Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
My boyfriend was finally bonded out yesterday. I was so excited to see him. I stayed up for 22 hours because I had to work in the morning then I stayed up all day to hear about his court hearing. It felt so nice to have him home, to have him hold me! But then something unexpected happened. His friend, who is also our neighbor, came over to visit. Which is fine, I had invited him to come over and have a freedom beer with my boyfriend, they're really good friends. Then once his friend leaves my boyfriend said he knows that my ex had been here for 3 to 4 days in a row, that his car didn't move! I couldn't believe it. Here I was waiting for him to get out of jail and I get accused of something I didn't do. I was so frustrated and upset. I busted my ass at work while he was gone because he lost his jobs over this, even though because my stomach is paralyzed i'm not supposed to be working this much; this is the thanks I get. I worked hard so we didn't lose our apartment, so he'd have a home to come back to. I don't even know what to say anymore. He's so different and it wasn't even that long. He's distant, he doesn't say he loves me anymore unless I say it first. And tonight he calls and says his car belt broke and he's stuck at his dads for the night, and the call did come from his dads house but it makes me wonder. I don't want to be paranoid and I know his car had been sitting since he was in jail. I want to believe that that's what is going on. If he was going to leave he would've left last night, or maybe that's just what I want to believe.
I know I should be patient and see where he's coming from, but it's hard when you've waited for someone and they turn around and don't think you love them. I'm just frustrated and needed to rant. Has anyone noticed this type of behavior with their loved one? The accusations?
I know I should be patient and see where he's coming from, but it's hard when you've waited for someone and they turn around and don't think you love them. I'm just frustrated and needed to rant. Has anyone noticed this type of behavior with their loved one? The accusations?
We call this the trash talk......it can and does breakup some couples if the one at home is not strong enough to handle the acussations and the distanness that comes froom ones thinking while they were away you played.....this haunts many they come to believe and forget the person loves them.....they think all negative thoughts....the others just prime them for thinking these things.
Sometimes they have no idea how hard this was on us....they think and remember just how hard it was for them....though many hide it well that it was as bad as it was.....they strip them of all dignity and choices....treat them as inhuman.....and then they come home used to having to hide alllllllllllll feelings or be mocked and laughed at and worse......
How can they come home feeling otherwise but uncomfortable.....insecure and just real unlike their usual selves.
My son was in prison for three years....in isolation....and when he came home in September of this year.....he had to get used to being touched by hands that loved him....people that cared......noises, crowds......and now finally he is pretty much adjusted.....it takes time.....and I think he was one of those that adapted pretty fast....it is slow going....for they will not always speak up about what is bothering them......they will just tune out and try to go to the safe place in their mind that they had to develop while in prison to deal with all the restrictions....and the mentality there..
They have to retrain themselves to trust....and believe people do care.....even us that stood by them.....so many daily changes......and they try to move quickly back into their lives....while at the same time trying not to appear different than they were before.....fact is prison does change them....into survivors......and it is a difficult road back to normal life.
We had to let him set the pace.....at times it was slow....at times decisions and emotions were rough.
But it is so worth having the patience and understanding....because the guy yu loved is still there....just a whle lot more mature....but has been thru hell and back amongst people that frankly just give a flying fig about anything about them!
How long has he been home? Just a day or two?
He is probably even deep down scared that somehow this is a dream....and he is going to wake up and still be penned up like a dog with guards watching him shower, take a dump....and even scratch his rear when it needed it.....changing clothes........it will take him time to not be overly emotional to get over what he has been thru.
Please do not give up on him....or take what he said with too much belief that he really believes it. We had to wait for about a month for my sons coming home party because he could not handle being around so many....as it was....it was still hard for him then.
Life has just now become easier.....for him and for us.
Baby steps....is what they have to take to gain back their trust and self respect and belief in others.
I hope this helped you to understand some of what goes thru their minds.....just remember alot of things they will probably never tell us about what happened there or how they feel....we just have to accept that.....and not make them relive their bad times there.
Much love....and anytime you need to talk....I am very willing!
One last thing...there is a group within this group called Families of Prisoners Released and Home.....come join us and others there....it is a small group at this point....because we just started it when my son came home but you will find others there to talk to about what has happened in their lives and how they dealt with it....and if nothing else....support for you to help you get thru this.
Love and prayers....for you and your guy!
Love Rhea