The first year or so was the hardest for me personally..I still do have bad days but not to the point it was...a few of my friends know where my guy is but some do not as I do not want to deal with judgement... I told my former best friend what happen and he said to me since when do you date criminals needless to say our friendship ended that day....I understand he was looking out for me but he could've done it a better way...

I always bring extra clothes with me when I visit if the shirts or pants I'm wearing aren't acceptable I have extra clothes and if someone else needs to borrow something I can let them so they can visit their loved ones....

be prepare for judgement it's different since it's your daughter I've heard he's using you,he won't want you.he's a loser,He's cheating on you.....

this happened to me a couple times where my guys will call and call my phone won't ring than finally it will and they tell me they been calling for a half hour or so...

I would recommend going to therapy if it becomes to bad I went and need to go back but it helped me a lot...

write letters,send pictures,cards, but the biggest thing is and this is also the hardest thing is go on with your life ie: go shopping,movies,ect... do things you enjoy don't make this your prison sentence too! this took me almost 2 years to do this...

I have had a son in prison in the past. That was hard. You question what you could of done differently. Then you realize you did what you could to raise them right. It's on them if they messed up. It was hard seeing him there. But he was ok. Better than I was.

I also have had a fiance in and out of prison a few times. I am dealing with that now. But son has been out 4 years, doing fine. Works hard, is a wonderful father to SIX kids. His, his gf's kids, and their kids together. They are expecting another one. He is fine now. No problems with the law.

My fiance gets out in Aug. Maybe sooner. That has been really hard on me. He was my life. I miss time with him. Not that I didn't miss my son, but it was different. I wasn't living with him like with my fiance. My fiance calls and I go visit him, but that isn't enough. At first I just cried all the time. Everywhere I went. To top it off, I lost my job, went broke, etc. So everything in my life was wrong. Without a job I had nothing to do but sit and cry. But I learned eventually to force myself to go out and do things whether I felt like it or not. It did get better. I still cry in the morning sometimes, and almost every night when he should be here. It is just an empty, awful feeling til they are home.

You worry about how they are, what is happening to them, how they will be when they get out. You are sad for how they are living. But they made their choices. We didn't.

Holidays and birthdays are hard. You just have to look at them as just another day to get through. I focus on my grandkids and rest of the family those special days. I can't think all the time of just him. There are more people in my life that I love and that love me.

And definitely people WILL judge. You, and her. It is hard. I don't bring him up to many of them. I don't want to hear their opinions. Their's don't matter. Just how I feel and think about him. People can be so darn cruel. I wouldn't say things to them like they do to me, if they were going through it. I would help them any way I could.

Brandnewa.... said most of what I would say to you. Keep busy, keep writing to her. And when you can go see her, do it. Know it will be hard at first. I always cried when I left mine in there. They are ok for the most part. I have a woman friend in prison for 6 years. She lost a lot of friends, and family because of it. People vanish out of their lives and even yours. Then they weren't worth the bother. They can't support you, you don't need them.

You give her what you can afford for things she needs. Know that it is not as scary as TV shows portray prisons to be. Mostly they are just really bored. Mine signs up for classes to improve himself and learn things. And he has had jobs there. It gives him a purpose to the day. They make a ridiculously small amount for their work, but it gives them the feeling they are doing something to support themselves and he loved having a purpose to his day. He isn't working now, and he hates it.

Many of them get involved in craft projects. Some places they can actually sell what they make in the visiting room Some prisons let them have all the profit, some take a percentage.

I get him magazines. I contact places to send him catalogs of things he would be interested in having when he gets out.

I sent for a magazine of how to build decks and other things for our home, so he can make plans and dream a bit.

You send her pictures of what's going on in your life. Even if you crunched your car, send a picture of that so she can envision what is going on in her other world she isn't in right now. I send pictures of things like if the neighbors built on to their homes, or a new building in our neighborhood. Just so he feels connected to where he lived.

I ask his advice on things so he feels needed still. I make sure he is still connected to our world here.

We make plans for when he gets out.

These are just some of the ideas that may help you and her. It will give you both something to focus on besides where she is and how sad you all are.

There WILL come a time when you'll stop crying daiy....you'll still have your bad days, but you WILL have good ones, too. Your visits may seem heartbreaking at first, but the day will come when you will be able to sit with your loved one and actually laugh and enjoy each other's company.

Right now you are still in shock. Which is completely normal. But you will find your courage to face this. I promise.

God bless you.

Hi cat, welcome to our group but sorry for the circumstances, you have found great support and understanding here. We do not judge because we are all in the same situation.
My husband has been in federal prison for 10 years now and I'll tell you honestly the pain never leaves you but you will have better days. One of the most important things I have learned is you will find out who your true friends are, the other one who cares!!
I don't have much more advice to give you because the other ladies covered it all. Things will get better and once you get to see her it will help. When I visit I try not to let my husband see me cry, he has enough to worry about so I wait until I leave then I cry. Sometimes that doesn't always work out that way though.
Just remember we are here for questions or if you just need to vent. Sending you prayers and hugs.
Pat

You will find great support here Cat. I know I did during my husbands time in prison.

I cried alot during his time, part of my life was gone and I had no say in the matter. That was the hard part. People making decisions on my life, they still are but that's nothing to do with the prison part that's his community pay back time. You will stop crying though. It begins to feel more "normal", phone calls, letters and visits become routine that you fall into.

You don't have to open up to anyone you don't want to. I didn't speak to anyone about it until it hit the news and people asked questions. Surprisingly the ones I chose not to confide in were the most help.

One day at a time. My husbands mother asked me what she could have done differently to stop this I shrugged. I was brave and asked my husband what could have been done and ge said "nothing. No matter what I probably would have ended up here but would have been sooner if I didn't have a good family". Sometimes its not how we are raised its just who we are.

It takes time but you will hit a point when you wont cry every day some days will be good and others will feel like your back at the start its a bit of a roller-coaster really.
Take it a day at a time or a second at a time whatever is easiest at the time. Keep coming hear its a good place and we dont judge......my love has been out for almost a year now and i still keep coming back!
Hugs.

It's been almost a year already, Suchaslife??? We sure went through a lot together. Sometimes we actually got silly instead of sad. We helped each other and I am so glad you are still on here. And survived that fire too. I am really glad he was home when that happened, so you didn't go through that alone too.

Yep almost a year!! Totally nuts! But so glad his home especially when we had that fire!
We are pretty good at the silly stuff........still waiting for you all to land on the door step!!

Thank you for all your kind responses. Cried reading those too lol but I do feel much better knowing I'm not the only one feeling this way. Thank you all!!

also check out jpay they do these video visits where my guy is through them...its 10 bucks per a half hr at least for where my guy is and you can extend the visit during the visit a popup will pop up and ask if you want to extend your visit....

Stay on here. It will give you a place to go to when you are down. People do help other people on here, or at least we try to. I have been on here over 9 years.. Even when I had no one in. It's a thing I do every morning, every night and sometimes during the day. ( I have no life really except work and see him. HAHA)

You know on here no one will say negative things.

Hi Cat, the state you are in right now is very normal. I started crying from the time I first saw my son in hand cuffs, and didnt stop for a very long time. I cried in the car, the store, at the check out line, you name it. I went to a therapist and was on an antidepressant for a while. The therapy didnt help me, but the antidepressant seemed to.

Now I have good and bad days. It truly is a roller coaster ride. Accepting the ins and outs of this new life has been hard, but its what I now have, so am trying to deal with it. We are creatures of habit, and I believe getting into a routine seems to help.

It helps me to climb one hill at the time. Right now Im in the process of learning the best way to approach the visitation ordeal. Perhaps as time marches along, that will get better too, or at least I wont allow it to bother me as much as it does right now. One baby step at the time.

I wish you and your daughter the best, and want you to know you are not alone. You dont need to talk with anyone about things until you are ready, if at all. People do judge, and there will be changes in your life in that department also. Want you to know too, that even if we have not met you personally, we do care what happens to you.

I have found 2 really good books. "Arrested. What to do when your loved one's in jail" by Wes Denham, and "Family Arrested" By Ann Edenfield. And the people on this site have been a blessing and have helped walk me through the process. Cant get much better help then on here. Ask questions and you will get answers or at the very least you will get support. I have not gotten any negative feedback from telling anyone that my daughter is in prison. But the first question they ask is if it was drug related. And yes it is. Then ususally they have lots of questions about the prison system. And to my surprise people come out of the wood work to write her letters and sen her cards. On 93 year old lady wanted to send her money. I dont think this is common.But I am finding out that there are people I would have never known knows someone who have been incarcerated.

My daughter has been incarnated for 6 months. This is not the first time to jail but is the first time to prison. I am finding you have to be an advocate for your prisoner. Dont expect anyone in the system to help or be honest with you.

As far as the crying. Mine has slowed down some. I dont usually cry everyday anymore. But almost. The frustration and trying to figure things out is still there. It helps me to be her advocate it puts me on a mission gets me focused.

Since my daughters is drug related, I have been learning all I can about opiods and rehab etc. i have also been working on getting involved in prison ministry. All that seems to help me deal with the reality of it all.

Yes do things you would have normally done. It is difficult to do things of a free person knowing she is not free. This will be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas without her. But it will also be our first Thanksgiving and Christmas in a very long time, with daughter who is who she was before the drugs took over. Where we dont have to lock doors and follow her around to make sure she doesnt steal anything. And our first Christmas in a long time where I dont have to make sure I dont buy her anything for her that she will hock for drug money. She is clean! She laughs and loves us not for what she can get from us but for being her family.

God bless you. You are in my prayers.