Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
Okay, I met my man when we were kids. I knew his family, still know some of them. He knows the family I have left--lots of deaths and relatives who are "too good" for my side of the family. Anyway, he's been through the whole system--juvie, state lockup, and is currently in year 12 of 14 at the federal level. He is 36 now. Needless to say, he's pretty much grown up in the system, never held a job, never had a healthy relationship. I knew him "when" though, and he still keeps in touch with my mom and my sister even though his family no longer does... he's the little brother of my sister's ex-husband. So my niece and nephew are also his niece and nephew.
We started out just writing. I wasn't taking his flirtations too seriously. Then he started saying he meant them. He wanted me to do all of these things to show we're in love. He still says he loves me, but in response to a letter I wrote when I was upset because he misunderstood something I had said and turned it into something else--he sent me three hateful letters (I mean, truly hateful--it sounded like he was basically saying he thought I was selfish, stupid, cruel and worse). Then his next few letters were affectionate, but felt over-the-top to me. Now he's still saying he loves me, still saying he wants to be with me when he gets released to a halfway house next year, but I feel like I just don't even know him, and like he hates me. I feel like I can't tell him how I'm feeling because he's going to take it as a personal attack... every time I try to write him, I'm left worrying about what he's going to read into this or that, or if he can even handle me being honest about my feelings.
I don't want to just let him go. I want to give him a chance, but I'm struggling to figure out how... how do I give him another chance? I was talking to my sister and a couple of my best friends, but I don't want to keep dumping on them, and they don't really understand either. They went through abusive relationships of their own on the outside... but I don't believe the man I love is trying to be abusive... and I don't want them to start hating him just because of how I'm feeling... but I just feel at a loss as to how to go on from here.
Thank you for reading this, even if you don't know what I should do either.
Most importantly when you're in the type of relationship we're in communication is really crucial for its survival. You being afraid to share your feelings with fear of retribution isn't good. I'm not perfect and I've wrote letters where as I call them my "bitchfest", but I've never ever told my fiance any hurtful/hateful things. Couples are going to have misunderstandings but you don't lash out like that. Words cut like a knife which is always why we have to think before we speak.
I'd never tell anyone to leave their man, however you have to ask yourself some tough questions with the main one being, "is this how it's always going to be if I express myself?" You should never be afraid to say how you feel.