Mine has had 10 DUI's and he didn't get accepted for drug court. The definition for drug court in our state is when a person has had several DUI's and has not rehabilitated from prison before. That is exactly what he has been like, and still they didn't accept him. Makes you wonder what they really are judging it on. There is no good explanation to what they do.

I am sure your guy, like mine doesn't want this life. Doesn't choose to be the way he is. It is out of their control. Mine is bipolar/manic depressive. Drugs work for awhile, or they don't work, just make him sick. He stops taking them, and it starts all over. The other day the psychiatrist called him in to the office to ask how he is doing without the med's. He said FINE.. he is not fine. Has been locked up since July, totally agitated all the time, and this so called professional agrees with him he is OK??

These people clearly do not care or want to get them rehabilitated. They don't want to make sure prisons have enough space for the true criminals.

I have found for years now that it isn't what they did, or if they need help, or if they are innocent. It is what lawyer you have and if you can afford the best one, and how long you can keep paying. If they get the right judge, who knows your lawyer, and all those factors. It is unfair, but it is the way it is.

Getting a lawyer won't help, if he isn't one of the highest paid lawyers, known by the judge. I was told once by a high buck attorney, in those circumstances, IF you pay the price, anyone can get off. Well, most of us can't. SO don't beat yourself up for what you can't do to help him.

He wouldn't want you to freeze to pay a lawyer, or lose the house, or a place to live. He wouldn't want you to suffer.

I don't blame my fiance, I blame society for allowing the justice system to be this way.

You will miss him alot. You just have to learn to channel your energies in other directions or you won't get through this. AND since he will need you to be strong, he will encourage you to do things to make it through this. This will help him too.

The system is not set up for success. I took Criminal Justice classes to understand how they operate. My very first chapter said the justice system is flawed, they know that, and probably won't change it.

You would think with so many of us out here seeing that, we would have a huge amount of people to fight them, and fight keeping this corrupt, and unfair justice system in existence. But they set that up too, so we don't even have a leg to stand on. This is not only ruining lives, but costing the taxpayers money.

BUT is it? Even in my text books it says prisons are a money making industry. It puts money into the local economy of where the prisons are. From employing staff for them, to the money spent on things needed in the prisons, to the money we spend when visiting and the money we give them for canteen. They purposely do not feed them enough, and feed them garbage so they have to spend OUR money that we can't afford, just to not starve.

Is there anything you can do? Probably not. We all have wracked our brains for years thinking about that.

What you can do is keep writing and talking to him, visit if you can, as often as you can, if possible. Keep him informed of all that is going on out in the world he was in til they put him there. Send pictures, get him subscriptions to magazines if allowed. Keep him as busy as you can.

Boredom in those places is terrible. It is what makes angry men do bad things.

I ask for his advice on things at home, like fixing something on the house or the car. Where to take the car to to fix it, how to fix a plumbing problem. Make him see he is still needed. And that his advice helps you. Keep him feeling like he matters. They tend to make them feel useless and like a terrible person when in prison.

Make sure you find something every day to write to him. Letters are their link to this world out here. Sometimes I clip out articles from the local paper and copy them, to send. Things he would be interested in about news in our area.

He does crafts there like many do. It is expensive sometimes to set it all up, get the essential things needed for him to do them. But it not only fills his time, gives him a purpose to his day, but he actually sells them, and makes money for canteen, therefore helping him feel he is contributing to my life by not needing me to send much money, buying his own things, like a real person. He even sends money home to me sometimes. AND people praise him for how beautiful the things he makes are.

Prisons will tear them down every way they can. They need the ego boost.

It is important to learn the fine line of what to tell them, and gauge their mood at the time something comes up. You figure out if they need to know it and if they can handle whatever it is. If they are in a depressed mood, just avoid the topics that will upset them.

They will be in good moods sometimes, glad to talk to us, then sometimes for no reason it seems, they are angry at us. They are not angry at us. It is where they are, the people they are with and at themselves for what they did to our life and what they did to get in a place like that. It is that they are missing life because of something they chose to do in a moment of stupidity.

Men don't like to admit they did wrong, or they did something stupid in many cases. Who does?

Mine likes to sleep non stop to make the days go away. Some places they can't even go to their rooms til later in the evening. They are trapped in a room with MANY people they would normally not even associate with. They have no privacy, they have no time to feel like themselves. They have to be on guard all the time, even though it may not ever be dangerous, they never know who to trust.

The guards may be ok, some are not. This all contributes to their moods, as it would for us too. Heck, I would just cry the whole time. And they can't show that weakness.

They go to the caseworkers or the guards for answers they need, they get none. They don't have a good life at all. Prisons aren't supposed to be good, but they supposedly are there to rehabilitate. Not true.

Mine has very few friends. Sticks to himself. BUT he always finds one guy that he trusts with my number in case he gets sick and can't call, or ends up in the hole. And he helps some guys there too if they can't get on a phone and need their person contacted. You learn to pick and choose who you talk to and trust.

If your guy is like mine, there is no fixing things for him. You try and try and they still do what they do. There is no guilt on my part that he is in there. I know I moved heaven and earth to help him. When you realize that, it will be easier for you. I feel bad he is there. But I look at it like things had gotten so out of control with him, the things he was doing to our relationship were deal breakers for most people. But I didn't give up on him numerous times. I just know that he needed to be arrested, he needed to sit and think what he did, why he did it, and that he does need to ask for help. Until then, he will fail again and again. What he was acting like was not his choice, it was going off med's and thinking he was ok.

He has been more miserable this time than all the other 4 times since I knew him. I hate that he went through that so far, but maybe he needs to feel that way. Maybe THIS TIME it will make him think when he gets out.

He needs ongoing counseling now, which they aren't doing, and when he comes home. I am going to try to talk to the PO before he gets out to see if she will MAKE him go to counseling as part of his probation, that she does check on him more. The others never did so he knew he wouldn't get caught for a long time if ever.

I have to have some guarantees, feel someone is helping him be accountable and responsible.

Mine is smart and talented. The mental health issues just make him do the things he does. And no one makes him keep going to therapy.

You will miss him every day he is gone. The key is to get over the first part where you want to lay in bed all day and cry or sleep the time away. That will come eventually.

You have to learn first to force yourself to keep busy. It becomes easier eventually. WE didn't do this. WE can't change it. So we must go out there in the world and just find a way to make some of our days happier.

Don't just focus all day every day on how much you miss him, or you will lose everything including your mind. Focus on making your life the best you can. If you have kids and grandkids, focus on them. If you have a hobby, do it, in excess. Do something you feel good doing. Volunteer with kids or the elderly, paint your home, something to make you feel you are accomplishing something other than making it through the day with less tears.

If you work on projects, go see some friends or family, go to a concert, go to a pretty place, don't feel guilty. Take pictures and let him see what you have been doing, where you have been. They truly live through our experiences.

Mine actually got interested in reading novels. He read 6 in 2 weeks while locked up 23.5 hours a day, with 2 other guys in a tiny cell. Sometimes he finds a good book, and tells me the name and I read it. It's a cute thing he does. He wants me to read it too, so we are doing the same thing " together". We watched the New Years Eve ball drop, " together" a couple times when he was allowed to stay up that late on New Years Eve. Little things become essential to their existence, and ours.

You are smart to be on here. I have been for over 8 years. MIne has been in 5 times I think since I met him, and my son has been in a couple times. This is a good place to find people who won't judge you or him, and will understand. Others on the outside of all this won't ever.

I hope some of this helped.

Thank you for all that. He has been in county since Sept 5th of last year. He's got until first of June on the present case but we have 4 more cases behind it. I do send him books and magazines. His mom and I faithfully give him money every week. I write him often and the kids and I visit every week. I try to always be positive when we are there. I will start adding things from the newspaper and such as you suggested. I hadn't thought of that. We are currently reading the Game of Thrones series together.

He is trying everything he can to go back to DOC for exact reasons you mentioned. He is bored to death and there is no way he can help support himself in county. So far they have denied sending him. Luckily I live in a prison town so we are hoping if they do grant it he will literally be in DOC right down the road from us. An amazing blessing, I know...if it happens.

My husband has Borderline Personality Disorder and is unmedicated. I spent a very long year putting him through CBT myself. It was hard but we did it and I'm not even sure he knows I did it. I have a degree in Forensic Psychology but as you said...text books don't always give you all the answers.

I know the system is broken and everyone is exploited..it still makes me angry and yes I do know there isn't a thing I can do about it. He did tell me during our visit today that a lawyer won't help.

This isn't our first go around. He did a 10 year bit previously. I guess I am still so angry that we are here again. Things had been going well and I really had begun to hope we were done with this song and dance. He just one day started using again and it was all over. Same old routine again. He tries so hard to do things the right way but he can't take stress very well and he falls back to old fail safes which always land him back in prison. Maybe I dropped my guard....I didn't watch close enough for the signs. I don't know.

I know what you mean about deal breakers. My parents want me to divorce him. His mom has no idea why I stay...but I'm not going anywhere. I love him just as he is and no matter how hard it is it's better then not being with him at all.

I do need to get my house organized. I would like to update the paint and such. I love to quilt so I could start doing that again...as soon as I unbury my sewing room of course. I just started back to school for my MBA. I have plenty to keep me busy. I just need to change my focus.

The upside to all this is he is clean and getting back to healthy. For that I am incredibly grateful. He was using pretty heavily at the time of his arrest so I am determined to see this as God's way of saving his life.

Thank you again for taking the time to type all that out. I am grateful for all the helpful and supportive people on here. It's nice to have someone who understands.

You're welcome. I found so many people on here that gave me advice, or just came on to check on me. Means alot.

I am home sick today. Losing money. I don't care. He actually called several times yesterday, to see how I was. He is worried. Then my phone minutes were sucked up, I didn't know it. He was trying to call all day Saturday. He got to see what it's like to wait, wonder and worry. He did finally start being more worried about me than himself. He started to emerge as that person I loved for so long.

Being bi polar or any of those disorders does affect their lives and ours too. Yes mine is doing ok right now without drugs, but is very agitated. I again, the other day begged him to get back on them. Stress in there is driving him nuts, but out here they have ways to relieve the stress through the methods they did to get them in there.

I am glad to hear you have ideas of what you can do to get yourself through some of the days. I have those too. Just lately I don't do any of them. Being sick and working long hours takes away my ambition. I will get to it more in the Spring. The winter weather is depressing too.

Take baby steps through this. And make sure you are taking care of you too. We tend to concentrate only on their needs. Finally mine is concerned about ME, but I can betcha today when he finds out I called in sick, if he is in a MOOD he will be angry or worried about the money first. I better talk like I am dying.. haha.

I would just once like to put the weight of the world that we experience while they are IN, on him. He had to work a few weeks without me working, and he thought that was terrible. HAHA I do it every single time he messes up and goes back in. Sometimes I think he subconsciously chooses to mess up to go back in to avoid the stresses of daily life. I don't think he plans it, but his mind takes over. THEN he gets there and thinks Oh crap, I remember how awful this is.

Try to have a good day.