Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I don't know what to say to him anymore. Its been almost a year he's been gone. We may have two more years to go at least. His 50% time would of been the end of 2015 but they haven't even put him in any of his classes yet.. I've asked him to call every day so that I can hear from him and he has been but lately there's nothing to say. I don't do anything or go anywhere. I work and go to class. We are best friends and we've been in a relationship for 4 years unofficially but made it official two years ago. I try to talk to him but I've run out of things to say. I want him to keep calling but he has noticed I don't know what to say to him even though I try. He doesn't really help with moving the conversation or saying anything. He waits for me to keep it going. I need help. I don't know how to get through this. If he stops calling I will fall apart again. He writes but even that is slow... I've written him 60 letters and he's only sent me 22. Because he has to handwrite his I do understand but he has so much to say to me in letters and he won't talk to me about certain stuff on the phone. I anger him a lot lately and I don't know why. . I feel like I've wronged him somehow... even though I devote all my time to class and working and writing him... I love him dearly... I feel so alone. I feel like I am losing him or something... It hurts so much to love him so much and hear him say he loves me but he won't let me see him and when he's calling now, he has no words.... I need some advise... Please... I'm back to being full of tears and no answers... I just feel so alone... I miss him... I miss the way we are together... I know this frustrates him... It frustrates me too but Im trying to get us both through it... I don't know what else to do to keep us talking... without communication we'll fall apart for sure....
Stop keeping score with your letters, dear. That just puts pressure on him and makes him think he's not able to make you happy. It's not his job to make or keep you happy.
Be an encouraging presence in his life. Make your interactions more about how you can support him, how you can make his time easier, how you can give him peace of mind and strength of heart, not how much you need from him to make you feel better.
Pull back a little and let him fill the space in his way and in his time. You can't live his life and yours, let him see that you can take care of yourself and make him proud of you. You can do this!
There is a whole world out here that we still live in while our loved ones are away. Find something in it that you care about and give some time to that thing- even if at first you hate doing this and want to go home and hide- go do something. Volunteer at a soup kitchen or an animal shelter. Become a literacy tutor at your local library. Find something to do to help someone whose life is even harder than yours. This will change how you see and think about things. It will help you, fill some time, and give you something to talk about with him.
So when he calls talk about the kids your work and whats going on in your class ask his opinion on stuff I bet his just waiting for you to ask for some advice on stuff it will make him feel like you still need him and he can still help you in some way.
Me and my love only talked about that place for a few minutes on our calls unless there was something he really had to tell me otherwise we talked about everything else he sad it really helped him and his po is saying the same thing.
Hang in there
Could he be just a bit upset that he couldn't help you with the kids and just maybe he was hoping thst you would ask his advice on what to do with the kids? His a bit silly for going off at you when you got the gas I wouldn't worry about that.
Mine can't talk about certain things because people are standing right by him. And he knows that the calls are monitored. So think about it. Our calls are pretty much calls that have to be basic information even though he may want to talk to you.
Mine used to write alot when we could only talk once a week, but now that we talk at least 3 times a day, there is really nothing much to write.
Sure I go on and on in letters, just so he feels a part of things, or has mail to pick up when others get mail. It is some sort of status symbol in there. People who get the most mail are looked at differently.
They have to deal with the loss of their normal free life. They have to think what they would be doing. They have to think what they did wrong. They are worried if we aren't handling life well without them, or if things are falling apart here. They are guilty for what they are putting us through, even if they don't say it.
AND they really do nothing, so have nothing to tell us. If WE don't do anything either, the conversation becomes a bit hard to find things to say. We want to hear their voice and imagine them standing there, but if there is nothing to talk about we cut it short and he calls later.
I tell him about neighbors he likes, ones he hates, I tell him about my kids if there is anything going on. I ask his advice how to fix things. Anything to fill up the space of time on the phone.
He certainly finds time to call to get me to look up things or order stuff he needs.
I don't know why he won't let you visit. I do know that some of the guys can't stand having visits because it is so hard to see you go, or leave the room first and know that we are going back out there to a world we are sad in, and they are sad in there.
I do whine in letters sometimes. But sometimes after I write them, I rip them. up. Guess it's just therapy for me.
Oh yes, mine has also went off on me, got mad for things that were ridiculous and made no sense. Probably something else was going on there, but he couldn't react to it so he reacted harsh to you. It makes no sense to us, but they can't even explain sometimes, in fear of being heard.
I think most of them go through these periods. We can't even begin to know how they feel to wake up every day in such an awful place, want to come home so bad, and can't. Miss us so much, but can't do anything about it.
I would be pissed and hurt if mine didn't want me to visit. As it is right now I haven't seen him in months and they are taking forever to decide if I can visit or not. Why, I don't know. That is driving us both crazy. So I bug him to TALK to someone and get my visits. He says in exasperation, I do what I can, but you don't get it. We just can't go walk up to someone's office door, and talk to them. We have to put in a request, then they decide if we get to see them or not. Can't ever see the Warden, can't do any things like you do out there.
Imagine how frustrating every part of their day is. Simple things to us are huge to them. Even getting a phone. Stand in line forever to talk a few minutes. You don't know what the guys are really like in there. Mine says that this time there is nothing but rude thugs and terrible people in there. No respect for anyone else.
I heard how noisy it was one night. OMG if it's like that all the time, no wonder they get cranky.
Mine is finally working to pass the time otherwise his day was very long doing nothing. Sometimes they can't go in their rooms til evening, so they just sit on hard plastic chairs, maybe talking to someone, maybe just staring at a tv they can't hear because of the noise. We never have these kinds of things to deal with.
Imagine getting barely anything to eat, and it's awful. Imagine not being able to just get a snack when you want. Or take an aspirin when you need it without requesting to see a nurse.
Trying to put it in perspective for you.
I think most of them get like this in there, at least a few times. I know I worry all the time if he calls twice instead of 3 times a day that I am losing him, or he got hurt or sick, or he died. You get really paranoid when what normal routine we can have with them is interrupted.
They resent everything about where they are and what is happening to them. And maybe just for a moment, he even resent the fact you could be out in a car, you could go wherever you want to be. It's silly and unfair, but we aren't in their shoes.
When I can't find anything to write about, I copy articles from the paper he might like to know about. I send ideas of what we can do when he gets out, where we can live, etc.
Ya gotta get creative to get through this.
I have to admit, I don't have as much sympathy or patience as some of you appear to have for your men. I did initially, but as time has passed (16 months so far), I have had a change of heart. I still love Adam and I am sorry he is going through this, but I also have come to think that his poor decisions and careless actions put us where we are. So if he is unhappy, lonely, stressed, bored, anxious, whatever- that's his cross to bear. I guess I am lucky because Adam is never unkind, withdrawn, or anything like that. He is always, always humble and grateful that I am waiting this out and staying with him. I think my attitude may have contributed to this attitude. I never talk about what happened or try to instill any shame or blame- I told him months ago that I forgive him, and I do- but I wouldn't tolerate the kinds of things others here tolerate. I wouldn't stay with a man who treated me badly while I was waiting for him to be released from prison. A bad day here or there, yes, but no visits? Or ongoing disrespect? Why should I subject myself to that kind of treatment?
I am not trying to make anyone here feel bad or upset. If I have, I am sorry. I just want to put out there that no one has any excuses or really good reasons to treat anyone else badly- especially us! We're going through hell and we're committed to the people who brought us here. We deserve to be treated with love and kindness.