Hi everyone,
Almost two years ago, I joined this group. My fiance had been arrested and I didn't have the money to post his bail ($50,000!). I was absolutely overwhelmed; the weeks immediately following his arrest, I could barely function. I hardly ate, and only slept when I literally collapsed from nervous exhaustion. I was in shock and vacillated between extreme panic and total numbness. Being in public or around people was unbearable. I lost my job and soon after that, my son went to live with my ex-husband. My savings was spent to hire an attorney, and I had to move in with my mother. It took several months for me to begin to feel "normal", and by normal I don't mean that I returned to the way I once was. I had to accept the "new normal", which was pretty much a nightmare. The cost of phone calls, commissary, legal fees, restitution and fines, visits...these expenses made it very hard for me to get on my own two feet, but I worked three jobs, including one overnight job caring for a terminally ill man, and I saved up enough money to move into my own apartment again. During all this chaos and strain, I was the only person who supported my fiance. None of his family or friends sent him any letters, contributed to his legal defense, added to his commissary account, or visited him. There were weeks when I visited every day, between my overnight shift and my afternoon shift. The prison was an hour from my home, and I stood in the long line, endured the search and the sometimes degrading treatment from guards, so I could see him.
My car was repossessed. My family stopped speaking to me. I became increasingly depressed and bottomed out one year ago, feeling completely drained and hopeless. I was exhausted and depleted, both mentally and physically. I lost thirty-five pounds and gained a lot of grey hairs.
There was one week last August when the hopeless feeling became frighteningly intense. I was stuck in my secluded little cabin with no car, no one to talk to, and no idea how long my fiance was going to be away from me. We were still awaiting the outcome. That week was pure hell.
I am sharing this because I have been reading your posts and thinking about how much you are suffering, and I want to reach out and tell each of you that you are going to be all right. This nightmare is going to end. You are going to find your way. It is a terrible, lonely, dark journey, and it's going to change you forever. You are going to learn just how strong you truly are, and you are going to learn that you can love another person so very, very much, even when they are far from you. You are going to break into a thousand pieces and then you are going to come back together through the force of your own determination and will. Every day, you're going to wake up and have to choose how to react to your situation. With this decision- How am I going to act today? Am I going to act with kindness towards myself and others today? Am I going to try to have gratitude for the good in my life, and not see only the sadness and fear? The answers you choose to these questions will change your day, and your life, and they will change you, too, eventually. Keep choosing the good, and keep doing your very best. Ask for what you need. If you have no family to ask, and no friends nearby, them come here and ask someone. Ask God, or your Higher Power. Ask for help and grace and try very hard to find something for which you feel grateful, even if it's just that you and your loved one are both alive in this world together.
This is such a hard thing to have to go through, but you have to, you have to do this rotten, terrible thing. And it IS going to end, and when it does, you are going to be so much more awake and aware and grateful, if you choose to be so.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you. You are remarkable and strong and good. And you are going to get through this, and everything is going to be all right.
PS please, please do not forget that you are not alone in this. We are all in it together. God bless you and keep you.