Hello, not sure if this will help but thought I would share my 2 cents. When I was 9 my parents divorced, at 11 my dad died. Over the next few years I heard family members whispering various things about him and wasn't sure if they were true or not. Come to find out he had two older children with a first wife that I never knew existed. He also had a daughter that is younger than me. Found out all of this years after his death. Now I don't know how to contact the older brothers. Would have been nice to find out more about them and get to know them. I think your husband should def. be the one to tell them and I would think they would be happy to have a "new" brother. Hope that helps. I think everyone will be okay. :)

Patnard, Yes this is another dilemma to go through, but it will be ok. I think it will be ok, but people all take these things differently.

An ex boyfriend of mine had a son while he was in Viet Nam. He asked his best friend to take care of his pregnant wife while he was away. Oh he took care of her all right. He became involved with her, she divorced my ex bf while he was in the war. But he accepted her decision to not wait, in case he did die. His whole platoon was killed, but he survived, so he saw how close he came to losing his life, and this equated to him that his wife and son should be happy, that he shouldn't come between them if he finally got home alive. ( I couldn't of looked at it that way.)

An interesting twist to this story is that my then boyfriend's SON was dating my daughter. ( yes I am a bona fide soap opera) So, first this guy told me about finding out his son was looking for him, and he was excited and nervous about what this would do to his family. Then his son came over to my house and told me that he had the shock of his life. He was working at his dad's company and this guy kept calling asking for his dad. He finally said Who is this? You can leave the message with me, I am his son. The voice on the other end said, So am I! I am his first born son. Then he stated that his name was the same as their dad's and he was a JR.
Well the younger son was shocked. He knew nothing about his dad having another son OR wife in the past. So they did go through a few uncomfortable conversations.
I did have the interesting opportunity of listening to both father and son's sides of it. The son did now know I was dating his father. I also got to use the knowledge I got from each of them to kind of guide or help them.
It got to be a very uncomfortable thing when this first son flew in to meet his dad, and family. All the other kids accepted him with open arms. There was 4 daughters and one son,,,,,, then the first son with the dad's name, and JR attached to it.
The daughter's were thrilled. The son was very quiet and not so happy. He felt this guy would take over his position in the family. I explained to him that this was not true. That I was his dad's friend and that he would always love him the same way as he had before, that he had enough love in his heart for all of his kids and this new one too.
So he came to visit. The girls and dad were thrilled, Chris just layed low, didn't say much. The dad thought that they would someday get a chance to know each other better. But it would be difficult because eldest son lived clear across the US.
Unfortunately that son, transferred from Arizona to LA. He was a cop. He was shot and killed. No one got to see how the relationship would of progressed. I think it would have been good, or as good as it could be from across the US.
The dad was devastated. He knew he had missed out on first son's whole life. He had thought the son wouldn't want to know him, that he was happy with the man who became his dad. He was, but he always wanted to know the man he was named after. He could have changed his name, but he never did.
After meeting this son, he was sure they still had time to fly back and forth to see each other. Someone decided for them that it would never be.
This is an extreme case. Most reunions don't turn out this way. Most live, and either make some sort of new connection to each other or not. The mystery always is where these people who are their sons, daughter, or father, or mothers are. Some people are lucky enough to meet them. Some meet and it just doesn't work, but at least they had the opportunity to get so many unanswered questions.
Phil Sr and Phil Jr did get that. But the rest of their opportunities were cut short, by a gun.

Another example: My fiance was told as a young child that his dad had died. Actually he left with the elder son, and left my fiance and his mom in MN. He just vanished. No one talked to him for years, no one knew where he was.
Then my fiance started hearing things as he got older, that made him think his dad hadn't died. The dad had found out that his wife was married to him, and another man. That's why he left. He didn't know where he was going, didn't think he could handle two young toddlers alone, so he left my fiance and took the other one.
Years later after ALOT of searching, my fiance found him. They first talked on the phone. Then the dad invited him to come visit, which turned into stay with him for awhile. The older son HATED this. He felt that his brother would take his dad from him. Oh grow up is what I would of said. This was an adult now, not a kid. He caused him so much trouble. My fiance and his dad did bond real well, but that dad thought he could start being a dad and giving him orders how to live at age 29. So it didn't go well, and my fiance decided to go back to MN to live, and just talk on the phone and visit his dad whenever he could.
They got FIVE years together, then the dad died of an aneurysm.
( can't spell that.) While it didn't work to instantly become father and son in the way of the dad expecting him to change his ways to what the father wanted, they still loved each other right up until the last day of the dad's life. They had to try it. My fiance needed the chance to be with him for awhile. He had always wondered did he look like him, was his behaviors the same, what was the rest of his relatives like on that side, etc. He got those answers finally.
Ironically, my fiance's son was ripped out of his life years ago in an ugly break up. He didn't want to lose the son, he would have accepted that the boy had a step son. But she did terrible things to ensure he never saw the boy after he was six months old.
I helped my fiance find him a couple years or so ago. They still haven't connected up. The boy has been lied to big time about him. We did talk to his half sister, he is questioning about his real dad, but then his step dad died. The man he had loved as a father. Then my fiance tries to write to him, not knowing that the step dad died. This was not the time.
I see the kid on FB. I can see some of his pictures even not as a " friend". He is a carbon copy of my fiance. A real cutey. It's so funny that he loves the same things, down to the same favorite brand of car. He even misspells the same words as my guy does.
I think it is important for them to get together. The years of wondering about what kind of people they are, and all the rest is very hard on all involved.
I think that years ago there was alot of people that had kids, didn't end up raising them, had another family, and the same thing happened that has happened to your family. That they don't know a sibling from the dad's past exists.
I am hoping that the mother of my fiance's son did not damage my fiance's reputation so bad that it can't be fixed someday. It is his goal when he gets out to make sure he is a man this kid CAN be proud of someday soon, and then go find him.
The mother has always been in the way. Awhile ago, he actually lived 30 miles from our home, but my fiance was in prison. I actually bumped into him. Not knowing it was him, but KNEW he was someone. He had such a familiar look and smile. Then I searched him out on FB, and there was that same face, identical to my fiance's face.
I think your kids will do fine. Sure they may get feisty about it at first, but they will adjust and survive. He didn't do anything wrong. He wasn't with you at the time.
Have faith that this will be ok.

Thanks hope and Wisconsin, I am hoping that my son will accept this like a man but I am afraid he will think that someone has taken his place, he was very close with his dad and has built up alot of anger since he's gone. My husband thinks everything will be ok and he will accept iit but he really hasn't seen the change in him over the last 7 years, I have, he's a very angry person these days. And of cource my daughter has her own set of problem's so I just don't know how this is going to work out but I am hoping my kid's will accept this like grownups and we can include this man into our lives. Thanks again for your support.
Hugs,
Pat

He may see it that way at first, but someday think its great to have this brother. It's not like they are kids living together at home. They don't have to fight for attention.

I agree that your husband should tell him. I would think your son may be angry at first, but when he realizes this was all before you both were together he should be able to accept it. I feel bad for your husband that this is coming up now, not when he was not in prison. He sounds like he just takes it all in stride, good for him!!
The only thing that worries me is that your son will want to know if you knew and he may get angry that you kept the secret. I would be ready for a response like that just in case, so you are not caught off guard.
I remember when my mom get pregnant months after she had cheated on my dad and toke him for all she could in a divorce. My brother and I were not pleased with her anyways and to add a baby into the picture did not help. We did accept it after he was born, but it was not a good situation. Some way, some how, we all get through these things in life.
Good Luck to you and your husband, and make sure to update us after he tells him!

My Dad divorced his ex a year before he met my mom. He had 2 boys with his ex. After my parents married and had me and my brother, they were given orders to move to Hawaii. While there his ex remarried and wanted her new hub to adopt the boys. My dad always had problems with her regarding the boys and the courts wouldn't allow him custody (back then it was always given to mother). After he agreed, she never let my Dad ever see or talk to them, and returned every gift he sent.
I met my brothers 4 yrs ago (I am now in my late 30's). I was overjoyed to meet them. Just let your kids know the story and the reasons why you didn't tell them before. I'm sure given all the info they will understand and want to meet their brother.

Stacy I am ready for my son to come to me with question's and I have the same fear, that he is going to get angry at me for not telling him, but I had to respect what this other man's mother wanted. It does suck that it had to happen now that my husband is in jail but maybe my kis will get to know him first.
Thoughtas I hope that my kids are as excepting as you were once they hear the whole story. I will keep you all up to date, this is going to be a long week since my son is going to see his father this weekend.