Iam hear!
Please don't feel like that! The journal are a way for us to post stuff that we don't want on the main board but still want a bit of input from people......i hope that made sense iam kinda tired. :)

I have wondered where everyone is too. Never think of it as eavesdropping. Journals are how we really tell people things about what is going on with us, and a way we reach out for other people's perspectives on our situations.

Sometimes we share good news, which we hope will encourage others, sometimes we vent, which needs discussion sometimes too. That helps us. Other times we are angry at the world, or the justice system, and we want input or justification for our feelings. It's what this is all about. So join in on the discussions with the journals. We value other people on here's opinions and advice. No one but people on here understands the way we all do, going through these types of things.

It's a way to keep in touch with wonderful people on here too.

I'm new but never feel like reading my journal is eavesdropping!
I will mark the entry private if its something I dont want anyone to see.

I think ok journaling as a way to get things off my mind and a way to help us get to know each other and give support to each other especially when we aren't on here at same time.

I usually ramble on till I und up writing a book but I find it therapeutic.

Thanks all!!! Guess I was feeling lonely last night when I wrote that!! But on a good note...I finally got my first letter from my son!!! Yay!! Happy dance!!! :-)

That's super good news! I'm so glad to hear it. I remember my first letter. Happy Day!!

Those letters become a life line. They also tell us things they would sometimes not be comfortable talking in person to us about. Glad he wrote to you. Now remember, some guys are not big into writing. Mine would say I have nothing to write about, I do nothing here. But then he started pouring out letters with ideas he had for when he got out, plans for when he is home and feelings. They get better.

He is still in 'reception' & had not been allowed any contact yet. But said he just got to get paper & envelope few days ago. Said he tried to buy Mothers Day card but was not allowed cuz of being R&C people.
I was just happy, as a Mom, to know he is 'ok'!!!

Thats great that you got the letter :)
My love didn't really write what was going on in there he just wanted to know what was going on out hear he reackons it helped to keep his head on the outside instead of getting bogged down on the crap that goes on in those places.
Sorry he couldn't send you a mums day card but those letters are so good and it will be different when his in prison hate saying that but its the way it goes.

I've been adjusting to having him back with me. He's been here two weeks now. He got a job three days ago, which helps a lot. My feelings are mixed about him now; sometimes I wish he had his own place to go to instead of being here. After almost two years of solitude and independence, it's hard for me to have him here all the time.
I'm not complaining, I'm just sharing. I think it's good for me to tellthe truth about this. In the beginning there was nothing I wouldn't do for him. But after having my heart broken, my life altered to the point of being unrecognizable, going through complete financial ruin, losing my home and car, having to work three jobs AND being alone, I don't feel the same. I want to help him get back on his feet, and I like him, but I'm not feeling in love anymore.
We'll see what happens.
This is still transition time.

Thank you for being open with us. It will help us sort out our own responses, both now and later.

Angela, I don't really have any words of wisdom for you on this. I know when mine came home last time, it was a big adjustment. While I was glad to have him home, I did love him, but there were a lot of resentments and hurt feelings, and still mistrust. I was right to think that way as it turned out. I had fears, and he didn't understand why. Later he proved I was right. I still love him and want him home, but not sure if the same things happen again, I will let him come home again.

He also started saying What happened to you? You are so independent now. Didn't used to be that way. you use to just do things the way I wanted them. Oh he got an answer. I told him, Do you realize what I have been through. I have been here on my own to deal with everything. First I just laid around and cried, then I had to get tough and strong to survive. They just don't get what we go through during their incarceration. How can we feel the same, and be the same? BUT dear friend, it has only been a short time. Let this thing just see where it goes. You may get the feelings back. Don't do anything hasty yet. You did have a lot of love for him. You struggled, you missed him, you loved him. There was something deep there. Now you are dealing with the realities of life. A lot to deal with.

I know we just want NORMAL life. Will there ever be normal life? Would going it alone, letting him live a life separate from you be better? Would you worry about him and miss him after you told him good bye? Those are the things I have asked myself. I had to weigh not being with him forever, with the things he put me through. I know I was miserable without him, so one more time, I am going through this, and taking the chance.

Today he called and was very sick. Talked to him twice. Last time at noon. He was supposed to call before I went to work, and didn't. Usually calls around 7 while I am on break. He didn't. And for sure if he can't get a phone, he will stay up and call me after 10 when I get home. He didn't. Now the phones are off for the night. Last time this kind of thing happened, he was in the hospital with a heart attack. They don't call us to inform us.

So while I know mine has put me through many things, I am worried to death why he hasn't let me know what is happening. He was SO sick. And then I think, if I told him to go away, that we were over, and he took it hard, and wouldn't contact me anymore, how would I get through that? I would always worry about him and I would be worse off.

They have lived such a different life than us while in prison. We have so much to deal with, we resent things they do and say, we resent they are there, but ultimately, I still love him, no matter what.

Don't do anything right now, he has not been home that long. Look back at all your old journals. Remember how you missed him.

I haven't done anything except decide to move forward one day at a time, and to honor my needs instead of putting him first.

That's all you can do. Then just see what happens. He has to realize that you did go through a lot, and you can't be the same. Mine saw that, wasn't sure how to react, then things just started happening with our jobs and other things that led him back, unfortunately. Most people stay out. He don't.

My son is having so much trouble 4 years after getting out. He tries doing it the right way, is broke, so tries to find things to help make him money without dealing drugs again, and things just keep getting worse. He said sometimes he thinks being locked up is easier. Yea for them maybe. Not for us. I gave him the mom speech that things will always be hard at times. You get through one catastrophe, things go ok for awhile then a new catastrophe happens. Months later, you don't even remember what those first ones were. It's called life. They have to learn that. In prison, they do not have any big responsibilities. Sure in some ways they worry about us out here, but they don't think about the fact many of our problems are because they are in prison, or because they aren't here helping us. There will be resentments, and my fiance don't get that. He thinks I should just forgive and forget. Not so easy as again, I have no heat, and can't pay it yet. It is supposed to be Spring, but it is in the 30's lately. Brrr. But I figure out ways to deal with it, as in all the other things. That's what this has taught me. You learned those things too.