Judy,
Keep as busy as you can, concentrate on keeping your self as emotionally healthy and strong as you can. You will need it. Remember that no matter how wonderful your husband or marriage is that although it is the most important thing, there is absolutely nothing like the bond and love of a mother to her child no matter what they have done or how old they are. Don't allow any one to make you feel bad about that. and come here often. It helps to be around people who understand what your going through from personal experience! Keeps you stable strong and sane.

Thanks everyone for helping me hold my life together, when I thought I would fall apart!!
Cindy

Judy, I had the same problem with my oldest son. I brought him to Palmer Drug Abuse that is locally supported by a non profit. Basically I had to just turn him away. There are support groups that you can join that will help you deal with the guilt you suffer from. Read books about Tough Love. It is his life, maybe he will learn but it's his future and he has to stand on his own two feet. You can be on his side without the brunt of feeding his drug habit.

Thanks for the support. It's so hard to turn my back on my son. But helping him doesn't help him. I wish we hadn't helped him so much in the past. If he'd suffered the consequences of his earlier minor mistakes, maybe he'd have learned to do the right thing. It just worries me as a mother so much. Hard to let go. I love him but he'll have to work it out for himself. I have looked up a non-profit as vck suggested. Looks like there may be some sort of housing availanle. That's a good start. I'll always love him and tough love is really the only road at this point. But easier said than done.
.

Maybe consider joining family and friends of addicts.

Judy,
I wish I could be Susie Sunshine and offer you lots of great hopes, but keep in mind there are hopes. My own son went to jail for drugs when he was just 19 and spent 5 years there. He had been through multiple treatments programs and none helped. He spent the 3 years in jail, then 9 months in another treatment facility and 6 months in pre-release. He was out of jail for less than a year when he was picked up on a federal meth charge. Released on his own recognizance he ran and was captured with out incident in another state. Now he is waiting on a plea deal sentencing. I have the same problem you do in that he is constantly costing money that I don't have and that my husband doesn't know I spend. Besides the broken promises and lost friends, he seems to think he needs to live in prison like a king and is asking even his very poor relatives to send money for things such as his phone time. It was driving me nuts and I couldn't function - all I could do was try to hold myself together and not cry out loud. But there is hope - at the very end of my rope I found a great therapist who taught me about setting boundaries. Your son is an adult and has to be responsible for himself. It wasn't an easy thing to do but it has helped immensely. She also taught me some really helpful techniques for dealing with panic and anxiety Once I started seeing the therapist she helped me talk with my husband and that eased the strain on our marriage. My son will probably be in prison until I die, so I couldn't give up my marriage for him. As for the halfway houses - when it gets closer to his release date - look around the community and the local internet community. When my son was released the first time it was very difficult for him to get started again, but before he went back to the drugs he had managed to find a decent job, buy a used car and find a place to live. He was even engaged to a lovely girl that I wish could have become my daughter in law. The therapist taught me that I can't change my son and I can't change his behavior, but what I can do is love him. That is a bond that can't be broken. If you don't get what you need from the first therapist, don't hesitate to try a second or even third one. You need to take care of yourself before you can do anything for anyone else. I hope I haven't made you feel worse - but it is the best advice I have. Hang in there and thank for letting me vent to you.

Hello, I am sorry you are going through this. I have a son that was involved in drugs from his teens through later in life. At 17 he got arrested the first time, then it continued with him selling drugs til he ended up in prison. He spent four years in prison. BUT he told me as I cried every time I saw him, " Mom, I needed to be here. I was doing really bad things, and if I hadn't been caught, I would have died, or killed someone or did something so awful, I would have been in much longer than I have to be. This is good".

That helped me. The fact he realized this was the only way to stop doing what he was doing. He is doing quite well now. Has been out about 2 years. Off probation, has two daughters, who he is a good dad to now, and just acquired a business from another friend who got in trouble. He took over a very lucrative business... legitimate I mean, and has employees, and will make good and legal money. He has a nice home, nice cars and a good life NOW.

I didn't have much hope for him up to a few years ago. Always a problem child. A horrible teenager and pretty rotten in his teens too.

I actually got so tired of his friends being at my house day and night and the drug dealing going on, and the fights with him about it, I did more than kick him out, I SOLD MY HOUSE so he had to get out. It was tough love for sure. The last night before we had to be out, he asked if he could move to my new place with me, he had nowhere to go. I thought, You have to be kidding. I refused. He ended up staying from place to place like the rest of his loser friends had done. He got worse, and finally a drug task force from 3 counties arrested him. That was awful at the time, but a blessing in disguise.

He had been in a couple times before and it had no effect on him, in a positive way, but this time did. He all of a sudden realized he just couldn't live like he had been, and I think being in solitary for 11 days, plus the 23 hour a day in the cell, for the assessment and evaluation period really made him think.

I know your son's situation seems just terrible right now, but hopefully he, like my son will use this as a way to stop his old behaviors. My son's baby was 8 months, and his other girl was 4 when he went in. And the baby was 4 when he got out, and the other one was 8. He missed out on alot of their lives. One he is very close to now, and the other he has seen twice in the last two years he's been home, because her mom won't let him see her. ( I get to talk to her and see her though)

I hope this little life story shows you that the horrible situations sometimes make them turn into better people. The only way out of that drug scene seems to be this. Unfortunately.

Ooops. I should proof read before I submit. I meant to say he was a horrible teenager and into his 20's. It's 2:17 a.m. Guess I am tired. Sorry.

I can't sleep. My fiance also has been in prison for 3 years and is getting out in 4 days. I am a little tense and wired.

Oh goodness I feel like you all are living MY life, it's amazing to see people writing the things I am feeling on here. Find a therapist/counselor!! Both of mine (one for meds, one for counseling) have helped immensely.
The main help I got from counseling is drawing boundaries, and refusing to take responsibility for my son's (and other people's) reactions when they reach that boundary. I have to protect myself and my other son.
My oldest is 19, in jail for 6 months from probation violation for criminal mischief (squatting in an apt because I kicked him out yet again) and drug paraphernalia (bong). It killed me to kick him out, he's been at the homeless shelter, and also lived in a car, but whenever I let him back here he would break the rules (hundreds of dollars of cash and property I will never see again), plus having guns and drugs.

ANYWAY just remember your child as he used to be, remember how good you have been as a parent, and let go of the expectations/wishes you had for him. As an adult he will choose his own way, no matter what you say. Take care of yourself!! Read, take yoga, eat some ice cream. You have done your best, try to find resources for him while in jail (like rehab classes), and send him books about self help topics, hopefully he can learn a little.

Thanks to everyone for supporting each other here!! We are the only ones who truly understand each other.

What you need to think about it that you did the best you can, and what he chooses to do in life is not your fault in any way.

I raised two kids. One turned out wonderful, one went to prison. It isn't us, it's them. Just because both of my kids had the same blood, doesn't mean they were wired the same. I sometimes wonder if it was his traumatic birth, and something went wrong in his head. But then, some people are just born with the disposition to get into some sort of trouble, I guess.

I decided at some point that I had done my job the best I could. I could not make choices for him, I could not stop him from doing the things he was doing. So I chose to live my life for me, like he was. Oh, I still am there for him to talk to if he wants, I am always there for my daughter. As a parent, we have to know when to let go. Funny thing is at my OLD age, my elderly parents recently decided to start deciding what was good for me, and that didn't go well.Mine decided I shouldn't be with my fiance, and because I am, they abandoned me. HAHA I am 58, not 8. I think that's proof of how hard it is to let go. But we must.

You can forever beat your head against the wall trying to help them see the light, beat your head against the wall wondering what you could have done different. Mostly none of that will work, or is anything to do with how they are.

There is a guy in my fiance's treatment place. He said he spent most of his adult life drunk. He pretty much has no one anymore. He got released yesterday and had to go to a shelter. No home to go to. But that shelter has many programs that he was eager to attend. They have continued treatment, they have curfews, etc. There was one place he could have went to. His dad's. But he decided to go to the shelter, and continue to work on his life himself. I wish him luck. He decided to stand up for himself and take charge of his life.

A wake up moment for me was when I said "I WISH he'd take his meds "! (My son is bipolar). My counselor pointed out the window. "See that guy there? It's not against the law to be homeless here. It's not against the law to have mental illness and NOT take meds. You can't make an adult take meds (unless court ordered). "
My heart says I want my son to take his meds, get a decent job, stay away from drugs, have a nice life.
My head says, if he makes bad choices, I can't fix them. I can drain my bank account and my emotions TRYING to fix them (and fix him), but change must come from within.
If only I could get the heart and head on the same page.

The problem sometimes is that when they aren't on their meds, they don't realize that there is something wrong with them, that they aren't acting right.
Or the meds may calm them and make them easier to be around, but they make them feel groggy and sick and they don't like that feeling. I was put on anti depressants once. OMG they make me feel like I can't stay awake, or if I am awake feeling, I feel nauseated and out of it. My fiance refused for a long time to take his because of that. Now in prison 3 years he was able to get monitored and switched to different meds that worked better, and he had time to adjust to them. Out in the real world you can't walk around in a fog and work, etc.
My friend was on pills that actually made her more depressed, only she didn't realize it was the pills until she no longer had insurance and couldn't get them. After a few months off them, I noticed the big change in her, for the better. I cringed yesterday when she said she got meds again. She claims they are different ones. I hope so. She isn't smart enough to tell the doctor those others were awful. I will watch now and see if she reverts back.
Finding the right type of pill, and dosage sometimes is difficult.

Hi sorry to hear of your delimma. There should be some halfway houses in St. Louis. Most states do have them. You might find out where they are and how to get your son into one thru the prison. They should be able to help him with some drug rehad if he is willing to get the help.

I wish you and yours the best and I pray things work out for you.

My prayers r with u my fieance is in prision my son only 8 his my heart I would not be able to go through this with him I am sorry hope everything works out for u and ur son