Families of Prisoners Support Group
This community is dedicated to families that have been disrupted by prison. Having a loved one incarcerated or having been incarcerated comes with its own unique challenges that require support and understanding. Join the group to find others who know what you're going through, and to seek advice or share your experience.
My son isn't in jail but he was arrested recently because of an underage drinking charge.
I KNOW my husband will end up paying our almost 20 year old son's court fines. His previous offense (last Oct.) was possession of marijuana but he got off through the diversion program. Husband wanted to pay his court fees then because our son didn't have a job. It was a battle but we compromised and we allowed our son to tap into his meager savings account (we still have guardianship over it). This time I don't think he will have enough funds.
Our son is an addict BUT (despite the legal issues) he has been doing much better than he ever has. He comes home at a decent hour, he is much more respectful, and just better all around. Husband is determined to send him away to college. Son is excited about it because I think he found what he really wants to do. I am not so sure about this. My husband is very stubborn and will not allow the courts to send him to jail because of the lack of court fees.
Has anyone else run into this? My husband is harder to deal with than my son
I KNOW my husband will end up paying our almost 20 year old son's court fines. His previous offense (last Oct.) was possession of marijuana but he got off through the diversion program. Husband wanted to pay his court fees then because our son didn't have a job. It was a battle but we compromised and we allowed our son to tap into his meager savings account (we still have guardianship over it). This time I don't think he will have enough funds.
Our son is an addict BUT (despite the legal issues) he has been doing much better than he ever has. He comes home at a decent hour, he is much more respectful, and just better all around. Husband is determined to send him away to college. Son is excited about it because I think he found what he really wants to do. I am not so sure about this. My husband is very stubborn and will not allow the courts to send him to jail because of the lack of court fees.
Has anyone else run into this? My husband is harder to deal with than my son
I'm glad to hear your boy is doing better though :)
I wish my husband had done this with his son from an early age on but he didn't. It's a lesson children have to learn from the very beginning. They must take responsibility for their actions, good and bad. Pay a price for their mistakes as painful as it is for us to watch them go through it.
I don't know your son's age, but if he chooses to break laws, eventually he's going to end up in jail or prison.
Your husband can't keep that from happening, only your son can choose.
Has he been through counseling? Does he hang with the wrong crowd? Does he have a job? Is he paying for some of his basic needs? I realize he's living at home, but does he buy his own personal items, get his own clothes to wear?
My husband's son just did 6 years for armed robbery, stole a car, a gun and went with two friends to Walgreens and robbed them at gunpoint. He also has 5 years of supervised probation and is living at our house. For 5 months now, no job, lazy, same bad attitude (like the world owes him). Hasn't even gotten his GED yet. I don't see major change in him. He's 25 yr old.
Yes, he's my step son, but I care and I came into his life when he was 16, too late, he was already skipping school, telling lies, dealing drugs, turned to the gangster life and by 17 was headed to prison.
I understand how you feel but if your husband chooses to bail him out every time, you can voice your opinion but don't cause strife in your home life. Everyone else is responsible for their own actions, just as you are.
Son doesn't have a job. We've tried to get him to get one ~ but now he will see how not having one can hurt him. In fact - he went job hunting the other day. He just has to learn for himself. What we say sometimes falls on deaf ears. I've also stopped doing his laundry and told him if he wants clean clothes - he needs to do them. I've also stopped buying his favorite foods and insist that he does his share of the household chores.
For awhile there I gave up but grew tired of the elephant in the room. I finally put my foot down firmly and set my boundaries. What a relief. I also revisited working on my husband about the enabling "thing". He was so protective of him and didn't understand the tough love thing. Maybe it was my insecurities but he made me feel like the bad "guy". Things have been improving since I focused on " the courage to change the things I can' in the Serenity Prayer. In fact, last night was an enlightening moment for my husband and I feel so much better. I hope it continues and that he is still supportive.
It comes to a point even my son said, " Mom, I belonged in prison, and if I hadn't went, I would of done worse things, or something bad would of happened to me", he finally got it.
My son was a major drug dealer in the Twin CIties. It took 6 years of them watching him. He was dealing drugs to the Dept of Correction's Commissioner's son even. There was guns, all kinds of scary things involved. His family was in jeopardy too. So it ended up a good thing in alot of ways for him have to go to prison. Either that or life later, or Dead.
Maybe your son needs your husband not to always bail him out of every situation and grow up on his own. Only then can he become a responsible, thriving adult. Daddy needs to stay strong too for all your sakes. Then you can enjoy your son, and your family more. And the fear will be gone.