Hello... I wrote a whole bunch and it just vanished from the screen, so I will try again, since it sounds like you need someone to tell you from their experiences something about what you might be able to do, and how it is normal for you, and for him to feel the way you do.

Ok, my son, and my fiance have been in prison a few times. TOOO MANY.

When my son first got in big trouble he was 17, so he went to a boys ranch type thing. I thought that was scary until he got in worse trouble and landed in prison for four years. That was awful. I cried at home, cried in the car, cried at work and everywhere. When I went to see him I bawled walking in, bawled as I saw him sitting there waiting for me. He would laugh at me, and try to lighten the mood. I missed him so much, it was devastating to think as a mom I failed in some way. Yet, I knew I had tried everything possible to stop him from what he was doing.

He was in solitary for 11 days for some bogus thing they later said they knew he didn't do but were not going to prove it to stop him from going to solitary. He was very depressed in there. He said he cried a lot.

My fiance, has been in prison over and over again for DUI's and probation violations. He is much older than my son, of course and should know better by now, but don't. He is 53, son is now 34, and doing great, has a family.. lots of kids, a nice home, and struggling to have his own business. Being a felon seems to make it hard for him to get good jobs.

Once, my fiance was in solitary for 139 days. Just awful. He said he cried all of the time. But found peace when he slept, or read books they brought to him from the library. He even read romance novels.

I wrote to him all of the time. Every day. I copied things from the newspaper that he might be interested in. I found many things to discuss with him, or show him through the articles. We couldn't send the paper so I copied them. If there was a big accident in our area, I sent the info on it. I sent him a magazine subscription. I wrote to him and had him tell me his wish list of what he wanted to do when he got out.

He only got out 30 minutes a day IF the guards remembered to let him out. In that time he had to shower, shave, if he wanted to, go to the bathroom and call me. It was awful. But he said it gave him a lot of time to sort things out and think. Unfortunately he went in two more times after that.

They will get moody, they will be depressed and so will you be. That is normal. My god when you think how they must live and feel. And that is depressing to us too. And he feels awful for making you feel sad.

Plus the added terrible thing of his dad dying the way he did. I am sure he is angry, he is wondering how he could do that to you and him, and wondering if he did something wrong, or could of helped his dad somehow. He will need a therapist to get through it, if they will get him one.

He needs to know you feel sad and angry at his dad too, if you do feel angry. He needs to know those feelings are so normal in that circumstance.

When did his dad do it? How old was your son? How old is he now? How long is he in prison?

Age definitely plays a factor in their ability to comprehend the situations and figure out how to handle it. But being older we still would have problems dealing with a suicide.

Go to the visits even if he don't talk. He knows you are there. And sooner or later he will talk. He will be glad that you are giving him the time to be with you, even if he just can't say anything. Maybe he is afraid he will lash out in anger and get in trouble, or cry , and be embarrassed.

You should tell him about my fiance. He was 50 when he was in solitary those 139 days and he cried every single day. But he used the time to think about his life. It was awful... no doubt about that. But he kept busy writing a journal, reading, writing to me. Encourage him to write a journal to keep busy and keep track of his days and nights and how it felt in solitary and tell him to read it later after he is out. It might help him somehow.

My fiance has been in again over almost 2 years. He has 5 months left. And he was home 10 months only after being in 3.5 years. So yea I am upset he is back in. I am depressed, and am struggling financially, emotionally, and have a ton of problems to deal with alone.

Mostly he is being great now, except for today. He has his crabby moments, gets awful with me. But can't lash out at anyone else, so I get it, I guess. Not easy, makes me mad and sad, but if I were there, I would be just awful, and a wreck.

I know you are mad at him for whatever he did, but maybe say something in a letter that the anger can wait because you are more sad that you are without him, and that he is miserable now, than mad. That the anger will dissipate in time. But you will continue to miss him til he is home. That he is suffering enough, and you won't show any anger towards him, he is paying for it all on his own with this. And that is enough punishment.

I won't go on all night, especially about the prisons and justice system. Basically my thoughts are most of the guards, are just as bad as the men in the prisons, they get away with so much. Cops do things to coerce people into admitting guilt when they may not be. Courts don't really want to find out the truth, the DA's want to WIN their case regardless if the person is guilty or innocent. The justice system is corrupt, evil and needs to be changed, but never will be.

The corrections departments want people to re offend and go back in. It is a money making industry. I took criminal justice classes and the book even said so. I took CJ classes to know what they could and couldn't do and their motives, and how to fight them. Not why most people take those classes. I spent thousands to learn about them for our purposes, not to work in the justice system. I will owe those thousands til I die, but some of it really helped my fiance. I got to know how to approach a problem with them, and what they can and can't do that most people don't know. I wish I had kept more of the papers I wrote. But didn't.

Do you have any of the photos he took? Maybe you could tell him you are going to try to get some published. You could actually check into it. If he is good enough maybe check with an art gallery that likes to show local talent. Sure he couldn't be there to see it, but you could take pictures of his work on their walls.

Go to a concert that he would like, so you can tell him all about it.

I think there are ways to reconnect with him and get him alive again. He feels dead, sad, lost and confused right now, and who wouldn't in this horrible way of being imprisoned. How long will he be in that type of place? Won't he get out into a more normal prison unit soon?

My fiance has been in and out of prison at least 4 times since we met 16 years ago. My son was in prison 4 years, and was in the workhouse and a boys home before that. I do have some experience in experiencing this awful stuff. Ask me anything you want. There are lots of people on here that will respond to you also.

I wish you some peace, and some good days. I know it will be hard to think that you should have good days while he is miserable, but he wants that. He feels guilty enough about how sad he has made you. So have a life, for you, and for him. And for something you can write to him about and talk to him about. It may be what he needs to come out of his cloud of sadness and anger to the point he isn't able to verbalize anything to you.

Ask if you can send him magazines, or maybe art books or art tablets he could draw stuff he would like. It may be the way he can express his feelings and work through this.

These are just some ideas. Been there, done that. And to this day, I still cry, so that is normal too.

I sure wish I could just make you feel better. I send you hugs, and love from one woman who hurts to another.

I logged on this morning because my son who is serving 8 years had a horrible day yesterday. This is the place I come for support. I read your post and then Ihatewisc reply.

My son has been in solitary and he said it was horrible. Being locked in a tiny cell 21+ hours a day is miserable. My son was beaten unconscious on Christmas Eve by two inmates. He woke up in solitary on Christmas Day. He had only been at this prison a few weeks. He's very young and the older prisoners decided to pick on him. Luckily he recovered and they moved him to a different area of the prison. While in Solitary he said the only thing that kept him sane was reading. If your son can get some kind of reading material that may help.

I think IhateWisc gave wonderful, great advice. She has helped me too on this sad day. I cry all the time. When I see a young boy and his mother in the grocery store, when I walk through the boys department in a department store, when he calls and says he cannot stand one more day in there, holidays, mornings, nights, etc. It's just a painful, painful experience. My son has never been in trouble. He was 18 when he was accused of messing around with a girl while she was too intoxicated to have given him consent. No sex was involved but they still gave him 10 years. He's only been in a few months.
I hope you can find some things that bring you joy and focus on those a little more each day. Then share those with your son. But, I agree that the anger, etc needs to be dealt with in whatever way necessary. Stuffing emotions will never solve them. I am into yoga and a great and wise teacher told me that "our issues live in our tissues". If we don't deal with our issues they will cause health problems. I truly believe this. Hopefully you can find someone to talk to that you trust and then as you heal and grow you can help your son heal and grow.

Sending you love and peace.

The thing is, you have to start going things even when you don't feel like it. For awhile the first few times, I just laid in bed all day and cried. I would go for long walk and cry... I was making myself sick. I took pills to sleep the days away. It was so unhealthy. And it wasn't helping them or me.

Then I started forcing myself to do things. Little things like mow the yard, or go somewhere, even if I didn't need anything at a store. I started watching movies that were funny to escape from the thoughts of them in prison. At one time BOTH were in at the same time. I would drive to see one in the morning in MN and one in the afternoon in Wisconsin. My whole day was a blur of miles and miles of driving and seeing them for a short time.

I had lost my job at one point, so I really did nothing. But I made myself do things. I painted rooms in my house, I visited an elderly neighbor man who kind of adopted me and checked on me sometimes. We enjoyed each other's company for a few minutes, then I went back to my lonely world.

I eventually moved to an apartment, away from the memories of what we had planned to do there. I found a wonderful little town that I could sit on the dock, there was a lake in front of my apartment. I sat on my deck and watched boats, and cried some because it was his passion to go boating and fishing. But this town had stores right down the block, it had festivals, and lots of events in the spring and summer so there was always something to see and walk to. I still cried because he couldn't enjoy it with me, but it was a better place for me. I found a nice older lady who became my friend. We spent hours a day together, and that helped too.

We can either sit here waiting for them and be miserable, or find ways to make our days better, and our people in prison love to hear about it, and live vicariously through our experiences. What kind of interesting call would it be for them if we had done nothing, so nothing to tell them?

Even now, me and my fiance are making plans to move, so it gives him something for him and me to talk about and plan for. We discuss places I have looked at, I send him pictures of them. Then he hounds me to find out what is happening if I am negotiating about one.

You can find things to involve them with, so they still feel a part of their normal life. They love feeling that their advice is needed by us, and appreciated. They like to add their input. Otherwise they have nothing they get to decide on in there.

I ask mine about car problems, he will even have me take pictures of the darn car part after I have found out what it is, and had it fixed. Sometimes he can tell by what it's doing what I need fixed, and that makes him feel a bit more in control of the situation and that I won 't be taken advantage of by the auto repair place.

When I go get my oil changed, they will check the whole car over and print out what they have seen that may be a problem. The place is pretty reliable, but he likes to see what they say and he can tell if I may need to do something about these things before I have a problem. That also makes him feel he is helping me before a problem exists and that the car is safe, and so am I.

He had taken auto technician classes so he does know about cars.

When I have had electrical problems with our home, I tell him what is going on. All he can do is maybe guess what it could be. He has had some experience with wiring, but can't really tell everything without being here. So he tells me who to contact that I can have look at the problem.

There might be some things your son can help you figure out too, and it will sure make him feel like he is helping in some small way.

The point is keep them involved in your life. They need to feel useful because in prison they really have no purpose to the day but to survive it and get through more days. And these things you ask them for help about will make them feel human and needed.