Families of Prisoners Support Group

This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.

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hismamma 04/29/2013

My 23 year old son is currently in prison for things he knew he shouldn't have done. Of course they place him in a prison further away from home then they could have. Seems like they always do that. He has a girlfriend and a 14 month old baby. This past weekend, we went to go see him. I paid for the gas, the hotel room--since we can visit two days in a row, it seemed the best thing to do--and took money for the vending machines. Not to mention I did all the driving. While there he asked if I could send him money for commissary. Of course I said yes and did so today. It seems he's okay if he ask his dad (my ex) for things and gets turned down, but he always expects it from me. Granted I've remarried and currently retired and my husband makes a decent living, but I don't think I owe him! I raised him as a single parent for several years (along with his two brothers). He's never went without. I'm just worried that if I refuse him, he will get upset and he has a bad temper which may cause him to get in trouble while there. I love my grandbaby and want her to know her dad, but at what expense? I know, I need a backbone, but how do I find one!

imissmyson2 04/29/2013

You're his mamma so of course you don't want to overdo it because whatever you give him is a love gift. So in light of that you should only give him what you can in your heart cheerfully give. Try not to let feelings toward your Ex and what he can get away with get in the way of the joy of giving. Don't worry about him, if at all possible.
Your son must assume responsibility for his actions when and if he's disappointed. So don't let fear of his reactions drive your decisions. Give for what you think is healthy and joyful, no more and no less.
When your being punished for something you did wrong receiving mercy in the form of commissary privileges is extra special and loving. I heard the food in prison is almost unbearable.

deleted_user 04/29/2013

You can only give so much. Just do what you are comfortable with and when it becomes too much just tell him you don't have the means to. He might not like it but he needs to realize he can't have things just given to him all the time.
My fiance's grandmother always pays his commissary and gives him money etc. He does expect it from her. She uses it as a way of having control over him, but he just sees it as a "free lunch". You can do too much and when you are at that point, you need to step back.

stacyanne1975 04/29/2013

I am curious what your relationship with your Ex is, I was thinking if it is decent maybe you could nicely talk to him and just ask him to help out. I am like you, my brother says he needs money on his acct and I will put it on there no matter if I really can or not. I just can't bear the thought of him going without something from the commissary since I think he is already going without too much. I hope your taking care of him in there does not put a strain on your marriage.

Suchaslife 04/30/2013

When you go see him with his gf see if she can put in a bit for gas and the motel that will take a bit off you. Also only give what you can adfored or comfy with yes he will get upset but if he can work in there encough him to work yes its not much that he will get but it will help in the long run.
Yes the food in prison is bad yuck gross and I wouldn't give it to a dog.

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