Families of Prisoners Support Group

This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.

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Don't Even Know

angryhurtconfused
angryhurtconfused

A friend I've known for a long time just recently got sent to prison for a long time for something reprehensible. I won't share the details bacause it's that kind of thing. He was a nice guy, smart, good job, supportive to his family, a good friend. Easy to talk to. Helped me through some hard times in my own life. He never hurt anyone himself - but we found out he was into some really bad stuff online... like worse that I can even comprehend. I'm angry, I'm upset. But I'm also worried about him! That feels so f*d up that I am. I've been trying to write him a letter all night... just to let him know that someone out there still thinks he's a good person who just had a sickness because I'm afraid that the system isn't going to help him. But then I just think about what he did and I... I don't know what to do. I realize this rambly, non-specific, etc... but any advice and just some words would help. I never use groups like this... but I'm just so confused and angry and I feel bad that I'm worried about him. 

gregsbaby
gregsbaby
Don't beat yourself up about worrying about him, after all he was your friend for many years. Continue thinking of things to write to let him know that yes he does at least have one person that cares/worries about him! More times than often when a loved one goes away for a long time the people who "loved" them just throw their hands up and walk away from them, leaving them all alone and feeling very distraught/hopeless and every other bad thing that makes them feel like s**t and their worthless.

My fiance hurt nobody but himself by doing what he did and he's in for quite a bit and I'm the only one who's choosing to go the distance with him on this long road. Has it been easy, hell no. Do I want to throw in the towel sometimes, hell yes, but we love each other and have been through so much!

Sending big hugs!!
eyedeekay
eyedeekay
It is normal to feel the way that you are feeling, situations like these are messy and complicated and trying to navigate your emotions can be hard. I think no mater what crime our love ones commits we feel almost every bad emotion on this planet combined with still caring about them. Its understandable and since you guys have been friends for so long it makes sense that you are feeling this way. Writing to him is really good, and I'm sure he will appreciate it a lot knowing that someone out there still cares about him.
Dazy2
Dazy2
All of those feelings are natural if you are close. The whole process is very similar to the grief we feel over a death. That may sound exaggerated, but the process our minds and emotions go through are the same. I'm not a doctor, but it is. Just in the same shoes. If you really care for this person please verify the "new information" you have is true. Unless you saw them in the act yourself, do not believe it! Choose to remember your friend as you know them personally. The crazy things people come up with at times like these is amazing! All for something to talk about. If you did see it with your own eyes, it's up to you to continue your friendship or not. God Bless.
Dottk
Dottk
He's your friend. Why wouldn't you worry about what is going to happen to him? If he has done the things he is charged with, he will most likely be convicted, and ruined, and in jail for a long time. But that was his doing. You don't have to approve of what he has done, or enable him in anyway, to express your sorrow over what he has done, and the consequences he will most likely now have to face, right? I think first, I would write him and just ask him why? But understand that, no matter what he responds with, if he does respond, you are probably never going to understand it; not ever.
Find out what the policy is on pictures and gifts, and sending money to prisoners if you are interested in keeping a dialog going with him, you will need to know all of the rules and there are a lot of them. But a xerox of some photos, some cards for significant holidays and his birthday, and maybe a couple bucks (by money order, I believe) for some of the things that prisoners have to pay for themselves would be something he might appreciate.
Our society isn't in the forgiveness business when it comes to criminal acts, and truthfully, they shouldn't be.
But, God is, if your friend is willing to acknowledge his crimes against Him. I would remind your friend of this, if you believe it, and always let him know that you are praying for the health of his soul above all, because that is the most important of all issues of life, inside or outside.