I'm sorry you guys are going through this. I think it's hard for them to have us look at the "bad" side. It brings up the guilt and remorse and they probably feel ashamed and worst of all powerless over the whole thing. They can't go back in time and change what happened, and that's what they want, just like us. He's embarrassed by that report, I am sure. Let it go. I swear, as much as I understand your curiosity, I think it's best to let go of the "crime" and move forward as much as you can. If you really need to read reports or, like I did, read the newspapers and online trash talk, don't tell him. Come on here and talk to someone you can trust. He doesn't need to know, and it only serves to embarrass him- then he gets angry to protect himself. I'm not scolding you, I hope you know! Just trying to help.

PS Don't apologize for posting a lot...I post all the time!!!! :)

No I understand I shouldn't of said anything to him, it was a dumb choice. I know he will get over it I just hate when he puts doubt in our relationship and that's what he does when he gets mad but I know
I need to think a little more before I bring stuff up so I understand your not scolding just appreciate you posting

All the men have doubts about the relationships while in prison. They are afraid something or someone will convince us to leave.
He is maybe afraid the report will change your mind about your relationship - so becomes angry to mask that fear.

My hub constantly asks if we are ok, asking if I still want to stick around, has anyone tried to convince me to leave or if I'm interested in anyone.

I was just going to add exactly that, thoughtas! He's afraid that reading the report will make you feel differently. My fiance must have told me a million times that first week how grateful he was that I was committed to him and us. I was so happy and relieved to find out that he wasn't dead that I didn't even think about his stupid mistake- until a week or so later, when I read everything I could find and drove myself crazy! And, I gave him hell! I asked him, "Why???" over and over...he had no good answer. He never got angry, thank God, and after a few weeks of driving both of us completely crazy, I finally realized that he didn't really know why. And that he was full of regret and wanted to fix everything. I'm sure your sweetheart feels this way, too. Everything will be ok- this will pass and you will have learned a good lesson. :)

You have the right to read those reports and find out what happened. It is affecting your life too.

Men do not like to take blame or admit to anything. Even if they do, it's ok that they comment on it, but we can't. That is nagging and trying to start something.

I don't think you had anything to apologize to him for. You told him you were getting the report, he was ok with it then, so what is the problem? Of course you would want to discuss things about it with him. I don't think you were wrong at all.

Men get weird. Plain and simple. One minute you think they are ok with something, the next we are being nags, bitches, or trying to stir things up. Geez, and they say women get weird when they get their periods. Men get weird at any moment.

Your husband can't accept what he did. He isn't taking responsibility for it on the outside. He may be really punishing himself on the inside, to himself. Maybe it just pushed buttons in him when you discussed it. They are in prison. We don't know what else is going on there. Sometimes they don't tell us that someone is harassing them, or something is happening, and they use us as a whipping board. His anger may not even be about you or this.

Thank you for all of the replies they are much appreciated! I know I had a right to read them maybe I should of done it sooner. And I often find myself apologizing for things I know I don't need to because of course I always want to fix whatever is wrong immediately and he has to stay mad forever :( I really am hoping he calls me today if he doesn't I know he is really mad!

I really think so much of our stuff is amped up because we're apart. It's so much more intense, because our time to talk, argue, communicate anything to one another is so limited. There's no way we can deal with things "normally". About a month ago I decided not to push for answers or try to get him to explain what was going on with him when he screwed up. It just blows up and makes us both crazy (yes, we've been through the 5-6 calls in one day) and doesn't help. I have been working on doing good things for myself and taking care of myself so I don't feel so dependent. At first it felt like I was betraying him- my dependence on him was like a sign of how much I love him- not so much anymore. I still need him and love him as much as I ever did, but I can take care of myself. I can at least try!
What ihatewisconsin says is smart- you have a right to know what the report says. My advice is, don't talk to him about that stuff until he comes home. Nothing is in place for you guys to work through this stuff right now. Minutes are precious and expensive. Like I said initially, talk to someone you trust about it instead of him. I don't think he can be himself while he's locked up. You're both better off waiting to talk about the big stuff when you have lots of time and have moved past it.

Thank you angeladam and everyone else. He called me this morning but was still in a horrible mood so it's disappointing but I didn't even try to ask him anything or say anything about it. He just took me going to get it as I am looking for reasons to fight or to leave and I wanted to say um trust me I have PLENTY of reasons to leave if I wanted too... For crying out loud he has ANOTHER son 12 weeks younger than ours I have a lot of reasons to walk away if I wanted too its obvious I don't!

We have to stop coddling them and making excuses for how they treat us. We are the ones out here keeping their life on the outside ready to come back to. Many times they treat us like the enemy. It may not be us they are really mad at, but they sure take it out on us anyway.

Today is a good example of that. Mine disappeared for 3 days. Made life hell for me. Comes home acts like he did nothing wrong. And now today everything I say he bites my head off, but when other people call him, he is laughing and smiling. I asked why he seemed to be mad at only me. He said, I am in a bad mood, isn't it ok to have a bad day once in awhile. OMG I wanted to go off on him with a million reasons I should be bitching at him, but I shut up. I did ask why is it then that you can be rotten to me, and wonderful to everyone else? He said, Are you trying to start a fight? Wanted to say Baby, that fight started 4 days ago when you slithered off and say you were just stressed out and needed a break. FROM ME!!!

The problem is we take it when they are in prison. We sit there and forget that most of them did something really stupid or weren't thinking, and knew what they were doing could get them in trouble, but they do it anyway. Then they go to prison and it's poor me. And we coddle them, make them the martyr that was wronged. We baby them, we let them know that we can't LIVE without them. But did they think of us when they were doing the stupid shit.

Some aren't in there for anything they did, and I am not talking about those. Some aren't acting like this. Many are, occasionally.

Mine went off and on his med's. I know that's part of the problem. It changes their chemical balance. But why go off them? He had just started them again, then when he disappeared for 3 days, of course he didn't have his meds in his pocket. He didn't pack a bag and say he was leaving. He just moved the car to snow blow, and disappeared.

Ladies, we love our men. They love us. We show them love in every way possible. We make their lives in there as good as we can with our limited abilities. But they do not do much to help us get through our grief, turmoil, and all the rest that goes with being the one left at home. RIGHT????

We sit and think of ways to make them get through it happier. What do they do for us? Sometimes just an extra I love you honey, I know you are having a tough time would be really nice. Maybe a geez I feel bad this happened and you are left handling everything. But pretty much never get that.

No, they maybe feel those thoughts, and feel guilty, but instead of saying it, and helping us by not getting nasty, they actually make us feel miserable being awful.

Oh boy, I am grumpy today.

Ihate I understand you completely. In fact he did call me back and apologized so it was good but I said you know sometimes I just want to hear you say you love me and that is all. Ihate I also understand about the meds mine quit his which is frustrating but something I can't control so I hope he figured out how to best control it on his own of he isn't gonna use the medication. I hope things start to get better for you!

I'm lucky, because my guy has never treated me badly- never, not once. He tells me that all he wants is to come home and help me put our life back together. He's a rare and wonderful man. I'm not bragging- I'm grateful. I know how lucky I am...and he knows how lucky he is, too! ;)

Count your blessings that is amazing and rare to find! Happy for you!

Thank you...now I just need him to come home...like we all do.

Mine treated me awesome while he was in this time. Loving, considerate, thoughtful.. all the good words you can think of. It was great for the first four months, and I think he took on too much. And people on med's, when they think they are doing fine, they also think they don't need them anymore, that they are better. No, you are better because the med'ication is controlling your chemical imbalance and you need them forever. The medications are controlling your depression and anger issues. Without them, they all come back.

Mine took on too much. Tonite he got injured at work, and his blood pressure was really high. They said it could higher because of the pain, but thinking about how he's changed in the last few weeks, I think he HAS high blood pressure. You feel agitated, you feel tense and not yourself. I can't get him to listen to that though. But we go to the doctor today, and he has allergy tests tomorrow. I will make those doctors take his bp every time he goes. I think they would anyway.

I think my point this last week is, they come home, and are so eager to take back life, to do everything that they missed. They take on too much, and things get out of hand. But you can't tell them anything because they were controlled for the whole time they were incarcerated and they will refuse to let ANYONE tell them anything. Not everyone, but it is the way my son, and my fiance have reacted after being free.