 of a 15 year mandatory sentence in Federal prison so he get's no good behavior time, which sucks. He is also about 5-6 hours from me. I know how hard this is believe me but keep coming here and these great people will help you through it, without some like Wisconsin I'd be in the loony bin, there are also so many other wives, mother's and girlfriends who will help.
You will get through this, I promise you have come to the right place, welcome again but sorry for the circumstances.
Hugs,
Pat