Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
My son is looking at a 25-year sentence for first degree assault in Colorado. With the current laws and good time I think he will serve around 15 years. He is working but makes pennies and keeping money on his commissary and phone accounts is hard. He has a few friends and three family members who visit but I go more than anyone and don't want him to feel alone. Any long timers who can help me see how I can continue this pace for 15 years. He has been in for four months and I am always sad and depressed about the situation and being able to help him get through his life. He is 24-years old with no children and no wife. Which in some ways is good but will he ever have a wife and children? Very sad mom
I haven't had anyone in for 15 years all at once. But my fiance has been in almost half of our 15 years together. He keeps getting probation violations. So not the same, but sort of. Seems he is in more than out.
You just do what you are doing. Support him by writing, taking his calls and seeing him. Send him pictures of everything. From the normal family pic's to things you have bought he would want to know about, like cars, etc. If you remodel, or go on a vacation, send pic's of that too. Keep him feeling like he is there talking to you, in a way experiencing these things too, through the pictures. Ask his advice on things. Make him feel that what he thinks matters, and you still need his help. It will make him feel a part of life out here.
We can't send newspapers, unless we get them subscriptions, so if there is something in the paper he would be interested in, I copy it and send it to him.
This is awful, but you have to learn the new kind of NORMAL for you and him.
You will have bad days, especially at first, then it gets better sometimes. You never forget them and move on, you never accept it, but you learn that for self preservation, you have to LET yourself have some good days.
Oh every time mine goes back in, it is another blow to my life and my heart. I cry alot, get depressed, then start pushing myself to do things that I have to, just to get through the days. They want this for us too. They don't want to know how they have messed up not only their lives but ours too.
They want to hear us tell them happy things. They live vicariously through us and what we are experiencing.
Mail is SO important to them. They line up daily to see if anyone cared enough to send them something, anything.
I don't write as much anymore because we talk several times a day. Oh, it is costly, but I figure we would be spending more on other things if he was out.
I don't give him much money, just enough to get food that he needs, and hygiene products. He does work too. The pay is pathetic, but it gives him a purpose to his day. To wake up and have something to do, something he can be proud of when he gets done. He can't sit there doing nothing all day. He thinks the guys that do just sit around playing cards, talking, and yea fighting are stupid.
I buy him the things they allow like the tv in the beginning and a few things to make it as comfortable as it can be in there.
I have him help me decide what bills to pay when, I ask if the car has a problem what he thinks it is before I go get it fixed, and where to go to get it done.
Keeping them IN your life even though they are there is vital to them.
Mine, as many others in there do craft projects that he can actually sell out here, or in the visiting room. Sure it costs me for the supplies but it's worth it in many ways. He needs to see something good that he is doing. If he sells one, he puts it on his account so I don't have to send money, or sends the money to me, to pay the bills. It makes him feel good that he is actually in a way helping us live still.
I also have had a son in prison. Once son and fiance were in at the same time. Yes, I was very depressed. That sadness dissipates a bit at time , as time goes on, but it never will go away. You will see guys his age out there having a life, you will cry. You will picture what life could be if he hadn't done what he did.
My son was i 4 years. His youngest at the time was just 8 months, and his first was 4. That was the hardest thing to see and know. That he would be missing out on so much. They just don't think when they are doing what they did to go in. Then it's too late. At least for the time they have to be in.
I can't imagine missing my son or fiance 15 years, but it wouldn't change my love and hope for them, as I am it sure it won't for you either.
His friends will slowly disappear from his life. They usually do. But you and your family won't. Stick with him always.
Know that your visits and any communications you have are so important.
Mine is out next year. It's his birthday this week. So I bought him something he wanted, and sent pictures of it. And will keep it in the box til he gets out.
Last time he was in, me and our granddaughter made a cake, took pictures of it. It was even decorated. He called, we sang Happy Birthday to him. Then she blew out the candles, while he was on the phone. We sent him pictures of it all. We had his party. He was " there", on the phone. It was all he could have. It was all we could do for him. While he was sad, it did make him happy that we put out the effort.
You will find ways to get through this for you and him. I wish I could assure you more. I wish I could just hug your sadness away.
There are wonderful people on here. Some are waiting a long time for their son, boyfriend, husband or friend. They will most certainly respond, and tell you how they get through it. Just give it time. Stay on here, read all the posts and go in the home section, click on it and read the ones from the Families of Prisoners. This will introduce you to everyone and you will see how special they are. I have been on here 9 years. Seems someone I love is always in. It helps me like nothing else has.
Friends will criticize him, and you for standing by him. That's just the way it is. People who don't go through it, just don't get it. People on here do.
Stick with us, we will all help as much as we can. Just knowing you can come on here anytime, day or night, and get answers and suggestions, and caring from people that get it, is very special.
There is a man on here we call REW. He goes by Rewdiazepam. He has a wealth of knowledge and compassion. He was in prison. Wrongfully convicted. He has many other things he knows about. He knows the law, the court system. He is a great one to answer questions. Try it.
I wish you lots of luck and know someone is almost always here for you. We do not judge and no question is a wrong one so don't be afraid to ask.
Hugs,
Pat
One thing to remember, KEEP LIVING. He wants that for you. If he feels you are sitting there depressed, it will make it harder on him too. They have so much guilt. They get angry at themselves at times, and occasionally they do seem to take it out on us. It is not us they are mad at. It is themselves. They wonder how they ever put themselves in this position to have normal life taken from them.
You have to remember too, they are living a life foreign to what we know of. They are told when to breathe practically. Everything can be construed as not right. Not like out here.
When one person in his unit causes problems, sometimes all of them suffer the consequences. It isn't like out here that we teach them if Johnny does bad, he gets grounded or punished, not everyone else connected to him. But in there it is a whole different attitude. And it helps no one. Just stirs up more resentments.
Here, we do something wrong, we apologize, and fix it if we can and it's over. Not in prison.
He will go through depression on the holidays or his birthday. So make it a new kind of Christmas for him. If you are allowed to, order something for him from the catalogs that they allow you to purchase certain things. Send extra canteen money so he can get something good to eat, or whatever he wants.
Where mine is you can even order them guitars and how to learn on your own lessons. That might be something special, if he is into that.
In some prisons they are only allowed a certain number of photos. So, the rules don't say I can't go copy them in color on paper. I sent my son what I called his Christmas photo album, but on paper. It was of all kinds of things like family Christmas, his kids, and what they are doing, etc. He really loved it. It brought HOME right there to him for a minute. I am sure he shed a few tears, but it connected to him to what was going on right now, at that point, where he lived, and the people he loves.
Just a few ideas.
When I started writing my Son, I started the very first day & basically 'journal' to him. I write (type) daily dated paragraphs just telling him what I did, what neighbors are doing, what's going on in town, any random thoughts. And then when I get enough to make a couple pages, I print off & send. Or just send whenever. At first I didn't think he would want to hear about everything going on (cuz he wasn't part of it) but he said he likes hearing about it ALL! Makes him feel not so isolated so that is what I have continued to do. He even told me recently that he is basically doing the same thing now because of the way I am doing it...he writes every day about what he did, mostly workouts, but that way he can remember since it will all run together.
It's not easy or ideal & not what any of us planned but you will find things that will help. One day at a time or one hour or one minute. Whatever it takes!! Stay connected on here, it truly will help! Hugs!!
I asked him why don't you talk much, I do all the talking? He said NOTHING goes on here at all. I work, I sleep, there is COUNT, I eat, then do it all over again.
He loves participating by phone, telling me how to deal with things, or telling me messages to give people.
They have to stay connected the only way they can. Now he even loves hearing about my job. Which would of been boring to him if he was home to hear all the catty things the women workers say and do constantly. He envisions who the dragon woman is, ( my assistant manager) or Tina the whiner, or Tiffany the fat woman who thinks she is sexy to all men. He laughs about them with me. I will take pictures of them soon to show who I am talking about and send them to them. It is a new way of communicating.
Sometimes while they are in prison, you actually learn to talk to each other more. You don't take things forgranted. You cherish the calls and visits you have with them.
Even when my son was in, it brought us closer. We had fought a lot when he was out and in his drug dealer phase of his life. We loved each other more when he was in prison because he did look forward to hearing my voice, or hug me when I got there to see him, and to make fun of me for crying that he was there. He would sit and rub his eyes and say BooHoo Mamacakes, don't cry. It's all good.
They seem to adapt to their situation better than we do. The become OK with it, for the most part. They rarely whine or complain. My fiance has bad days, and he gets crabby, but OMG wouldn't you???
He is better now that he has his own room. It is tiny, but has no one else in it. He has his own private world to go to. I call it his mini apartment. Complete with bed, tv, stereo/radio, his craft projects, his desk, and a locker to keep his things in. Before he was with 16 other noisy men, he didn't like at all.
Can you imagine being in with 16 men, who don't go to sleep when you want to, who are noisy, who fart and burp loudly. YUK.
So he has adapted better now that he has his own room, which he got because he has a job, where he cleans the unit, does something with the laundry to get ready to be shipped out to clean, and polishes and cleans the floors, plus maintenance things. He Has his niche now, and he has pretty much accepted it.
Don't watch TV shows about prison, the fights, the rapes and all that and think it is just going to happen there where he is. For the most part there are few fights where he is, and has been, and it is nothing like in the movies or TV. Sure the max prisons are worse, we don't know about those.
Just keep doing what you are doing, and yes, keep on here. It became my lifeline NINE years ago. Even when my son and fiance were both out of prison, I stayed on. Good thing since my fiance keeps going back in on violations of probation.
Have a nice weekend... TRY anyway.
I took my husband's advice and sought medical and psychological help; He refused to go to counseling with me as this had affected the family.
I would cry uncontrollably most of the time; Now, with a prescribed anti-anxiety/anti- depression drug, the crying is less frequent. I have to work and I need .my composure. I am trying to compartmentalize my life so that I am not completely consumed by his imprisonment.
Upon my return my husband informed me that he had not bargained for this when we got married. He wants to enjoy his retirement . He does not want to see me and has verbally treated me cruelly since our return from the sentencing. He has deserted me and II have only seen him 4 times since the sentencing. I have not told my son as he really liked my husband and was so happy that I had found a lifetime partner., My grief is so overwhelming that I am weakened.
This is my first time on this site. I called the EAP tonight and they did not know of any support for families of prisoners. So I went searching on the web. I read the above responses to your question, and I have learned so much. The positive responses have given me strategies and confidence that i can go on. I will be in my early eighties when my son is released. He had just started to date a young women that he wanted to marry. I too am worried that he will have a life and family when he gets out, but I cannot control the future.
My son writes me everyday, and tells me how much he enjoys my letters; They are his lifeline to us and the outside world; the advice given above about what to include, to send pictures of life going on here is good. I like the birthday cake idea.
Unfortunately in federal prison the phone calls are so limited each month. His crime denies him access to Corrlinks so no email correspondence.
Letters are so important. Sometimes he calls just to hear my voice tell him that I love him.
ihatewisconsin please continue to write as you have given me suggestons on how I can help both my son and me.
I have no idea what it is like to have someone I love be put in prison that long. That I have no experience in, but collectively between son and fiance, I have been in this stuff a long time.
That's terrible what your husband has done. What kind of man deserts a woman at this time of her life, when everything already has crashed in? People turn into people we didn't know they could be when these things happen. We just have to go on somehow and take care of ourselves and those that are in prison.
It's good that you two write back and forth. My fiance told me that letters are what holds most of them together. They are the highlight of their day. People line up to get their mail, and sadly some never get any.
In these beginning phases, you will cry, you will be a mess. Gradually it gets a bit easier. You learn to cope, through many outlets. You may have to force yourself to get out and do things, and start projects at home to keep busy, but it helps. And your son will like it that you are learning new coping skills. If you start a new craft project, or find a group to go to, he will like hearing about it.
I find odd things on the news from our area to tell my fiance about. Sometimes it makes him laugh how stupid people can be.
I send things to cheer him up, or let him dream of what he can do when he gets out.
He is having a rough time this week, it being his birthday and the anniversary of his arrest. That's making it a bit harder to find things I can talk to him about. Either it angers him, or depresses him more. Can't win sometimes.
There really are no groups in most areas to go to, for this kind of thing. We are the forgotten ones. No one realizes or cares what this does to us. They don't realize the implications it has even on society. We get depressed, we can't work, we have to seek help, which is sometimes paid for by the county or state. It would be beneficial for them to help us emotionally and psychologically so we don't cost them as much.
No one cares. We love someone they perceive as a terrible person so that makes us stupid in their eyes. UNTIL it happens to them.
If your husband can't be understanding, loving and supportive, then it's his loss. He is the one proving what a jerk he is, and how he has no compassion for you, your son or anyone but himself.
He may change his tune after awhile, but will you even want him in your life then? That's up to you.
I read once that the corrections systems realize that visits and keeping families together are integral to their rehabilitation. Yet, they do nothing to help that. I have many theories on that, but another time I will go on and on about that.
You will be irked at our system more and more as you go through this. You will see how corrupt they are. It is a money making BUSINESS to keep our loved ones incarcerated. It is not beneficial for them to rehabilitate and find other ways to punish them.
Everyday, I want you to give yourself a few minutes to be sad, then get up, get moving, do SOMETHING. You will eventually be able to do more and more without crying and laying around depressed. Believe me, been there, done that.
If your son knows how depressed you are, and then you start sounding better, start describing things you are now doing, start sounding better, it will get him through his days better too.