Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
I'm going to try to sum up the living hell of the situation I'm currently in without turning this into a huge novel. Apologizing in advance if this is lengthy!
About two and a half weeks ago, my boyfriend of the last 2.5 years got picked up on a warrant he had for missing a court date back in February.. (Last June, he got in trouble at his job for doing something at his job but I'll spare those details.)
He originally was supposed to stay in over the weekend and see a judge the following Monday to get his new court date and be released.. unfortunately it didn't exactly go that way.. the judge set his bail ridiculously high without any 10% option so he's stuck in there until at least his next court date end of Sept.
This whole thing is his first offense.. because of that, he's eligible to apply for some pretrial intervention thing, which would basically wipe away his charges, and just give him probation for a set amount of time which would be great.. but because he has a drug problem (that's another thing I found out too - he's actually be sniffing heroin for the past 4 years and has had a much bigger problem then I ever knew or was told about) his public defender had him apply to some 90 day drug program the jail offers which he started last week. Everything is still up in the air, as far as what is going to happen to him.
Originally we were told after that he could be facing up to 180 days in there (much better than the 3-5 years the charges could have brought) but we are still hoping he will get approved for the PTI thing and get out in the meantime. Since he started this drug program though, he may have to finish out the whole thing which means he wouldn't be free until end of November around Thanksgiving.
Before he started the drug program, he was at least able to call me pretty often and I was able to go see him throughout the week, but now that he's in his drug program, the phone calls are a lot less frequent because his day is a lot more structured and scheduled for him, and visiting is only on the weekend.
I really am happy that he's the program, he needs the structure and I could tell already that this is going to be very beneficial to him, and him finally getting back on his feet to start his life over. He really seems like a new person, and he seems full of life again with color in his face and big wide eyes.. he's been clean for 17 days now (the longest he's been drug free in years.) I think this whole situation has been the rock bottom that he needed to hit.
As happy as I am, that this whole thing was a bit of a blessing in disguise, I'm still having a hard time dealing with him being gone. I've been with him for the past two and a half years, and he really is the love of my life and my best friend. I saw him pretty much every single day, and we would always be in contact with each other. I just feel really really alone in all of this, and there's a lot of adjustments to try to get used to all at once.
I can't even begin to tell you how much of a problem I have with my mom now because of it.. she basically is kicking me out if I don't break up with him.. she attacked me last weekend as well so we're still not even speaking.. stress on top of more stress.
Every morning I wake up, wondering how I'm gonna make it through the next three months or so without him being around. I am trying to remind myself daily that this is a good thing but it's still hard. Would kill to just hug him. :(
If anybody has any advice on how to handle this, I would really appreciate it.
The emotions you're experiencing are normal. I'm on the countdown with my fiancée, we have 100 days left. It's not an easy battle and you will miss him and want him around more often than you don't. Thankfully he has found positivity in a place that can be so negative.
One thing that has helped throughout our year sentence is writing. He doesn't write much but I write him often. I visit every weekend since he's less than a hour away and he can only get visits on the weekend. Depending on your system and budget phone calls can get expensive and so can visits. But a few stamps and envelopes is reasonable for most.
As far as your mom, unfortunately parents come off wrong sometimes. There are some parents in here who will tell you that your mom wants what's best, and to them waiting for someone who is in jail in not the best. Now you obviously accept the good and bad but parents don't see that because they want you to have only good. Explain to mom how you feel. Try. If nothing comes of it then find a different solution.
3 months will fly by. You'll be bringing him home to freedom in no time!
Positive vibes and prayers to you and him through this difficult journey!
Second to piggyback what ladyjay said , I am a mom of a 22 year old son, so yes we want the best for our children in all aspects of life as we work(ed) very hard to give you a better life than we had! So when choosing a mate the first one that comes in our mind isn't someone locked up because usually nothing good comes from it ; however that's not to say that people can't be rehabilitated and turn their lives completely around for the good, it's just rare and few and far between.
Third you say you've been with him 2.5 years and he's been an addict for 4 years? How did you not know this? Addicts are always on the move for their next fix, trust me I speak from experience. Which brings me to say are you ready/willing/able to be with him with his addiction? It's never going to go away and unfortunately more times than often they really have to hit rock bottom to want to be clean for life. I'm not criticizing/bashing him because my fiance is in for his addiction. Some s**t went down in his life and he spiraled out of control and fell real hard, he's been in for 5 yrs and we have 10 more to go so when he comes home he has to be clean, not only for us but if he doesn't he'll go back in and die in there and he doesn't want that. So like I said I get the addiction part you just have to ask the tough questions of making sure he goes to rehab, staying away from people who could possibly trigger a relapse and all kinds of other variables that are going to come with it. One more thing and I'll take my mom hat off I promise, I don't know how old you are but maybe it's simply time for you to become into your own and find a place of your own, plus as my bestie told me PO's like to see that when they come home it's a good/stable/loving environment!
Just food for thought...Good luck!
Last summer a lot of weird things started happening, and I just had a feeling that something was up with him.. had that gut instinct. He finally came clean to me that he had a drug problem, but we went along with a friends advice and told me he was doing pain pills instead.. I am completely against drugs.. in no way my making excuses for him, but he was really ashamed and afraid to tell me.
After he came clean to me last year, him and his friend, who is also a recovering drug addict, were planning on really focusing on getting him clean, going to meetings and all.. and all along my bf insisted that he was clean and hadn't done anything.. we got into a huge fight earlier this year and weren't speaking for a week.. he confessed to me that he did relaspe one night but he assured me whenever i asked him that he hadn't done anything since that one time.. had feelings but he would always deny it.. had no proof and I thought it was just me worrying for nothing and being neurotic. Whenever I saw him (with the exception of maybe two times) he always seemed completely normal. I even said that to him - i even said to him after he got arrested, like how did you hide it so well from me? Clearly had no idea. But he needed the drug to even feel normal in the first place.
I posted on another board, and everybody is telling me to break up with him, and that he is never going to change.. and that I'm enabling him because he's able to get away with lying to me. :\
This is all making my heart hurt.
A little back story on me is I've been friends with mine for almost 7 years. We broke up and got back together 1/2016. I was telling the world my happiness the first time around and got called desperate/crazy/dumb and whatever else I was for loving him! So this time I say nothing to nobody except on here and my bestie which I met on this board. I'm not ashamed of him just like I said most people just don't understand.
So it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and he's lucky to have you and of course that's a super good thing!!
From a posting on that other board, everybody was so negative snd quick to say that he's not going to stay clean and he's not going change and when he gets out he's not going to be the same, and I don't really know the real him because he was on drugs. And that I'm weak for staying with him and no other woman would do that and that if he's going through this rehab program they're going to tell him that relationships are frowned upon for the first year when you're trying to be sober and he's going to break up with me and all this nonsense which was starting to all get to me.
Before this all happens, a future with my boyfriend was not something that I ever had to wonder about or even questioned . But something hit a nerve with me after reading those replies which got me to worrying a little bit that from us not seeing each other as much (only with visiting for 30 mins on the weekends) and only talking to him for a few mins a day that we might grow apart a bit.. The thought of going thru feeling this way and things not working in the end makes me even more sad to think. I always thought this would probably bring us closer together but having that tiny little bit of doubt now sucks. :(
When you call him don't talk about the situation. You are there to remind him of the prize waiting for him when you get out. You are his motivation. If you afraid of your future with him tell him how much he means to you and how much you love. Talk about things that make him and y'all happy, don't talk about the situation. Make the little things bring joy to you. The sound of his voice on the short phone call. The memories that come to mind. The topic of conversation you have. His face when you see him. Make him smile. You remember to smile. Let your hope be bigger than that little doubt you have. You are strong. I am praying for you bunches and God is with you. I thought about you all day today!!
Matthew 17:20
Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."
On another note, a called me with some news the other day when I was at work which got me pretty freaked out about.. one of the guys who finished up the program last week who my Bf was friends with wound up overdosing like 4 days after he got out.. he was only 22, so sad to think.
90 days is nothing, I wish my fiance only had to do 90 days.
As far as me not knowing that my boyfriend was doing drugs/sniffing heroin, I really had no clue why he was doing. Last year he came clean to me that he had a drug problem but he never got into the actual extent of it any kept assuring me that he hadn't done anything even though I had feelings that something wasn't right.. drug attic's have a way of manipulating anything.
In the 2 1/2 years that we've been together, there was only two or three times that I could think of where I saw him and I thought something was up with him in his behavior. Every other day he seemed completely normal. He was to the point that he needed the drug to even feel fine. :( I could understand why he would be ashamed to admit that to me, but it's still just has a pretty shitty feeling to know I was lied to for so long and kept in the dark. I'm completely against drugs, so I can understand why he didn't want to tell me, (he was afraid that he was going to lose me.. etc)