Welcome to the group, you have come to a good place for support. I would call the prison and ask to speak to his classification officer. This will be the best start, every state is different so it is hard to say what their policies are where you live unless you find someone on here in your state. I am in Florida, by the way things are going for you, it does not sound like that is where you are.

Welcome to the group. Stick with this group and you will find great support. I have found that things take time with processing once the guys go in, so what we are told may not happen in the time frame. Give it a week or so and if need to call and talkt o his program worker. I hate to say it but first thing us ladies (and supporters) need to learn is that the system has no care or concern for us-much less our lvoed ones on the inside. So educated yourself on the system in your state, the rules for the prison, and look to the group for support. Focus on you and that baby so your guy has some healthy family to come home to. :)

Kategause: I tried to do that the other day but was not allowed to speak with her personally. One officer was helpful enough to run down the paperwork to my husband again because he had forgotten to include my date of birth and that was the reason for the delay, but could not guarantee I would be granted immediate visitation and might have to wait for the paperwork in 2-3 weeks like everyone else. Still no active vistor's list every day when I call to check so I have resigned myself to thinking I may just have to wait.

And to both of you, thanks for the welcome. It's already clear to me that no one at these facilities care about us at all, even those who show a little sympathy still will not do much to help you. At least in CT where I am, they seem to not care about rehabilitating inmates, just causing them misery & wanting them to keep coming back. I am doing my best to focus on myself and our baby and support my husband in these first few weeks, I know he is having a much more difficult time than me but I still feel like a prisoner too! Just not behind bars like him.

Welcome to this group, but sorry you have the situation that makes you like us, needing a group. It is a good thing though, ask them all. And I have been on here 8 or 9 years. Many many good friends on here. Faceless friends, that we may or may not ever meet, but have more in common with each other than with people we have known all of our lives. We can console each other, we can advise each other, because we ARE going through these things everyone describes or we have gone through it. I am here forever it seems because at first my son and fiance were in at the same time. Then one would get out, the other one would go back in for awhile. Try that one. A real emotional roller coaster. You get mad at them a bit for doing the stuff they did, you get mad at the system because you feel they are unfair. You wait and wait and wait to find out what will happen to them.

Eventually they go to these places where the qualifications to work there is be a jerk, an ass, an inhumane individual. No human compassion for the guys or those of us who love them. For better or worse.

I don't have conditional love for people. I love them completely. I don't like what they did maybe, I think it was foolish, or maybe sometimes they really got set up or just plain screwed over by the cops and courts. BUT we go through this. We cry, we pace, we feel sick inside, we feel like we lost part of ourselves, and our life as we know it. And we have for a little while. No matter if they get 6 months or 6 years, we all suffer for them the same.

We miss the daily things that didn't seem a big deal when they were home. We even miss the not so great times, such as arguments. A real life, that's what we are deprived of.

You will especially have a hard time now. It's the darn holidays, and those are REALLY hard to get through if you let yourself keep thinking about how he is in there, how sad he is he can't be out for Christmas, being with everyone he loves. BUT for the most part our people put themselves in there by something foolish. The ones that didn't do anything and are in there, that's really awful.

I hate shopping anyway, but at Christmas, everyone is out spending a fortune they can't afford, to buy a ton of presents for people they love that may not like what they bought, or don't need anything much. But the point is the gift of giving to others or something. I want THEM to give me the gift of my guy back. I want them to give my life back. BUT we just wait some more.

Advice for Christmas it just go, do your family thing, TRY not to think about him for that day or those hours. Try just being you with your family you grew up with and love. Try not making it just about him all the time. For a few hours, a few minutes. Let yourself free your brain of the sadness.

Today I was emotionally just messed up again. He has been reeeally crabby, and then I lost my job last night. I just couldn't be in the house anymore crying or pacing, thinking and being scared. So I walked over to my elderly neighbors who love me and I love being around them. They make me laugh, he is hysterically funny. A bit of dementia is hitting him, but it makes him even funnier. I needed that. I needed them. Find something that distracts you. Give yourself a break from the sadness. I have learned to, but not all the time it works. SOMETIMES is better than constant sadness.

Can you send him anything like order him something out of the catalogs where they can buy things to use or wear there? If so, order him sweats, or a checkerboard set, or whatever they have in the catalog he might like. Order it for him in a few days so it gets to him by Christmas. Usually the prisons have a catalog with the prison approved items. We can't wrap the stuff, but at least they get a present.

Where he is right now, he can't have anything sent but letters. I sent books from amazon but they sent them to my home. Nope in that prison can't have a thing. Most can have lots of things that are approved. Problem for us is, we bought this stuff before, and before and before. He has been in 4 times since I knew him. Had to buy the sweats, the tv, the radio, the alarm clock, and underwear etc. OVER and over again.

I send him copies of pictures, in color, if he can't have over a certain amount of actual photos. I copy them on nicer paper, and make a makeshift picture album with family and friend's pic's. Brings a little of home to them.

While you are waiting for the approval of your visit application, know that it always takes longer than they say because I think they purposely just sit on it. Somehow it's good to make us suffer too.

So figure out little projects to do for him that are ok with them. It makes you feel in some way you are helping him get through it. It keeps you busy, not pacing and fretting about when will they approve me. Believe me, I haven't been able to see mine in months. He is in a place I can't visit because we aren't married or related, and I have been with him 15 years.

The baby is a good thing to occupy your time, but you can also take lots of pictures of the baby to send to him. Doing this will make you feel good, because it will thrill him and make his day. We find ways to make our days go better, and ways to get them through it.

I had to wait a year once to see him. It was awful. I thought I would die. Then the time came I could apply, they took another month. I think on purpose.

One you are able to finally see and touch him you will feel better. Just hang in there. And for the record you are serving his sentence too, just in a different way than he is , so do not ever think you are being foolish for feeling the way that you do

First of all congrats on your baby! Secondly welcome.

I appreciate that your husband wanted to not stress you. However, not knowing and not being a part of what is going on puts more stress on you. Of course being a man he does not understand. He had good intentions, but caused you to sit in the car not knowing. And yes the lawyer should have a little more prompt in notifying you.

With that said please remember you are going through a very stressfull situation. Having a baby is very stressfull and emotional even being with your husband. So without him there you have double the stress.

Not sure what your family support is but if you have it take it. Surround yourself with friends and family.

You have a higher calling now. As much as you miss and love your husband, you have an infant that needs you. All of you. Your baby will feel the stress.

Just dont be hard on yourself. Dont feel like you have to be superwoman. As a woman you have more strength than you know.

Its ok to cry and miss him. And then you might get a little angry that you are doing all the work and keeping it all together. This is normal.

Experiences in life make us who we are. We can buckle or do what we need to.

Keep the faith and use this forum for support. We all have acommon bond.

@ihatewisconsin: thank you for your post, it really touched me & I needed to hear all of that tonight. I have unconditional love as well- although my husband's current reason for being in prison had almost everything to do with being completely screwed over by the police & the courts, it also had to do with his prior record & that's where that unconditional love comes into play- I love him through & through despite the mistakes he has made in the past and the stupid one that got us in this place now. I'm sorry to hear that you have had to deal with two different family members going through this, never catching a break. It's bad enough dealing with one being gone, I can't imagine more than that.

I wish I could order those things for him, but unfortunately can only send in money for him to buy them until I receive the catalog. Either way, I am on unpaid maternity leave until the second week of January & don't even know where i am going to find the money to take care of rent & car payments, let alone send him any gifts. It's a really awful feeling, knowing that taking care of him in that way is the one thing I actually could have control over, but once again can not because I can't afford to. I am hoping our families will come together and help as much as possible on all ends, his and mine.

The prison he is at has somewhat similar rules when it comes to books and any items you want to send. Everything is banned, everything is rejected, I gave him a nice bible before court that day & they took that away telling him he could buy one there. Everything they reject is a means of getting money from the inmates it seems.

For now I am just trying to take it day by day. It is really difficult to be a first time mom with a newborn, and as much as our families are supportive they are not around as much as I need. The lonely times are the hardest, like right now. But I was able to talk to him for two 15 min phone calls back to back tonight, and laugh a little bit, those are the things I hold on to that get me through each night and keep me getting myself out of bed each day. Christmas will be difficult, but not as difficult as the months ahead. I look forward to going back to work at least, to provide my life with some structure and distraction.

It's awful that you would have to wait that long to see your fiance. I am very glad my husband & I married each other when we did, knowing there was a chance all of this could come to pass we knew it needed to be done before our actual ceremony next year (whenever he is released). I wish for your sake that everyone had equal rights to seeing their loved one, regardless of what is on paper.

@kategause I will feel much better once that happens. No contact visits where he is, but just seeing his face in front of me would be enough. I finally received the actual visitation form today, so will be sending that in tomorrow & I will just keep crossing my fingers for it to not take too much longer.

@westdenali: Thank you! My husband apologized for having me wait in the car. As much as he didn't want a courtroom to be the last place I saw him, he said that he was the only person in the courts that day & that the judge actually spoke to him for half an hour and seemed to be considering allowing him to stay out. Who knows what went through the man's mind, maybe if I had been there with the baby things would've gone differently but we can't live on what if's & can't change anything now.

I thank God every day that I have my son, as difficult as it is and as frustrated as I have been getting, it is good to be needed & I can't imagine how difficult it would be if I were here by myself completely with no purpose whatsoever. As much as I want to be superwoman and power through all of this, I realize it is okay to cry, okay to walk away into another room when my patience is wearing thin. Sometimes during the difficult nonstop-crying days I just want to run away, and I realize that is ok too. The baby is feeling my sadness & stress & probably somewhere in his subconscious sensing that something is missing. When I do feel that way I feel like a bad mother but I look at him & see so much of my husband, think of the happy times we will have when hes home & I remind myself that my husband would give anything to just be able to hold our baby, even screaming bloody murder :) Remembering that makes me a little stronger.

Dont ever second guess yourself! You are doing what you need to do. And it wont be easy. You are a mother now. You have it in you. Just remember your hormones and the stress of having a baby is normal. That with what you are going through is something i never went through. But as a first time Mom...hello Mom! Ihave faith in you. You will find the strength to get through this. Give yourself credit.

Hey ya welcome to the group iam sorry that you need us but we do get what its like. Congrats on the little one! It 100% ok to feel the way you are and its normal. If you can write to him do so iam sure he will love to hear how you and the little one is going take lots of photos to show him when he comes home.
Come hear as offen as you its a good group hear and they have all helped me for the past 4 years and bit! Dont know what I would do with out them!
Take it a day or minute at a time the start of this is the worst working out the system and visit but once you got it worked out it sort of gets easier there will still be bad days so be warned! But thats part of the ride.
If the Christmas music that the shops pay gets you down take a mp3 player with you then you can listen to your own this is overwhelming but if you take it slow it will be ok.
As otherz have said the system doesn't give a rat's about us or whst we are going though yes first hand experience on that one when I called the prison to find out if the guys phones where working I got laugh at. ....yes I did give them a ear full about that one! So just bd prepared not to take any of there rubbish! I think most of us have storys we could tell you!
I do hope you get to see him soon visits give us all something to look forward to they are kinda like going on a date with your mum watching you all the time! But they are still very special!

Well luckily today a friend of my husband's contacted me & gave me $300 to put into his account so he can get his tv and some food. As much as I need that money for our bills I gladly put it in right away for him and am feeling pretty good today since I know he will be able to eat a little better, keep himself in his cell away from people when he's in a bad mood and have some distraction. On the phone with him last night he was getting aggravated with some guy who kept bothering him and I do worry about him getting in fights and making it so that he won't be home as soon as we're hoping....I hope he can keep his mind right & walk away from bad situations I really don't want to have to do this for the full 2 year sentence!

That's great that you where able to do that I know what you mean by the bills! Tell him its not worth him lossing it at that guy and tell him that when his home that guy will most likely still be doing time so its not worth it. It can be hard to get that into there heads sometimes.
Hang in there you guys are still adjusting to this.