Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
My 19 year old daughter is now in Lowell Correctional Facility. I have been to visit her 3 times. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the fact that I don't think she's ever going to change. She seems to have these delusions that when she gets out she will go move where she wants to, gonna be a "truck driver". etc. She doesn't even have her GED. I sit and encourage her to get an education, and think long and hard where she's gonna live. Right now she says she will move back in with her dad, whom drank, smoked drugs and let her do whatever she wanted since she was 16. (I had too many rules for her to live with me). Her dad has since gotten a DUI, and can't even visit her. But I do, and I still seem to be the one she dislikes. She still has about 4-5 years behind bars. My heart is broken that she still thinks she can do whatever she wants. She seems to be put in solitary at least once every other month. Shes only been behind bars for a year, but I would think she would start changing the way she thinks. Maybe I'm niave. But very frustrated.
She is nineteen. That kind of explains it. They are really only into themselves at that age. I don't think anything you say to her will make it change. What happens in there may do it. It did for my son.
My son was terrible as a teen. He was in the workhouse, and jail a couple times before he got sentenced to four years. He got to hate it there. He hated how stupid the guys acted, he started to realize what he was missing, and what he had put us through. But it took til he was in prison in his late 20's to get it. He had left behind two little girls. He lost a girlfriend, he missed his girls first years of life. His youngest was 8 months when he went in, and four when he got out.
He lost contact completely with his first daughter. Her mom took the opportunity to keep her away from him, and not even let him call her.
The second child, even though her mom chose to not be with him, she still let her talk to him on the phone, she still kept a picture of him on the refrig and showed it to her all the time. He cried many times for what this had done to his life, our life and his girls.
But he now has 3 kids, and one being born March 8th. He has a nice home, nice things, and is a super daddy, to the kids he does have around him, and even his girlfriend's two kids.
I didn't think it was possible when he was younger for him to change. It was all about him then. Nothing I said or did helped. But age, being in prison, and his girls changed him. Feeling the loss of so much got to him. He started not liking how the guys in there acted, the way he had before.
He now is struggling during the winter, but otherwise does pretty good being self employed. He did get his GED.. they made him start taking the classes in prison, and part of his probation was that he had a certain amount of time to finish getting it once out. I took him to the classes, I helped him with some of his homework and studying. He did it.
He is not the kind of person to work a normal job, with a boss and a time clock. So when it is not snowing, he finds many kinds of jobs. He is pretty smart that way. He has a tree trimming service, he does landscape jobs, remodeling, building decks, and fixes cars. And he never went to college, never liked school, and I thought it was hopeless. But he has proved me wrong.
I am telling you his story because my son was kind of like your daughter sounds like she is. I hope this gives you some hope.
Maybe she wasn't put in solitary long enough. Something happened when my son went to prison in the beginning. They thought he was guilty of doing something, so they put him in solitary for 11 days.He had told them it couldn't of been him because at the time, he was in the visiting room with me. They could check the records and the video camera tapes but wouldn't. So 11 days he sat there, thinking, crying, reflecting on how his life got like this.
My fiance is now in prison and was a few other times for DUI's. The last time he was in, he got 139 days in solitary for some stupid little thing. That seemed excessive, and cruel. It was. It was awful. Sometimes he didn't get a shower for a week. He would eat in his room, do everything in there. Every other day he got to call me. But not always.He was out of his room 20 minutes a day, if the guards " remembered" to let him out. He was not young like our kids, but it was very hard on him too. VERY HARD.. he admitted to me he cried a lot, and had so much time to think. Unfortunately when he got out, his alcoholism kicked in from depression and he ended up back in on the probation violation. This time has been worse than any of the other 4 or 5 times he has been in. It has really worn him out, so I am hoping it does change him.
Maybe they have to be put through hell, to want it to never happen again. But you can't let it bring you down all the time either. Right now, she is choosing to be stupid and immature still. It may hit her like a freight train anytime while she is in that this is NOT what she wants her life to be like ever again.
My son made that decision, and he is finally doing great.
And if there is any kind of booze in that house, or the PO would see drinking, or drug use when they go there to check out the house before she is released and allowed to live there, she would not be approved to go live with him.
Sounds like it would be impossible for them to let her live there. All they would have to do is stop in there before she gets out to assess what kind of home environment it would be for her, and they would not allow it. My fiance' s PO already came here 2 months ago to talk to me and see our home, and he is approved. He don 't get out until August. But I am sure if he had stopped in without warning like he did and there was booze sitting around, or I looked drunk or blurry eyed from drugs, never in a million years would he have approved my fiance to live here when released.
Ok, then you said she mentioned she wants to be a truck driver. Fine, let her go on like that.. only you send her information about what it takes to be a truck driver. About the training they have to take, the rules, how to get their CDL, and everything you can find out about it. Whether they hire felons or not, all of the information she needs.
I am not sure it would be good to make her think that you think that the truck driving career is stupid. Just let her know what it would take to be one, and the rules and stipulations to be one.
I don't think in her early twenties, when out, she will really want to do it anyway. There are more truckers that are women now than there used to be. I wish I could do it. They make a ton around here with the frac sand mining businesses flourishing. BUT they put in LONG days, sometimes seven days a week. For months and months. Then they are laid off part of the winter or all of it.
By looking up the information, copying it so she can read it all for herself, she may see it is not for her, or who knows it might be. I don't know if you have to have a GED for that. Just a CDL
I found that the more I poo poo'd what my son wanted, the more he DID want it. So you go at it the other angle. Be encouraging, help her get the information, and if that nineteen year old mind is still thinking like they do.. she will change her mind because she thinks you do want her to do it. Reverse psychology, mom!!! That's what us mom's have to do to get things in their heads that they don't want to hear from us.
Only thing you can do is smile and nod your head when she tells you her plans. Maybe suggest to her that getting her GED may be a good starting point in helping her get to where she wants to go. Remind her that truck driving companies will not hire anyone without a high school diploma or GED.
I totally agree with sending her information about the things she shows interest in instead of telling her its a dumb idea. She will probably change her mind and her plans many times over before she gets out. In there she has nothing but time to think and plan.
In the long run, just let her know that you love her and support whatever choices she makes for herself that will make her self sufficient. Believe me, when she gets out, the world will be knocking her around enough as it is. It will make her feel good that you will not be one of those people.
My son is a lot older than her, and there are times when I still have to nod and smile. Wishing you and your daughter the best.